


Blue Stitches

by pilotjones



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Advanced Cuddling, Alternate Universe - Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Elsewhere AU, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Growing Young Together, Inspired by Gabrielle Zevin's book Elsewhere, Misunderstandings, Slow Burn, overly dramatic and very bad swimming instructor Ben, unrequited love OR IS IT
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-02-28 10:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 50,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13269084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pilotjones/pseuds/pilotjones
Summary: Maybe it was stupid to smile considering the circumstances, but she did."So..how did you die?"She scoffs, because that’s a taboo thing to ask in the Afterlife. She’d made the mistake of learning that on her third day since arriving. Then she shrugs her shoulders like it was no big deal… Some weird form of nonchalance regarding the heavy subject of death. And then she spares him from the truth and lies;“Got hit in the head by a coconut,” she grins. “How about you?





	1. one

 

* * *

 

 

The end didn’t come quickly. Not how it was supposed to, anyway. It dragged on, playing frame by frame. No suffering, no feelings broken, no sound of the world crashing.

 

* * *

 

  

She wakes up to the feeling of floating.

 

Rey Niima wakes up in a strange bed in a strange room with the strange feeling that her sheets are trying to choke her. It is most certainly not _her_ bed; she usually sleeps in her roughly patched hammock, if not then in the back of the laundry room on forgotten laundry. This is not her pillow – she didn’t have a real one like this one - this is not her room, not her clothes. It’s all too soft, too bright and too kind.

 

Rey, who is just Rey, a simple no one with no bed or pillow or light like anything like this is quick to sit up in the bed, frantic and now wide awake. Eyes blink ready to scan the surroundings.

 

She doesn’t get very far though, bumping her head on an unforeseen upper bunk just above. From above, a voice Rey doesn’t recognize cries out in a rusty voice, “Aw,  _hell_!”

 

Carefully peering up to the top bunk, Rey’s eyes land on a boy she had never seen before. He’s sleeping, or at least trying to. The sleeping boy, who is near Rey’s own age, is squeezing his sheets into a tight bear hug, head buried in-between the pillows. She can’t see his face, all clues ending with his dark fuzzy hair, too short to explode into something big.

 

“…s’ too early,” he breathes out, muffled by the fluffy pillow.

 

“Excuse me,” she speaks, her voice coming out hoarse and cracked. “Who are you?”

 

The boy yawns and rubs the sleep out of his eyes before glancing down at her… Rey settles that even though his eyes are red, tired and irritated from the lack of sleep she’d pulled him from his eyes are mainly kind. Nothing hurtful. And while Rey slowly pulls down her defensive thoughts, the boy’s eyes go to the ceiling to the floor to the window and then back to Rey again. A large calloused hand press against his forehead, a headache starting to spread, and he sighs.

 

“I’m Finn.”

 

“Where am I?”

 

“Judging from how I feel sick and how everything outside is blue, I would guess we’re on a boat,” Finn replies before cocooning himself in the bed again. Then, deciding he rather get some sleep than talk to the girl below, he adds one small note. “Please. Don’t wake me again. Five more-” he yawns, “-minutes.”

 

“Sorry,” Rey whispers, slowly pulling away from the bed.

 

There’s a small window, round and barely the size of her head, but at least it was something. And so – with surprisingly numb movements – she makes her way to the wall, hazel eyes narrowing at the blinding view. Sure enough, she sees hundreds of miles of early-morning bright ocean in all directions, blanked by a healthy coating fog. If she squints, she can see the white lines riding the waves, rolling up and down in a slow dance.

 

It was the first time she had ever seen the ocean.

 

It was also the first time she had ever seen something so blue.

 

She drops her stare once her eyes start to water and burn at the bright light, her feet carrying her back to her bed. When she lies down, she cowers away from the light, almost pressing her entire body up against the opposite wall instead. Used to waking up early, Rey knows there is no use of trying to follow Finn’s footsteps and drift back to sleep: she feels remarkably awake.

 

Which is strange, because she also feels – no, she  _knows_  she’s dreaming, for several reasons.

 

 _One_ , there is no earthly way she would be on a boat when she is supposed to be at work. _Two_ , if this is a vacation cruise it couldn’t be real considering Unkar Plutt would never let her go away for more than a day, plus the expenses. She couldn’t afford anything like this. Suppose she could dream about them though. _Three_ , it’s only in dreams that you can see things you shouldn’t see, like the ocean and the ship.

 

Just as Rey reaches reason number  _four_ , she decides to get out of bed. What a waste, she thinks, to spend your dream asleep.

 

There had to be more to this place. What else was on the boat?

 

“Where are you going?” a slightly smoother but still small voice asks, just as her hand grabs onto the doorknob. Frowning, Rey turns around to see Finn, guess she should call him her roommate, peaking up from his pillow; a pained expression forming wrinkles on his forehead.

 

“Exploring.”

 

“… want me do come with you?”

 

It is only in this angle that she gets a clear view of his head. Or rather, the small but deep crimson wound at the base of his skull. Although the wound is less than half inch in diameter, Rey can tell it must have been the result of an extremely serious injury.

 

“Finn!” she gasps. “What h- I hope that doesn’t hurt -- You okay?!”

 

“It did at first, I mean fucking hell, it  _hurt_ , it really did. But not anymore,” Finn tilts his head to the side. “I think it’s getting better actually.”

 

“How did you get that?”

 

He doesn’t answer at first, the room filled with a silence while he falls into deep thought, eyes locked at the floor. Sweaty palms rub against her shorts and Rey suddenly feels nervous about asking. He swings his legs over the edge of the bunk bed, his feet covered in tall striped socks in the colours of baby blue and cloudy white.

 

How come everything around her was blue and white?

 

“Don’t remember how I got it,” Finn eventually answers her question of his wound, rubbing the top of his head as if he could stimulate the memory with his hands. “It might have happened a long time ago, but it kind of feels like yesterday, too, sort of.”

 

Rey sees no point in arguing with the crazy sorts of people she meets in the dream.

 

Crazy people were just yet another sign that this was a dream, by the way.

 

“I don’t remember how I got here,” she mumbles, almost more to herself than to Finn. “But I want to see more of the ship. I’ve never been on one before.”

 

She doesn’t know why she’d just admitted that, but he doesn’t seem to care.

 

Her lips are bitten raw and red from frustration as she watch Finn jump off the bed in one swift motion, one hand still rubbing the sleep away from his eyes as he approach her.

 

“Yeah, why not. I’m up now,” he gives her a soft smile, inviting himself to come along.

 

She stifles a protest, but decides that he might as well come. She didn’t want to get lost.

 

“You think it’s cool that we’re still in our PJ’s?” he asks just before she’s about to open the door.

 

Rey considers this for a moment, staring down at her outfit. The idea of walking outside didn’t feel very weird to her. It felt natural. Then again, she was biased to the clothes, seeing it that they were probably the softest material she had ever worn. She’d happily wear the white tee and shorts all day.

 

She nodded. “I think it will be fine,” she mumbles. “Besides, I reckon it really doesn’t matter when you’re dreaming.” Her hand reaches out to land on the latch.

 

Someone somewhere once had once told Rey that she must _never_ , under _any_ circumstances, open a door in a dream. There had been no real explanation – perhaps the world would start to melt, or it would trigger a nightmare, but since Rey couldn’t remember who the person was or why all doors must remain closed, she decided to ignore the advice.

 

They find themselves in a hallway with hundreds of doors exactly like the one they just closed.

 

Finn looks around. Nervous fingers scratch at the back of his neck. “How do you think we’ll find our way back again?” he asks.

 

“I doubt we’ll have to,” Rey answers. “I reckon I’ll probably wake up before that, don’t you think?”

 

“Well, just in case you don’t, our room number is 2187,” Finn offers, nodding over to the small golden numbers nailed to their door. Unfortunately, Rey doesn’t exactly register the numbers, eyes and concentration clued to somewhere else; a sign at the end of the hallway, big capitol letters reading:

 

 **ATTENTION ALL**  
**PASSENGERS OF THE SS _NILE_!**  
**THE DINING ROOM IS UP THREE**  
FLIGHTS  **ON THE LIDO DECK.**  
THANK YOU!

 

And it’s only at the word _dining_ that Rey can feel how hollow she feels inside.

 

Finn looks to be having a similar reaction.

 

“Hungry?” he asks, brown eyes filled with anticipation.

 

“Starved,” Rey is surprised at her own response. She cannot recall being peckish in a dream before. Dreams were usually her one place where she  _didn’t_  have to worry about that. Dreams were usually an escape from the reality, weren’t they? Then again, maybe her reality was catching up to her. Maybe dreams weren’t enough to escape her hunger anymore.

 

Daydreaming had always been different.

 

She did that a lot when she was working... Always daydreaming and longing for something somewhere else; even when she was supposed to be on high alert while handling a blowtorch or a sharp tool the longing never finished.

 

This, this boat and this ship, wasn’t daydreaming, though.

 

While Finn basically scales the stairs, Rey follows in a sluggish motion, too deep in her own thoughts of listing the three last things she’d eaten. Bread, oatmeal and… what was the last thing? She couldn’t remember.

 

She never gets the chance to figure out the last meal, Finn’s voice soon filtering through her cloudy mind with a smooth “Aww YES!  _Jackpot_!” once they reach the Lido Deck.

 

The most remarkable thing about the ship’s dining room is the people:

 

They are all _old_.

 

A few are Unkar Plutt’s age, but most are even older than him. Grey and white hair or no hair at all, brown spots, and sagging skin. It is by far the largest number of old people Rey has ever seen gathered in one place, even counting her visits to the church or that one time she’d visited at the stamp-museum.

 

Rey leans closer to Finn, lowering her voice as she carefully asks him, “Are we in the wrong place?”

 

Finn only shrugs. “Beats me, but they’re coming this way.”

 

Sure enough, three women are slowly but unquestionably making a beeline for Finn and Rey. They remind Rey of the witches in  _Macbeth_ , a play she had just finished reading the week before. She half expects them to start yelling and hailing Finn and her, promising and foreseeing the next king to the kingdom and the deaths and betrayal of the story, but they don’t. Their eyes are old and wise and this isn't Hamlet.

 

“Hello, darlings,” says a small, almost child-like woman with a heavy American accent. “I’m Satine, and this is Toryn, and this is Nialle.” Standing on her tiptoes, Satine reached up to pat Rey’s head with her wrinkled and tanned hand. “Good Lord, would you look how young she is?”

 

Rey smiles politely, not a big fan of the strangers just yet, taking a step back and preventing any further patting.

 

The one called Nialle clears her throat from a cough before speaking up, “What happened to you two children?” She has the scratchy voice of a lifelong smoker, the dark eyes around her eyes adding to that theory.

 

“What do you mean  _happened_?” Rey demands.

 

“I was shot in the head, ma’am,” Finn volunteers.

 

All three ladies frown, two in an understanding concern, one in confusion.

 

“Speak up,” says a confused Toryn; the lady who has a fuzzy white caterpillar of moustache. “My hearing’s not so good,” she crackles, leaning forward while a shaky hand flies up to cup and create some form of funnel to her ear.

 

“I WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD.”

 

Rey turns to Finn. Hadn’t he just said back at their room how he didn’t remember how he got the hole in your head? Rey’s eyes goes to observe the red mark again, contrasting his otherwise dark skin. The old woman with the gravelly hearing pulls in again.

 

“Shot in the head!” Nialle’s scratchy voice says. “Boy oye boy, that’s rough.”

 

“Aw, it’s nothing special. Happens on a regular basis where I’m from,” Finn shrugs, burying his fists into his pockets, not sure whether it is to hide them, or just to shrink and curl into his body.

 

“Whaaat?” asks the moustache-lady with the deaf ears and the now high-pitched voice. “Say it towards my left ear, that’s the good one..!”

 

“I SAID, _IT’S NOTHING SPECIAL_ ,” Finn yells, his cheeks now blossoming into dark roses. Rey’s pretty sure it’s not from frustration though, but rather by the nerves or embarrassment of the words he had to repeat.

 

“Maybe you should go to the healing centre?” Nialle suggests. “There’s one on the third deck. Or was it forth..? Toryn has already been there once. Or maybe twice, I can’t remember,” she chuckles, but Finn shakes his head in a no, assuring her that his wound was healing just fine on its own.

 

Rey doesn’t understand this conversation at all. Her stomach growls loudly, and she is quick to excuse herself.

 

Satine waves her hand toward the buffet line. “You kids go and get something to eat. Remember, you gotta get here early for the good stuff.”

 

Finn offers his thanks as he grab onto Rey’s hand (annoying) to drag her over to the food, but for the moment Rey doesn't really care because her mouth is watering at the sight. Platters of food. For breakfast, Finn selects pancakes, egg, bacon and toast. Rey has sushi, truffle pasta, macaroons and a green pepper omelette.

 

“What’s with all the weird combos?”

 

“It’s just… I uh… Usually never get half of the things they have on that buffet,” Rey explains. "Just taking the opportunity."

 

“Sounds like a plan. I reckon the best bet is to try it all before we get there.”

 

“Finn,” Rey asks casually. “Where do you think  _there_  is?”

 

Finn thinks about her question for a moment. “Well… We’re on a boat,” Finn says, “…and boats have to be going somewhere.”

 

He doesn’t give her more than that, and the two of them calls dibs on a table near a bay window, slightly way from the other diners. Rey polishes off the pancakes Finn had passed onto her plate in record time. It felt like she hasn’t eaten in weeks.

 

It was an interesting combination, and Rey is pretty sure this is not what they _actually_ taste like in the real world; this is just her dream making it all up. Nevertheless, despite the weird combinations and the odd flavours chosen it doesn’t stop her from shovelling it all down her throat in a rapid motor-like motion.

 

It’s during her second plate that she notices Finn staring.

 

Scraping the bottom of her plate, Rey looks at Finn. “So… I’ve never known anyone who was shot in the head before.”

 

“Can we not talk about this when I’m eating?”

 

“Sorry,” she hangs her head slightly. “Just making conversation.”

 

Rey stares out the window.

 

The fog has lifted, and the water is clearer than any water she has ever seen. It’s even bluer than earlier, if that’s even possible, and everything looks so _big_. It is strange, Rey thinks, how much the sky looks like the sea. A sea is rather like a soggy sky and the sky rather like a wrung-out sea. Thoughts wander, wondering where the ship is going and if she will wake up before it arrives and what all of this could mean. But before she could get anywhere, Rey’s reverie is interrupted by a new voice.

 

“You mind?” a man’s voice asks with a strong American accent. “You two seem to be the only people here who isn’t deaf or half-blind or asking about grandchildren.”

 

“Of course not. We’re all done here any…”

 

Rey’s voice trails off as she sees the man for the first time. He is old, but not as old as the others. The eyes are painted in a mix of brown and green that match his scruffy hair, grey spots every here and there.

 

“You’re Han Solo, aren’t you?”

 

The man smiles. “Used to be, I suppose.” He holds out his hand. “And who might you be?”

 

“Rey.”

 

“Rey..?” he says slowly, waiting for more, but nothing comes.

 

She keeps the handshake firm and steady. “Just Rey,” she repeats before dropping the tight grip. “And this is my roommate, Finn…”

 

Finn smiles awkwardly. “I’ve never met a war hero before.”

 

To his surprise, both Rey and Han start to shake their heads at his choice of words. Han mutters out something how it was a huge exaggeration, a modest shadow over his features. It was different for Rey. It wasn’t the fact that the man before her had been sent to travel the world and meet horrible obstacles that didn’t have close to any good odds of being successful that qualified him to the legend he in her eyes. (Turns out Han Solo had the odds in his favour. He survived through  _everything_.) No, it wasn’t for his war heroics that sparked the excitement in Rey’s eyes. It was his criminal history.

 

“I can’t believe I am meeting _the_ Han Solo, the guy who brought down the entire Hutt Mob! I didn’t think you were real at first. You smuggled  _hundreds_  of shipments away from their base. You're basically Robin Hood!”

 

"Han Solo sounds cooler than Robin Hood, though," Finn chips in, and Rey nods her head.

 

Barely any of the stories she’d heard seemed realistic. The Hutt Mobster family had been so powerful it had worked above the law, and yet somehow, through hijacking the transports, Han Solo had ruined the machine. It was like something pulled from a comic book; exploiting systems, fighting crime with crime. The most epic story she’d ever heard was when Han Solo had snuck aboard a ship in the middle of the pacific packed with all different forms of deadly weapons. Originally he’d only planned to sink it, but something onboard had triggered a chain explosion and the whole ship had obliterated. Han Solo had made it back to civilisation by hitching a ride with a Greenpeace boat.

 

“I mean it’s  _unreal_ ,” she continues, and halfway through she falls into a full gush of admiration. “And they could never trace it back to you!”

 

Han Solo sprinkles salt on his chips and smiles tiredly. “Thanks,” he says, “Can’t confirm anything though. Besides, I think there are better stories out there though, don’t you think?”

 

“This is the coolest dream ever,” Rey says, feeling very pleased that her subconscious has introduced Han Solo to the dream.

 

 _The_  Han Solo, mind you.

 

The legend crocks his head. “Dream, kid?”

 

Finn leans in to whisper something. “She doesn’t know yet. I just figured it out myself.”

 

“Interesting,” Han mumbles. He then turns back to Rey. “Where do you think you are, Rey?” As the question lands, both men watch as the girls face twist into something hurt and confused. A thought sprung to life that she hadn’t been expecting.

 

To Rey’s own surprise, she was feeling homesick.

 

Why?

 

She _never_ felt homesick for Jakku. Never.

 

Han looks at the girl with concern. “Are you alright, kid?”

 

“No, I…” Rey returns the conversation to solid ground. “Is it true that you’re going to make a full loop around the world non-stop? Sounds amazing. When are you going?”

 

Han eats another french fry. Then another. Then he says, “Never.”

 

Rey has always read rumours of the turbulence in Han Solo’s life, but they had never come to pass.

 

“You retired?”

 

He sounds tired when he replies. “That’s one way of saying it.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“It ended. I quit.”

 

“But why? You were so great. A real hero.” Last year, Rey had saved up for a computer, just so that she could follow the livestream of one of Han Solo’s great adventures. The man was truly amazing. She couldn’t see any logic in quitting. “I don’t understand.”

 

Rey gulps as Han slowly yanks his identical white tee up, showing a crusty wound on his torso. There’s a quarter-inch hole near the boarded of ribs. The hole is completely black; as if something had  _burnt_  it’s way through. That wasn’t possible though. What could’ve done that to him?

 

“Because I was a fool, kid.”

 

“Rey?” Finn says.

 

She just stares numbly at the mark on her hero’s torso.

 

“I’m…” she begins. She hates looking at the rotten, burnt injury, but she can't stop looking at it either. That is until Finn finally release her from her trance, frustrated words telling Han to cover it up again.

 

“You’re making her sick. Honestly, Rey, it isn’t any worse than---”

 

“Excuse me,” Rey says, and before they can stop her, she runs.

 

She runs outside onto the main deck of the ship. All around her, older people in various styles of white pyjamas are playing shuffleboard. She leans over the ships railing and stares at the water. It’s too far away for her to see her reflection in it, and besides, the ocean is too chaotic to offer a clear mirror. But maybe, if she leans far enough over, she can sort of see her shadow – an indistinct, small darkness in the middle of the royal blue.

_I am dreaming,_  she thinks, _any moment, my alarm clock will sound, and I will wake up._

 

Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. Wake. Up, she wills herself. Trembling fingers punches herself on the arm as hard she can, almost drawing bruises. It hurts, but it’s not enough. She slaps herself across the face. Nothing. She tries it again. Still nothing. She closes her eyes as tightly as she can and then snaps them open again, hoping to find herself back in her own bed at N. Outpost in Jakku.

 

It’s in about the same time tears start rolling that Rey starts to panic. She brushes them away with her hand.

 

_I am too old to be having nightmares._

 

She screws her eyes shut again and this time she scream, hoping that someone in the real world would hear her. Would come and shake her awake. She just wanted to wake up. God she wanted to wake up. She didn’t want to be on this stupid bright ship anymore.

 

Any moment.

 

Any moment now. Someone would come and wake her up.

 

Rey opens one eye. She is still on the ship’s main deck, and to her horror, people have begun to stare.

 

“Young lady,  _please_ ,” says an old man with horn-rimmed glasses. “You are being disruptive,” he complains, and Rey sniffles under his stare.

 

Collapsing down by the railing she settles on burying her head in her hands. She takes a deep breath and tells herself to calm down. She was a survivor; she would get through this. She decides that the best strategy will be to try to remember as many details of the dream as possible so that she can tell people about it in the morning.

 

But how had the dream started? She racked her brain, but found nothing.

 

And then a switch was flicked, and she remembers pain. She remembers how time had stopped and how she had been above gravity.

 

Tired and exhausted from crying, Rey eventually scrambles up from her small camp, eyes rubbing away any traces of tears, scratching her red nose as she kept her head low. She starts to move, re-tracing her steps back to the cabin she'd woken up in. If anything, it felt closer to home. As brisk steps push her across the deck, she notices an SS  _Nile_  life preserver, and she smiles at the name. She had studied ancient Egypt at the library, and while researching the land of pyramids, the sphinx, pharaohs and hieroglyphics, she had stumbled upon a poem, which began ‘I met a traveller from an antique land,’ and for some reason, the line gave Rey chills, the pleasurable kind, and she kept repeating it to herself all day.  _I met a traveller from an antique land. I met a traveller from an antique land._

 

Hopefully she would wake up soon.

 


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's funeral sucks, the SS _Nile_ reach it's final destination and Mr. Kenobi makes an appearance.

 

 

Rey doesn’t wake up in her hammock. It’s the same strange bed again.

 

She’s pulled herself into something small; knees tucked up to her chest as the soft fabric around her surrounds her with warmth. It’s probably supposed to be comforting, but she’s not used to it and it only makes her doubt everything again. Was she ever going to get back home again?

 

Squeezing her eyes shut harder than necessary, she tries to force herself to think of a plan. Usually it was easy for her to retrace her steps. She was good at counting days, and she was good at keeping track of her regular routine while working on the scrapyard and scavenging new parts and tools for Unkar Plutt. This boat, however, was never supposed to be in the picture. The change of scenery is making it difficult for her to find the right perspective, all narratives and paths pulled apart from her home base in Jakku. She can’t seem to navigate through her own memories and thoughts anymore, and it drains her from even trying.

 

No matter how exhausted she felt, Rey doesn’t let it take her.

 

Rey is a light sleeper - always had been – and it’s the smallest of sounds the ship has to offer that eventually manages to pull her away from her spinning thoughts. In this particular case it’s the sound of something getting slid under the cabin door. Welcoming any distraction from thinking too much of her homesickness and confusion, Rey bolts up from her bed. She nearly topples over as she reaches for the envelope now resting by the door. It’s addressed in deep blue ink:

 

Passenger Rey D. Niima  
Formerly of N. Outpost, Jakku  
Currently of the SS  _Nile_ , Cabin 2187  
Bottom Bunk

 

Rey opens the door, hoping she’d might be able to catch the delivery and ask what the hell was going on, but she finds the hallway completely empty.

 

Returning to the bottom bunk, Rey carefully opens her letter, focused on not tearing her small treasure apart. She’d want to save it. She had never actually gotten a letter before. She’d seen her fair of the stale and factory printed envelops of bills and letters of warning stacking up in Unkar Plutt’s office, but there had never been anything handwritten.

 

Her heart is hammering in her chest, nerves and memories of home scratching against her neck thinking, _what if this is a warning, what if something’s bad has happened?_

But there’s no red print in capital letters reminding her of an end-date or a sum of money to pay. Instead she finds a plain card with a vellum overlay and an odd hexagonal coin with a round hole in the centre. The coin reminds Rey of the subway tokens back home. This one, however, is embossed with the words ONE ETERNIM on the front and OFFICIAL CURRENCY OF ELSEWHERE on the back. The small card that had come with the coin appears to be an invitation of some sort, but the occasion isn’t specified.

 

Dear Passager  ** _Niima_** ,  
Your presence is required:  
Observation Deck  
Binoculars #992  
Today - NOW!

 

Rey reads the note two times. Still confused, she debates whether she’s confused enough to wake up Finn. As it turns out; yes.

 

“Who ever heard of sending an invitation to something that is happening  _now_? You can’t help but be late,” Rey says as she shows Finn the invitation, who just barely gives it a glance before sinking into his bed again.

 

“Technically you’ll always be on time.  _Now_  is a relative term after all,” he offers.

 

Rey bites her lip. “Do you want to come?”

 

“It’s probably best you go alone.”

 

“Suit yourself.” 

 

“Besides, I’ve already been there,” Finn admits while Rey pulls socks over her small feet, not even bothering to check if they’re hers or Finn’s. It’s hard to keep them all apart considering they got matching sets of the pyjamas and socks. Everything – _everything_ – white and blue. (Turns out the socks were Finn’s, judging from how her feet now looked like clown feet, something awfully similar to Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons.) It wasn’t the ideal wear for running, but she doubted she would have to run anytime soon.

 

“When?” Rey frowns.

 

Finn had now disappeared under a tent made entirely out of pillows and sheets, voice muffled again. “Doesn’t matter,” he answers under the mountain of white. “I’ll come find you once you’re done though… We can talk,” Finn adds, and once again Rey is hinted at the idea of leaving.

 

The Observation Deck is on the top floor of the ship. Although Rey and Finn have explored the  _Nile_  extensively, they have never gone all the way to the top. (At least not together, Rey thinks.) She races up the many flights of stairs that dispersed her cabin from the deck, careful not to slip on her gigantic socks while doing so, sliding around like a ice-skater on the newly polished floor every now and then.

_I met a traveller from an antique land,_  she finds herself chanting as she climbs.

 

When she finally reaches the top, she is covered in sweat and out of breath, gasping for big gulps of air as her whole body heaves up and down.

 

The observation deck consists of a long row of binoculars, the kind that resemble stick-figure men without arms, or parking meters. Each pair of binoculars is coupled with an uncomfortable-looking metal stool. The people using the binoculars are consistently rapt, although their individual reactions differ wildly. Some laugh; some cry; some laugh and cry at the same time; some simply stare straight ahead, blank expressions on their faces.

 

The binoculars are labelled sequentially. Filled with equal parts fear and curiosity, Rey locates Binoculars #992 and sits on the metal stool. She removes the strange coin up to the binoculars just as the lenses click open. What can almost be described as a 3D movie is playing.

 

It doesn’t take long for Rey to start crying.

 

Unlike everyone else, though, she is crying tears of anger.

 

It takes her a moment to realize what is going on; but after identifying the thing wrapped up in a blanket, she breaks down. The blanket is old and battered; much like her hammock, and it’s when she catches a glimpse through one of the holes in the blanket that she recognizes herself.

 

It’s absolutely terrifying identifying her own limbs and curves hidden in the small fabric and she tells herself she’s not going to watch; she doesn’t want to know how or what or when or where. And yet, she just sits there by the binoculars, pressing so close that the metal press into her face. Still… completely transfixed she watches a dark scene all to familiar to home play out; how people she had never considered family – the majority of them enemies and threats, carry her just like another broken part scavenged from the dump.

 

She’s lying limp in the arms of Roodown as he walks her down a familiar dirt road down towards the cliffs. At first she figures he’s alone considering most residents of Jakku avoided being around the tall crusher of a man; but once Roodown reaches the edging shadows of the cliffs the familiar face of Teedo appears. He’s all covered in sand and dirt. He’s carrying a shovel. Neither of the men say anything as Teedo leads Roodown down one of the zigzagging paths they all know by heart and Rey gasps as she realizes where they’re heading.

 

Roodown almost trips over a small change of terrain below his feet and he nearly drops the wrapped blanket he’s carrying and for the first time one of them speaks. It’s Teedo, cursing at the tall man not to fuck this up, rasping out that they needed to hurry up or they would be dead by the morning. Unkar Plutt’s orders.

 

She lets out a sob at the horrifying image of the gaping hole Roodown and Teedo had just arrived to. She couldn’t watch anymore. She didn’t want to.

 

 _Enough_ , she thinks, violently pushing the binoculars away.

 

A lady next to her notices her movement, pausing from her own binoculars #993.

 

“Bad funeral, hun? Mine’s pretty bad too. My sister is trying to sing, even though I always told her she sounds like a crow.”

_I am dead_ , Rey thinks. And then she says it aloud to hear how it sounds.

 

“I am dead.  _Dead_.”

 

It’s a strange thing being dead, because her body doesn’t feel dead at all. Her body feels the same as it always has.

 

As Rey flees down the low row of binoculars, she spots Han Solo. Using only one eye, he is looking in his binoculars with decidedly tepid interest. His other eye spots Rey immediately.

 

She stumbles her way towards him, aggressively pushing the angry tears away from her cheeks, sniffling as she clears her throat. She stops short in front of him, eyes wide.

 

“Hello, Rey,” he says. “How’s the afterlife treating you?”

 

Rey tries to shrug nonchalantly. Although she doesn’t exactly know what ‘the afterlife’ entails she is fairly certain of one thing; she is never going back again. She is never going back to carving lines into a wall, counting days, smudging oil and dirt on her fingers and arms – she’s never seeing Unkar Plutt again. She knows this because she's just watched her own burial.

 

“I don't know,” she answers, although the answer doesn’t come anywhere close to what she is feeling.

 

“How was the funeral?”

 

Rey clenches her jaw. “There wasn’t one.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

“We’re dead, you know? We’re all dead. And we’re never going back,” she says, and although it’s a sad and very lonely thought, it comes out angry.

 

“Who knows, Rey?” Han Solo shifts in his seat, wrinkles forming on his nose as something cracks at the back of his neck from sitting still for too long. “Who knows what this Elsewhere place will be like?” And then he offers her a small but tired smile, and although he doesn’t say it, Rey feels like he has just invited her on one of his adventures.

 

One of those adventures she had only thought were legends and myths, until now.

  

 

* * *

 

   

“We’re here, Rey!”

 

Finn is looking out the upper porthole when Rey enters the cabin. Finn is jumping up and down before he throw his solid arms around Rey, lifting her up in the air as he spins her around the cabin until the two of them are out of breath. She doesn’t like to admit it, but Finn’s hug is comforting, and at the same time, it isn’t.

 

Sniffling again, Rey’s breath quivers. “How can you be so happy when we’re…?” her voice trails off.

 

“Dead?” Finn fills in. “You figured it out, then. Finally.”

 

“I think I knew before, but it didn’t.. stick.”

 

Finn nods solemnly. “Reasonable reaction,” he says. “My funeral was awful, thanks for asking. It was like a factory-made one. Captain Phasma couldn’t wait to get it over with. It was quick.” A hand goes up to the hole in his head, that’s not really a hole anymore, but something barely visible. “It’s definitely getting smaller,” he decides.

 

“You’re not sad you’re dead?”

 

He shrugs.

 

“No point in being sad. There’s nothing to change. And, no offense, but I’m sick of this room.”

 

Both of them blush, and Rey press her lips into a tight line. Maybe she hadn’t been the best roommate, but neither had Finn, snoring and humming in his sleep. But she’d like to think they had had a pretty good time too, both of them spending every morning testing out new stuff from the buffet, Finn every now and then sneaking a pack of sweets down to share at their cabin.

 

Then, before either of them can add to the conversation, a loud announcement comes over the PA system.

 

“ _This is your captain speaking. I hope you’ve enjoyed your passage. On the behalf if the SS Nile crew, welcome to Elsewhere. The local temperature is 70 degrees with partly cloudy skies and a westerly breeze. The local time is 3:34 PM. All passengers must now embark. This is the last and only stop. Thank you_.”

 

Finn holds out a hand to Rey, eyes eager but nervous, like he  _needed_  to hold her hand.

 

“You coming?”

 

It was tempting, but Rey shakes her head. “I’ll think I’ll wait until people have cleared out,” she says quietly, and she has to remind herself to breathe as Finn takes a seat next to her. “You can go.”

 

“There’s no rush,” he says. “Besides, I don’t have anyone waiting out there for me. Stuck with you, or well, the other way around, I guess…” he fumbles on his words. “You won’t get rid of me that easily.”

 

“Thanks,” she smiles, leaning into his big frame as she sighs.

 

All around them, Finn and Rey can hear the sounds of people leaving their cabins and walking through the ship’s halls. Every now and then, small snippets of conversation slips through the small cracks of the door.

 

A man says, “I want a proper suit the moment we get out of here.”

 

And a woman, “I hope there’s a decent hotel..”

 

And another woman, “Do you think I’ll see Jinn there? Or maybe Windu will be there? Oh, how I’ve missed them!”

 

Rey wonders who Jinn and Windu is. She guesses they are probably dead like all the people on the  _Nile_ , dead like she is.

 

An hour passes. And then another.

 

The halls grow quiet and then silent. Rey begins to hatch a plan. Maybe she could just be a stowaway? Eventually the boat would have to make a return trip, right? And if she just stays on it, maybe she could simply return to her old life. Maybe that’s what people did, those who’re said come back from the dead.

 

But then she feels the weight of Finn’s hand around hers, and she tells herself she can’t just leave him here.

 

Then again, if they both went back, they would probably become very famous. It wasn’t hard to imagine her and Finn in fancy clothing, writing books about the cruise and then starring on Oprah and then getting movies made and---

 

Rey sees the doorknob move, and then the door to the cabin begins to open. Without really think about it, Rey hides into Finn’s side, while Finn straightens his posture, his arm wrapping around her shoulder, not in a protective gesture, but a comforting way. Like he was telling her everything was going to be okay.

 

It wasn’t though. It surely didn’t felt like it.

 

The person walking in is a boy. A child. A god damn  _child_.

 

He’s not dressed like any other child though; his outfit pressed and proper, ornamented with gold epaulets and a matching captain’s hat. It’s too big for his head, but either way it suits him. He can’t be more than 9 years old.

 

After taking a seat, he starts swinging his legs, and Rey notices that his feet barely reach the floor. She has a perfect view of his shoes. Someone has written  _L_  on the left one and  _R_  on the right one in a black marker.

 

“No introductions?” the boy finally speaks after a moment of silence. “Fine, I’ll go first. I’m the Captain, and you are not supposed to be in here.”

 

“The Captain of what?” Rey whispers.

 

“Of the SS  _Nile_  of course,” he responds, like it’s obvious, and Rey turns to Finn. She knows he’s been in the military, in some shape or form – and surely he would see something wrong in this little boy steering a ship this size (or any size, for that matter.) But Finn’s face remains blank.

 

Turning back to the boy, Rey comes out of hiding. “How old are you?”

 

“I’m seven.”

 

“Isn’t that a bit young to be captain?”

 

The boy nods his head. “Yes,” he concedes. “I need more naps now, especially in the afternoon. I will probably retire next year.” His eyes seem to sparkle with something, an eagerness only children have. He then goes back into a solemn expression. “Why haven’t you two left yet?”

 

“Neither of us have anyone out there, sir,” Finn speaks.

 

“I want to make the return trip,” Rey pipes in.

 

The boy sighs. “These boats only go one way."

 

"But.."

 

"I don’t make the rules.”

 

To mention rules in a scenario like this, where she was dead, made Rey frown. There wasn’t supposed to be any rules now. Nothing after life mattered, there wasn’t anything to do. All was lost. There was no use.

 

“Elsewhere is not that bad,” the Captain smiles softly. “And if you don’t have a family member waiting for you, you’ll have each other. It happens every once a while, when family members have grown too small to take care of newcomers, but you’ll be taken care of.”

 

This time it’s Finn who asks the question. “What do you mean, everyone grows smaller? We  _shrink_?”

 

“Ha! That’s a new one,” the boy giggles. “Here, in Elsewhere, no one gets older, everyone gets younger. But don’t worry, they’ll explain all of that at your acclimatization appointment. It all works out in the end.”

 

Understandably, Rey wasn’t so sure.

 

“Basically, everyone here ages backward from the day they die. For older people, 80 plus, it’s a good thing. Though people your age do see some problem in it.”

 

Rey takes a moment to absorb the words. _She would never turn 26_. And if this system worked, nothing would count. Nothing she’d done, learnt… nothing would matter. Everything would just be erased.

 

“What will happen when I get to zero?” she asks, her heart starting to beat against her chest, her forehead starting to build up in a burning ache.

 

“Well, you’ll become a baby again. And when you’re seven days old, you and all the other babies are sent down the River, back to Earth to become born anew. It’s called the Release,” the Captain explains, and although he surely must’ve had this conversation a billion times, he is still patient and calm. Too calm for a normal seven year old. “That’s it. That’s all I can offer you for now. You have to leave now.”

 

No words are spoken as they leave, only small squeezes offered to a sweaty hand and a soft smile telling her everything was going to be okay.

 

It wasn’t.

 

 

* * *

 

  

She wakes up in a hospital room, her vision bleary, her head wrapped in bandages. A father and a mother, figures she’d given up on long ago, stand at her bedside, dark circles under their eyes. They had come back for her. After all these years, they were back. Only…

 

“Oh,  _Rey_ ,” the woman who was supposed to be her mother cried, “we thought we’d lost you.”

 

Rey often dreamt about her parents, but this time it feels so much closer.

 

Two weeks later, the doctor tells her she’s stabilized and that although the wounds and cracked ribs are fine, she would have to go easy on the food offered. A starved stomach needed time to adjust and adapt to a new way of living. Aside from that, she is all good as new. The doctor calls it the most remarkable recover he has ever seen.

 

Rey returns back to N. Outpost, but she doesn’t stay there for very long.

 

In some miracle, Finn shows up and takes her hand and they run away from Unkar Plutt, stealing an old rusty van Rey was sure was going to break down and turn into dust any second, but somehow they had managed to escape. Somehow they had found each other. Once they’re free they explore the world together and they find a new home and Rey graduates with a degree in engineering. She moves into a big house, she adopts a dog, she falls in love with someone working at the big station filled with space rockets and jets whom she can’t imagine spending her life without and maybe –

 

“Rise and shine, sunshine!”

 

It’s 7AM and the bright picture of future and the house and the dog is cut off, Finn’s voice interrupting Rey’s dream as he shakes her awake. Their roles had somehow shifted, and now it was Rey burying her head under the blankets, not Finn. She grumbles out a small “ _Go away_ ,” and _“Five more minutes,”_ but he doesn’t listen. Instead he opens the curtains and a pool of lights floods into the room.

 

“It’s going to be a good day today, I can feel it, Rey.”

 

Yesterday had been horrible. Arriving at Elsewhere had been _horrible_.

 

There had been a woman in her thirties waiting for them once they left the ship, last two passengers to disembark onto the docks. She checked their names off the clipboard in her hand, then two key cards, two folded maps and two envelopes had gotten pressed to their chests in a rather forceful push (the lady clearly annoyed for having to wait for so long.) She’d then given them instructions to go the hotel, struggling to unwind her fist to point them in the right direction.

 

“We have our acclimatization appointments today, remember?”

 

Finn is waving the envelopes in front of Rey, the text welcoming them to an orientation for the newly dead. Rey is too tired to argue with Finn over his choice of attitude for the day; still not accepting the whole dead status just as happily yet.

 

“Go without me.”

 

“I’m not leaving you behind, Rey.”

 

It takes all strength she had to battle Finn’s tight grip for the blanket (a fight Finn eventually wins) and all willpower to get herself out of the bed.

 

Soon enough they’re walking side by side towards the building the invitations redirected to. Finn’s nose is buried deep into the map while Rey kept scanning the surroundings; the buildings and the trees all very new to her. The streets, the people, the flowers, the grass, the sky, the clouds.

 

“The building… it’s called the Registry, I think?” Finn mumbles as he comes to a halt, eyes flashing up and down from map, to building, to address sign, to building, to map again. “This is it.”

 

It was the tallest building Rey had ever seen. It seemed to stretch to infinity. Despite its size, the Registry looked as if a child had built it: walls, stairways, and other additions jut out at improbably angles. The construction was clearly improvised, almost like the makeshift forts Rey used to build when she was little.

 

“It’s ugly,” Rey admits after a while.

 

“I would guess it’s always in need of expanding. More people, more dead people. Makes sense.”

 

Even though Finn and Rey arrived to the Registry 15 minutes early, it takes them nearly 25 minutes to find the Office of Acclimation. The maps posted over by the lifts are out-dated, and no one who works at the building seems capable to give proper directions. When Rey attempts to retrace her steps, she keeps finding new doorways that she could swear wasn’t there five minutes earlier.

 

It’s only when they split up that Rey starts to get a grip of the layout.

 

At random, Rey decides to give one of the doorways a try. She finds a hallway and, at the end of the hallway, another door. An unofficial-looking cardboard sign indicates that behind this door lies the temporary home of the Office of Acclimation.

 

Inside, she finds a busy and perfectly ordinary looking reception area. If not for a faded, rather macabre poster hanging on the wall, Rey might have thought she was at a doctor’s office. The poster depicts a smiling grey-haired woman sitting up in a mahogany coffin. Printed on the poster are the following words:

 

SO YOU’RE DEAD, NOW WHAT?  
The Office of Acclimation is here to help :)

 

When Rey tells the receptionist she has a booked appointment, Rey doesn’t get a chance to blink before she is shoved into a room, a very stressed voice telling her that she had to watch the intro-movie before seeing her mentor.

 

The video greets Rey before going into explaining things the Captain from the SS  _Nile_  had already told her; that on Earth man ages form the time he is born to an indeterminate point in the future, where he will die. On Elsewhere, a life is more finite: man dies, and ages backward until he is a baby. He is then sent back to Earth again, and the process begins again.

 

Rey learns the correct way to state her age: your current age followed by the number of years you have been in Elsewhere. Rey’s current age is 25-0. She also learns that her new ‘birthday’ is 10th of April – based on an algorithm Rey didn’t have too much problem understanding.

 

Contact with people on Earth is forbidden, though watching Earth through binoculars similar to the ones on the Observation Deck are happily welcomed. The video doesn’t specify how you could possibly take contact with the land of the living, but that wouldn’t make very much sense.

 

When the movie starts discussing death, infinity, the human existence, Rey allows herself to drift into sleep. She wakes up several minutes later by the sound of the secretary admonishing her. “I hope for your own sake you didn’t sleep through the whole thing! Get up! You’re already late.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“You have your meeting with you acclimation counsellor, Obi-Wan Kenobi now.” 

 

Rey keeps apologizing until they finally reach the office. The secretary knocks two times, not waiting for a response before opening the door.

 

“This is Rey Niima, Mr Kenobi,” the secretary pronounces Rey’s name as if it were a particularly unpleasant word like  _gingivitis_. Obi-Wan Kenobi looks up as the two of them enter the office.

 

“Thank you, Ms. Bailey,” Kenobi calls as the woman basically slams the door in his face. “Ah well, perhaps she didn’t hear me. She seems to have peculiarly bad hearing, that one. She’s always interrupting me.”

 

Rey laughs.

 

“Hello, Rey. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, your counsellor. Please have a seat.” He indicates that she should sit in the chair in front of his desk. However, that chair is entirely covered in paperwork. Indeed, all of his windowless office is shrouded in paperwork, every here and there forgotten coffee mugs spread out, along with a few books.

 

“Can I move these?” Rey gestures to the files.

 

“Please do,” Kenobi nodded before looking around his cluttered office, his happy nods turning into a disappointed shake. “I have so much paperwork. I’m afraid my paperwork has paperwork.”

 

“Maybe you need a bigger office?” Rey suggests.

 

“They keep promising me one. It’s the thing I’m most looking forward to. Except for my hair growing back,” he adds with a smirk. “It was majestic, let me tell you.” He pats his white and short hair affectionately. “Last year I got a tooth back. That was murder! I kept my neighbours up all night with my blubbering and ballyhoo.”

 

Kenobi removes a file from the bottom of an enormous pile of paperwork in the centre of his desk. He opens a file and reads aloud, “You’re from Australia where you died in a boating accident?”

 

“Um, sorry, no, that's not me.”

 

“Sorry.” Kenobi selects another file, “You’re from Manhattan, and had, uh, breast cancer, is it?” When he watch Rey shake her head, the man dives into the stacks of papers again, digging out a third file. “Jakku? N. Outpost, Nevada, correct?”

 

“Yup, that’s me.”

 

The man grins, proud and filled with relief for finding the right file.

 

“So, Rey… do you have any initial thoughts about an avocation?” She shakes her had no, but he doesn’t give up. “Anything you like doing? Anything, anything at all?”

 

“I.. I don't know.”

 

No one had really asked her what she wanted to do. She had never actually had the option to choose.

 

“Oh. Well, I'm sure there's something. Maybe helping people could be something?”

 

Rey shifts in her seat. “I’ve always been on my own.. I’m not that good with people,” she mumbles. Then again, with no family or friends in the cruel world town of Jakku, she hadn’t really had any responsibility for anyone else but herself. She hadn’t had anyone, just herself. “I don’t know… I don't know anything but...” She didn't know anything but surviving and making it to the end of the day had been the only thing she was good at, and now she'd failed on that very one thing. There was nothing left of her. She didn't have any unrelated talents, no hobbies or passions. It was all just surviving, picking parts, cleaning parts, fixing parts.

 

Sensing her breakdown, Kenobi reached over to grab her hand. "I know it's hard. I heard you thought it was all a dream, but this is only the beginning." Her hazel eyes grew distant, and Kenobi had to lean forward and squeezed her fingers to catch her attention again. "Rey. These are your first steps."

 

"But I'm no one."

 

“Everyone has a path, Rey. We’ll figure it out, don’t worry.” He sounds so certain, for a moment Rey lets herself trust him. Maybe he was right.

 

"So what happens now?"

 

“I didn’t have any luck with finding any relatives of yours. At least no one who's... Why I am bringing all of this up is because usually that’s who we have you go live with. Your first month in Elsewhere that is - but seeing it that you’re alone, we’ll have to get you an apartment right away… unless you know someone else dead who's not in my registry?”

 

Rey thought about it. She knew names of dead people. Death was common in a place like Jakku, but they didn't mean anything to her. Strangers. Warning signs of what not to do. 

 

“No, I’m alone,” she sighs.

 

"That won't do. Elsewhere doesn't work like that."

  

She don’t know what makes her say it, perhaps it was hoping Finn could somehow still be her roommate, or maybe she just didn’t want to be alone in a time like this, either way, she starts rambling. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind company. I mean… if there’s anyone in the same boat or whatever. To share the flat with, I mean.”

 

A warm and soft smile pull on the old man’s lips. “Of course,” he mumbles. “I’m glad to hear that. Sadly you’re not the only one we couldn’t find any relatives to…” Hands starts to dig around the papers again, until finally. “Actually, we do have one of the younger… I uh.. let’s see...”

 

Rey frowns. Younger? Finn wasn’t younger than her.

 

“Usually us councillors take them in. It happens so rarely, anyway. Normally grandparents are there to help, but every now and then kids are sent to Elsewhere with no one to pick them up…”

 

Rey froze in her seat. Finn wasn’t a kid. He was her age. This was going the opposite direction she had been hoping for.

 

“Um, actually I-”

 

“His name is BB. Or at least that’s what he told us he likes to be called. Tiny little thing,” Kenobi chuckles, ignoring Rey’s small attempt to stop this from happening. “The boy is smart – very witty too. Arrived with the same boat as you. He misses his older brother, but he’s a tough kid. You’ll get along well… Yes, I think it will be a great match. I’ll get you two an apartment. We’ll have to go back to finding you two avocations during our next session, but it will work out fi--”

 

Everything that so far had been going too fast suddenly came to a halt. Rey sat frozen in her seat, hazel eyes wide open and mouth agape as Kenobi’s eyes suddenly stared at the ticking clock hanging on the wall above.

 

“Oh  _hell_ ,” Kenobi hisses. “You’re late.  _Very late_. We have to get you to the Department of Last Words, or Ms Bailey might just kill me!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first chapters will lay out the foundation for the world of Elsewhere - establishing rules and stuff, but there will be some action next chapter, so don't you worry.
> 
>  
> 
> **Honestly though. Thoughts so far on the story?? Comment. Please?**


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BB-8 makes an entry. The chaos of moving into an flat for the first time. Watching Earth.

 

 

When Rey returns from the Department of Last Words she felt like she'd just lost all of them. The words, that is. She didn't know what to say and it was a nerve-racking feeling to be this conscious about what words should or would come next. Thankfully though, Rey didn't have to do much more talking. Kenobi was rambling through a whole deal of routine rules and planning, she mostly just sat there and nodded.

 

Mr. Kenobi had to dig and pull and move mountains of mountains of papers and folders until he found the keys and the papers to the apartment. At first Rey had tried to help him, but once she called timber for the second time, yet another tower of folders falling to it’s doom, she decided it wasn’t worth it. She didn’t even know what to look for. She had never exactly owned a flat before. So she stayed on the side-lines of his office, mostly just trying to decipher Kenobi’s rapid pace and his muttering words, papers and pens flying all around him as he kept his search. Ms. Bailey had started knocking on his office door five minutes ago, telling Kenobi to hurry up or the next counseling would be out of schedule. You don't mess with Ms Bailey.

 

Then, before she could blink, Rey was pushed out of the office, a brown envelope pressed into her chest. Waiting on the other side of the door the secretary like a guard dog, tapping her foot impatiently, arms crossed as she started going on and on how this whole department was a circus and how people like Kenobi and Rey were making it worse. Kenobi was ignoring her, though, his kind eyes focused on Rey as he wished her his final goodbye.

 

“The tiny lad is waiting for you outside. Something about fresh air, I heard. Now it’s time for you to go. Good luck, Rey!”

 

And so, Rey finds herself pushing through the rotating doors of the Registry’s ugly building, eyes searching the street frantically for a tiny boy. She hadn't gotten much else to look for. For a while she just stands there – empty street, empty sidewalk, empty steps, empty benches… A tired sigh fell from her lips. She’s not sure, but maybe there was some disappointment to that sigh. She was just about to walk away when…

 

“You little brat, give that  _back_!”

 

In the immense setting sun against the flat terrain, Rey turns around in time just in time to see a tiny boy standing in a defensive stance under a tall old man, thick and bushy eyebrows knitted together, eyes squinted. It was clearly an unfair match, but the boy didn’t notice, or he just didn’t care. Either way, he curled his hands into fists, jumping up and down on his feet.

 

It looked ridiculous.

 

Like a boxing kangaroo.

 

Rey couldn’t let it continue any further though, no matter how much she’d like to see her new roommate tackle an old man who was twice his size. Running up to the two, Rey pulled a hand up for them to stop.

 

“Okay clearly there’s been a huge misunderstanding!” she close to shrieked, her voice pitched. “What is going on?”

 

There’s a pause, then the old man grumbles out “Kids these days! This one should stay out of my way, or something bad might just happen, understood?” Rey can’t help it when her mouth falls open by the old mans cold voice and unforgiving eyes. She couldn’t imagine what the tiny boy could’ve possibly had done to upset this man to the extent of getting threatened, but it didn’t matter. She had already taken sides.

 

Gritting her teeth, Rey took a step forward. “You can go now.”

 

“And who do you think you are?” the man hisses. Then he looked down at the boy, like he was the one to blame of this. “He’s yours? Ha! You could’ve taught him some manners or—”

 

“He’s not mine!” Rey burst, cheeks burning. “And if there’s someone who needs some manners, it’s you. You do realize you’re yelling at a 6 year old?”

 

Standing in the middle of the small screaming competition, BB’s head turns to the old man, then back to Rey, like watching a tennis match. That is until the man barks out a “GO TO HELL!” - which makes BB fall into Rey’s shadow, eyes peaking out from behind her. When the old man is at a safe distance he’s gutsy enough to throw a middle finger back at them, and while it makes Rey gasp (contemplating whether this was one of those moments you should cover a child’s eyes or not), but it was already too late. BB had noticed. And sure, he may be just a kid, but he knew that a middle finger certainly wasn’t a polite thing. It prompted him to start yelling back at the departing old man.

 

“Yeah! You run away, you stupid piece of-”

 

Rey decides that this is certainly one of those moments when you take action and stop any more words from falling from the boys lips. “Shhhh,” she hushed him while she killed BB’s insults behind her hand.

 

BB quiets instantly, eyes turning to look up at the girl again. This had to be Rey, the girl the people at the office had told him about. She looked young, which was probably a good thing. Adults were usually way more boring. He wondered what colour her eyes were, if she would look down. She isn’t watching him though; she’s still keeping her gaze locked on the old man’s frame, checking for sure that he will leave. Then, finally, the small boy mutters out a  _thank you._

 

“No, problem,” Rey smile. “Just try and stay out of problem in the future, yeah?”

 

Shy eyes stare down at the concrete below, shoe scratching against the gravel. “Yeah.”

 

Biting her lip, Rey kneels down next to the small boy. “Your hair is all messed up,” she states after one quick scan. “Hold on, tough guy. Here…” Quick sweeping hands fix the bird nest that had settled on the top of his head, eyes narrow in concentration before rising from her crouch.

 

“Usually I always wear a cap, but I left it back home,” BB mumbles, scratching the back of his now warm neck. He’s blushing, because usually he’s not good with new people. He doesn’t know what to do. This was all new for him. So far so good though. The girl seemed cool. Not as cool as Mr Kenobi had told him, or as stupid as Ms Bailey had warned him, but cool.

 

“Where is home? Where’d you come from?”

 

“Far, far away.”

 

Rey shook her head. “That doesn’t say much.”

 

“It’s classified,” BB says, fingers moving up to his mouth as he starts biting on his thumb. He didn’t have enough courage to look up at her yet, so he kept staring at her shoes. They were too big. Not the right size.

 

“Oh. Classified. Really?”

 

He doesn’t have to look up to know she’s smiling.

 

“… Me too, I guess. Big, big secret. We’ll have to make our new home secret too, then, don’t you think?” Rey asks, her voice light and soft. This time it’s enough warmth in her words to make BB look up, his eyes suddenly wide with excitement.

 

“Yes! It can be like the Batcave,” he grins up at her.

 

“And you’ll be Batman?”

 

“Duh." And after some thought, "And you'll be Alfred.”

 

Rey scoffs. “ _Great_.” She got the role of an old, posh man. Couldn’t have been more ironic.

 

BB interrupts her inner thoughts with a chirping voice asking which superpower she’d preferred to get (so far, she settles with answering telekinesis) followed by one quick jab to her arm, eyes staring up at her once she returned to the conversation. Before she got the chance to throw the question back at him he'd already started listing off superpowers he liked.

 

“And I’m 8, by the way,” he says. “You said I was 6 earlier, but I’m 8 years old.” He emphasized on this, holding up the correct number of fingers in front of her face, way too close, before pulling back, any trace of annoyance gone. Now that that was cleared up he actually looked pretty satisfied with himself.

 

“You’re 8. Got it,” Rey nods, saluting him.

 

“You’ll be baking me birthday cakes, so I figured you ought to know.”

 

Rey gulped. She had never made a birthday cake before. Actually, kids weren’t something she was used to on a regular basis. Sure, she saw them every once a while in the cue for food back at Jakku, but that was it. No conversation, no story, no nothing. She hadn’t baked anything either, which surely would become a problem if BB was expecting cakes. Oh, it would be horrible. Then again, she'd have to make it good. She wanted BB to have a good birthday - nothing like the birthday she used to have as a kid. In other words, non-existent. She could barely remember what her own 8th birthday had been like. Back then she'd just started to outgrow climbing into the small spaces of engines and machines, so scraping for parts had become a lot harder. The first birthday present she'd ever got herself was a ivy plant that had soon climbed all over her uneven window. It hadn't lasted very long, she hadn't gotten time to water it and then Unkar's big hands had torn it away from the walls, telling her it looked ugly.

 

"... and there has to be candles," BB's voice tuned in again, and Rey got afraid for a second that she'd just missed the entire recipe. Then she reminded herself of the reason she was even standing here with an 8-year-old boy;

 

Roommate. Keys. Flat. New  _home_.

 

She had never had a place of her own before. Never a real home at least. A home with keys, a proper bed, a fully functioning kitchen… And, apparently, along with the package deal came a roommate. A roommate who was now standing beside her, head tilted up and eyes glued to the tall block of flats stretching up into the sky above.

 

“You sure this is the right address?” Rey asks as BB folds the map.

 

“Yup.”

 

He was tiny, but he looked even more so, rendered miniscule while standing at the bottom of the tall building. A tiny little child with a bronze mop of hair and dark eyes, white and grey stripes filing lanes on his jumper and bouncing feet trapped in too wide shoes. Actually, the whole way walking here, BB had stumbled and fallen straight into Rey at least three times.

 

She would’ve warned him that he would get himself killed if he didn’t keep his balance in check, but she didn’t, considering the stupid circumstances.

 

“You think there’s a lift?” Rey asks timidly as she, too, stares up into the sky. Eyes squint as she rolls back on her heels, lips pursing as the keys starts to burn in her hand. This would be her first  _real_ home. How do you even do this sort of stuff? She hated to admit it, but BB would probably have to take the lead in all of it. He probably knew more about recycling, defrosting a fridge and sorting laundry than she ever would.

  

“Think about the  _view_ ,” BB mumbles before letting out an impressed whistle.

 

Much to Rey’s relief – they are greeted with two silver doors sliding open once they enter the building. The lift ticks down from 16 to 15 to 14… And BB sways back and forth for every tick. His thumb has dropped from his lips now, the nervous biting gone.

 

He stays shy for about 30 seconds, and then BOOM, he suddenly just  _explodes_  with words.

 

He tells her about his many talents (lock-picking being one of them) and it’s only when they make it into the already furnished, white and light-blue apartment with panorama windows that Rey has to make him stop. Ducking her head out of her inspection of the fridge, she finds BB standing right next to her like a lost puppy, lips moving rapidly while he tries to go through the fall of the Roman Empire.

 

“Look, you're not going to talk all night, are you? Because that won’t work. Normal people, you know – non-superheroes, need sleep. Ineed sleep.”

 

“But what about dinner?”

 

“I uh.. I don’t…”

 

BB doesn’t let her fumble on her words any further, brushing her off with a wave of his hand. “I’ll make a foolproof pancake batter, and… um… Poe never lets me flip them, so you'll have to flip them, okay? We team up.” He’s already rolled up his jumper up to his elbows. “Lets do this.”

 

Rey doesn’t know any of the ingredients to pancakes so she lets BB write the grocery list. Once they get back with two packed bags of groceries, BB begins to pull out all the bowls and pans, setting up their workstation. Rey accidentally cracks the egg with small eggshells slipping into the mix and both struggle to dig up the microscopic pieces from the bowl (and later, when they’re actually eating Rey keeps finding more crunchy eggshells but it doesn’t matter to her.) She lets BB do most of the work, but he really insists on her flipping the pancakes.

 

Once the first pancake is done he assures her that the first pancake always turns out bad, but in Rey's case, it's always the first three pancakes that turn out bad. Bad as in either burnt, raw, soggy or all three at the same time. Much to their disappointment, Rey turns out to be a total amateur on flipping pancakes.

 

One even sticks to the ceiling, and BB has to sit on Rey’s shoulders to tear it off.

 

“Poe always flips them in the air,” BB mumbles. “It always looks so simple when he does it.”

 

Maybe she was holding the pan wrong?

 

Rey doesn’t say anything as she keeps working on the pancakes. There were a lot of things not playing out the way they were supposed to. At the grocery store BB had commented on her accent once they've gotten into a small disagreement over getting  _cookies_  or  _biscuits._  It didn't fit in. She didn't fit the role...

 

She keeps stacking the pancakes while BB sets the table. At least it doesn’t end in a total disaster. The pancakes are still eatable. (That’s Rey’s honest opinion. BB, however, think they’re just on the edge of tolerable. They would have to work on that..) But, as mentioned earlier, it wasn’t total catastrophe. At least that’s what Rey though, until she watches with a cringe as BB adds olive oil to his batch like it’s maple syrup.

 

She reaches out to stop him, but the plate is already drenched and close to flooding over, pancakes now drowning in golden oil. “Are you  _insane_?” Rey cries out.

 

BB doesn’t answer. At first Rey figures it’s because his whole mouth is filled with food, but even when he gulps down the ball of drenched pancakes, he doesn’t answer. He just keeps his eyes locked down on the plate down below, eyes suddenly sad. He looks close to tears.

 

Rey instantly leans closer. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I miss Poe, that’s all.” 

 

 

* * *

  

  

Rey never asked about Poe.

 

She didn’t know how to. She didn’t know how to ask without hurting BB, so she simply didn’t. Instead, she just listened and kept close enough to nudge BB’s shoulder once he finished telling some stupid anecdote of some prank he and Poe had pulled. She wanted to hug him, but she decided it was for the best not to. BB never actually looked for hugs when he started talking and rambling about the great adventures of  _Poe and BB - **the Greatest Duo of All Time**._  If he started, it was to make her smile, or to make himself smile.

 

Still, she knew that he missed Poe. BB was incomplete, scared and lost without Poe.

 

Of course he had never fully admitted to this, but after one week spent around BB, it wasn’t hard to see. She noticed the way he would bite his thumb, or pull a hand through his hair as if checking for a cap that wasn’t there, or how whenever she did a thing wrong in an otherwise known routine he would tense up.

 

“We could always get you a new cap,” she suggested one day.

 

“Nah,” the boy had shrugged, pulling a hand through his messy hair again out of reflex. “It wouldn’t be the same.”

 

“Did Poe get you the cap?”

 

To her surprise, and much to her relief, the boy smiled. “No,” he shook his head. “Actually, it was Ben. He got it from his uncle, who’s an absolute  _legend._  I’d been too shy to ask, besides, Poe always told me not to freak out around the Skywalkers, but… yeah. Well… Poe told Ben, and Ben got it for me on my birthday. It was um… unique. Couldn’t replace it.”

 

After that, Rey stays careful around him. She walks on eggshells whenever she sees him combine two completely incoherent and illogical ingredients of a meal and she’s extra patient with him whenever they go outside, BB always watching the clouds and shapes forming in the sky rather where he places his feet. She guards him close enough to stop him from tripping more than two times that very day.

 

“Ben was the first one who took me flying,” BB says one day. “Poe thought it was too risky. He always says that. Which is stupid. I mean, I got motion sickness  _one time_ , and he goes all mother hen… but not Ben. He thought it would be a good idea.”

 

Rey frowned. Honestly, she was starting to get into the same mindset as Poe. Someone as small as BB really shouldn’t be more than a few feet up from the ground. She’d seen him fall and stumble more than enough times to be worried about him hurting himself.

 

“Flying?” she trailed softly behind him.

 

“Yeah. Poe’s a pilot. The  _best_.” BB's eyes light up with pride. "I've done it countless of times with him. He let me tag along once Ben told him I didn't get sick that first time. Which I kind of did, but Ben promised it was okay. He didn’t tell anyone." 

 

"I've never flown before," Rey admitted.

 

"Yeah, it's super cool."

 

"Sounds like you have a lot of adventures, BB."

 

"And that's why I'm Batman and you're Alfred."

 

"I don't think I'll be a very good Alfred."

 

"You're right, your cooking is terrible."

 

Rey stares down at her pancakes, comparing her mashed pancake to the ones she'd had at the SS _Nile_. She's so deep in the memory that she doesn't hear when BB adds on how it didn't matter that her cooking was terrible. How she'd learn.

 

They come up with a game, questions of stupid would you rather and dares, but Rey always has to smooth things over or find a way to backtrack whenever she triggers something. Usually the games start off great, and despite it happening every time, Rey's always fooled that this time maybe it would be great all the way through. Fooled that this would be one of those good days where BB wouldn't get upset with her, but every time, without failure, she would answer a question wrong. She'd pick the wrong option of Pies or Cake? or she would dislike a indie rock band she'd barely listened to and nearly all of the time the game would go silent and BB would just go flat.

 

He was starting to get good at not letting it show-

 

BB didn’t like to admit to weaknesses – and Rey knew this because she was just the same. Maybe that’s why they got along so well. And maybe that’s why after one week, small feet padded over to where Rey was sleeping, soft pokes waking her.

 

Rey was used to the dark, so it didn’t take long for her eyes to adjust. And even if they hadn’t adjusted as quickly as they did, BB’s soft whimpers had given him away. It was 2 AM and here he was, standing by her bed, crying.

 

“I miss home.”

 

“ _BB_ …”

 

“I miss Poe. I miss flying.”

 

Sighing, Rey rubs her eyes, shifting in her bed to sit up. “BB,” she sighs, tugging on his oversized t-shirt to jump up next to her. Once he sat down opposite to her in a mirror image of crossed legs she reached out for his hand. “I know.”

 

“And it  _sucks_ ,” BB sniffed. “Because he’s not here, and he’s supposed to be here. Right  _here_. He said he wasn’t going to leave me. Because he never does. He always come back for me.” Tired, exhausted eyes glance down at his tiny hand wrapped in hers. “I’m horrible.”

 

“What? No, you’re not,” Rey quickly shook her head, trying to gulp down the rock that was climbing up her throat. “Why would you say that?”

 

She squeezes his hand, but he didn't squeeze back. His hand goes limp.

 

“Because it’s true, Rey! I’m horrible because  _I want him here_.”

 

Rey gulped when she understood the depth of his words.

 

“Because I miss him and he’s supposed to be playing his guitar until 1 AM even if I tell him not to because it's supposed to be quiet during the night because we're supposed to sleep but he kept playing that stupid song trying to learn and now everything is just so quiet and I hate it. I’m sorry but I hate it.” Tears were streaming down his chubby cheeks but he didn’t bother to brush them away. He just kept going, words flowing out like a stuttering, rusty machine. “And- and- and I want him to come here and fix everything, and- and I know it’s se-selfish but he’s the only one and it s-sucks because at the same time I don’t want him here. I don’t want him t-t-to.. to… I don’t…”

_Die_.

 

That was the word he was looking for, but couldn’t dare to say. BB never got to finish, because all of a sudden it seemed like his lungs were giving up on him. Words had picked up speed, and once he’d started stuttering he had just fallen into a deep well of panic. Panic because of the realization that he was alone, or more importantly, that  _Poe_  was alone. BB had transformed into a drowning tiny body gasping for air, shaking and crying at the pounding guilt at the back of his head.

 

Rey could feel his heart with the back of her hand, the diaphragm pressing heaving gaps and shakes on the small boy's chest, close to hyperventilation. And it was the heart. The heart that made him go red - made him break right in front of her. It almost felt like his heart was beating so fast it would explode. Like he was too tiny to feel, let alone handle, so much weight.

 

Although Rey had no idea what she was doing, she somehow (even though his grip was now back to rock solid) released herself from their grasping hands and moved up to cup his cheeks.

 

All she wanted was for him to smile again.

 

She hoped everything would be okay – that if only she could put up a good act that everything was fine, he would think so too. But that’s not how the world works. Her smile looked pained and lost – not as lost as BB felt, but close. Nevertheless, the small attempt made him stop – all sounds of ache stopping as BB’s lips pressed into a tight but trembling line, watery eyes staring up to meet her hazel green.

 

“Listen,” she spoke, slowly and hoarsely. “You’ll be okay. And I know you miss him, but you’ll be okay. You have me. I'll help.” She had to tighten her hold on his face to stop him from shying away, fingers mindlessly brushing away his bronze locks. “And Poe will be okay too. You told me about his friends, right? They’ll be with him. Snap, Jessika, Ben, Ava and Chad…”

 

She's trying to think of what the name of Poe's leading officer was, but before she could dig deep enough for an name to appear, BB's voice broke everything.

 

“You’re not Poe,” BB mumbles.

 

Rey shakes her head.

 

It felt a lot like sinking into a deep dark well.

 

“You’re right, I’m no one.” Her voice breaks even though it's a soft whisper. Her hands starting to slip away from him. It’s only when they fall when he goes to catch them – almost in mid air, and before she can pull away he holds them tightly to his chest where his heart is still threatening to punch it's way out.

 

And that’s when Rey starts to cry.

 

She cries because for once, she couldn’t fix this. She was just the same, a nobody who had no one, who would never be right, and it really did suck. It was horrible and it was terrifying and… utterly hopeless, because there was nothing to do. She couldn’t escape this. 

 

“I’m sorry, BB,” she sighs, her voice hitching as she turns away from him.

 

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine, remember?”

 

His words make Rey freeze and go tense, her eyes slowly closing. Kids BB’s age,  _8_  for crying out loud, should never,  _ever_ , have to feel guilty for something like this. The only thing 8-year-olds were supposed to feel guilty about was if they took the last cookie or if they did something silly only kids can do – but this? No, BB wasn’t supposed to have this.

 

Rey pushed the tears away, crouching away from BB as she racks his brain for any logical way to fix this.

 

She doesn’t find one, and for every passing second, she fell deeper and deeper into the darkness. Because clearly BB had come here for help. Instead of crying himself to sleep, he'd thought she could help. Make it stop. Clearly he had been looking for some kind of comfort, consolation – something Poe would’ve given if he hadn’t been so far away. And now... she couldn’t find the right words. She couldn’t give BB what he wanted, she didn’t know  _how_.

 

“Rey?” BB sniffles next to her, but there was no use.

 

With no response, BB tries to squeeze her now pretty much mangled hands in a second, much louder attempt. “Rey, just… I… uh.. I’m sorry.”

 

Rey stays quiet, and it doesn’t take BB long to give up him too, quietly leaving her room with a shrunken expression and a curled back, eyes locked to the floor as he grits his teeth. He’s cursing himself for even coming to her. He wasn’t a child, damn it. He could handle this.

 

(He couldn’t.)

 

Both Rey and BB spend the rest night of the night feeling lonely.

 

 

* * *

 

  

 

Going to the Observation Deck was Rey’s idea.

 

She had heard two girls in the soup-aisle about it; talking about the red lighthouse where you could go watch what happened back at Earth. She had heard them saying it was dangerous, the Observation Deck, that is. That places like that can get people obsessed. Like it was some kind of drug.

 

It was a risk Rey was willing to take, if that’s what would make BB happy.

 

And so, Rey and BB make their way out to the red lighthouse at the end of a narrow strip road parallel to the beach. Once they make it close enough, you could make out the brightly lit glass windows at the top. The windows reminded Rey of teeth. She couldn’t decide if it looked more like a smile or a snarl.

 

“How do we get inside?” BB asked as his hold around Rey’s jacket tightened.

 

“You think there will be a lift?” Rey asks in return, and BB huffs.

 

Rey had saved up for this all week. The Registry had given them two eternim for each session they'd gone to, visiting different departments and archives and registrations during their first week arriving at Elsewhere. She reaches into her pocket, removing five eternim coins before pressing them into BB’s palm. Apparently, according to the bus driver she had asked in her research of this place, five coins will buy you 25 minutes of time.

                                                                           

She just hoped that would be enough.

 

How long does it take to say goodbye to everything and everyone you’ve ever known? Does it take 25 minutes, a little longer than a sitcom without commercials? Who knows?

 

Once they reach the stairs of the lighthouse, BB and Rey almost crash into a willowy blonde woman in a black dress. The woman sobs quietly, but in a way that is meant to attract attention.

 

“Are you all right?” Rey asks her.

 

“No, I most certainly am _not_!” The woman stares with bloodshot eyes.

 

BB had been careful not to piss people off lately, so he’s careful when he peaks out from behind Rey.

 

“Did you die just recently?” he asks quietly, and the woman stares down at him.

 

“I don’t know,” she says. “But I would prefer to grieve _alone_ , if you don’t mind.” She bites her lip, clearly finished yet. “I’m in mourning for my life and I’m more unhappy than you can even imagine.” And then she puts on a pair of black cat-eye sunglasses (even though it'd been cloudy outside all day.) "I'm so broken I- I can't leave just yet. I have to go back." So adorned; she continues to weep as she turns around again, slow and weak steps pulling her up the lighthouse for the remainder of the stairs.

 

The observation deck, or OD, looks almost exactly like the one on the SS  _Nile_  except it’s smaller. The room has windows on all sides, lined with a tidy row of binoculars. Rey notes that not everyone who visits the OD is as unhappy as the weeping woman they'd met in the stairs. There's a small man sitting close to the stairs laughing and crouching over his station, gripping onto his heart as if it had grown twice it's size from whatever he was seeing. Then a few rows behind him, a young man in suit and tie was rubbing his temples with irritation, angry comments seeping from his lips, the words SELL or BUY reoccurring every now and then in a furious tone.

 

A plump middle-aged woman with a bad perm sits in a glass box by the top of the stairs. She waves the weeping woman through the turnstile that separates the OD from the stairs.

 

"You got to get back out there, you hear me? Go back down those stairs, missy." The weeping woman nods curtly,  _fine_ , and checks her reflection in the attendants glass box before finally turning back to the stairs, leaving with even louder cries than before.

 

“That woman is in love with her own grief,” the attendant says. “Some people just love all that drama.” She then turns to Rey and BB. “You’re new, so I’ll give you my little spiel. Our hours are 7 AM to 10 PM, Monday through Friday, 10 AM to 12 AM. Saturday and Sunday it’s 7 AM to 7 PM. We’re open three hundred sixty-five days a year, including holidays. One eternim gets you five minutes of time, and you can buy as much time as you want. The price is not negotiable. Whether you want five minutes or five hundred minutes, the rate is the same. The operation of the binoculars should be like the ones you’ve already encountered. Just press the side button for a different view, turn the eyepieces to adjust focus, and pivot the head as necessary. I’m Ester by the way.”

 

“I’m BB. I’m 8, not 6.”

 

“Rey,” she files in with a curt nod.

 

After that it doesn’t take long for BB to select Binoculars #7, which faces the land. Apparently, after all the time on the  _Nile_ , BB has grown tired of water. While BB jumps up into the tall metal stool and places an eternim into the slot, Rey stays pressed up against the glass windows. Weird sounds surround her – mixtures of gasps, laughter and cries – but she soon finds a way to tune them all out.

 

Every now and then she’s pulled back into the sounds, whenever BB puts another coin in, but other than that, she stays in her own little world.

 

That is until BB calls her name.

 

Rey glances over towards Binoculars #7, finding BB smiling at her.

 

“Did you find him?” she asks carefully, raising one eyebrow at him. She wanted to rush up next to him, but she stayed rooted to her spot over by the window. She didn’t want to intrude.

 

“Took me straight to him!” he nods excitedly. “He’s trying to solve a Sudoku but he’s already messed up the first box so he’s already doomed… even if I could help him, if he could hear me, I mean, he wouldn’t listen, you know? He’s too proud for that.” Adjusting his posture, BB suddenly looks older than usual, a solemn look falling on his dark eyes. They were usually filled with excitement and childish energy, but now, it looked like he'd lived through a 100 lifetimes. Then, after some hesitation, he goes to add, “you wanna see him?”

 

Rey bit her lip, slowly shaking her head as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “No, that’s okay. Wouldn’t want to waste your minutes,” she smiles, keeping her head tilted down towards the floor. Why was everything so clean around here?

 

“But I want you to, you’ll like him!” BB argued, offering the binoculars out to her.

 

But Rey remained still. “I’ll check next time we go here, alright?” she tries, not mentioning they’re slightly short on coins after BB’s choice to buy 2 packs of pineapple ice-cream lollipops. And yes, that was what they had been eating for the last three days. Constantly. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Perhaps it wasn’t the best choice of nutrition or diet, but hey – at least it tasted good.

 

While BB narrates how clumsy Poe could be as he tries to mop his apartment, Rey drifts off again. He starts commenting on the Sudoku again. How Ben would’ve seen the mistake, speaking of Ben, where was he? He was usually around this time of day. He was a horrible cook, and he usually more than happily accepted whenever Poe and BB would invite him over for a good home cooked meal made from the Grand Team of Poe and BB.

 

It’s when BB’s on his last five minutes that Rey is suddenly tackled into the nearest set of binoculars, air escaping her lungs and eyes suddenly sprung wide open.

 

“REY!” a voice booms above her. “You- you’re here!”

 

Before she can blink, BB abandoned Binoculars #7 and stormed up to where Rey was now trying to catch her breath, eyes glooming.

 

“Oye!” The tiny boy takes a guardian position in front of Rey, dark eyes glaring up at…

Rey's eyes light up when she sees Finn standing in front of her.

 

“Is this guy bothering you?” BB frowns, hands twisting in his jacket before pulling out a weird grey device that Rey can’t quite place until-

 

“Woah, is that a  _taser_?!” Finn squeak, hands flying up in the air as he instantly takes two steps back. All that’s missing is the white, waving flag. “What the fuck? Where did you even get that?”

 

“Where did you get that, BB?”

 

Finn turns to Rey. “He’s like… 10? Who, what, the hell-”

 

BB doesn’t answer, nor say anything about the age comment because for once, for the first time actually, someone was giving him the respect of something older than a six-year-old. It was a good sign, and the guy seemed kind of cool, but still. He'd just attacked Rey. BB wouldn't let a nice compliment erase that. So BB kept his stance, eyes narrowed as he aimed the electric charge.

 

“Back off.”

 

“No, no, no! BB, it’s okay. Finn’s my friend,” Rey calms, placing a hand on the tiny boy’s shoulder, while Finn keeps his hands up like a frozen (panicked) statue. “Put that down! Where on earth did you manage to get a taser?”

 

“Batman has cool gadgets – as do I,” BB shrugs, like that would explain it. “Who are you?” he then asks a rather flustered Finn.

 

“I uh.. I’m Finn. Finn Storm,” he smiles awkwardly before turning back to Rey. “I was looking for you at the Registry, but they told me you'd already left. I was meaning to tell you... My counsellor found me a _family_ \- My family!” He throws his hands out. ”I have a family Rey! Can you believe that? I figured they'd be long gone now but they're here.”

 

Rey’s smile is genuine and warm, and as Finn picks her up in a hug, she laughs.

 

“A real grandma, Rey. A real one who bakes cookies and likes to take care of plants and do old-people stuff. I mean, she’s not old, she’s just around 30, but still- My own family!”

 

“That’s great, Finn!”

 

Finn goes on to tell Rey how he had gotten himself a job – or well, an avocation is the proper term here. He had gotten a place at the museum, where there were not only never seen before on Earth Picasso paintings, never heard symphonies by Tchaikovsky playing in speakers over the wide halls of sculptures made by Michelangelo and collections of albums and records never heard before by Elvis and Michael Jackson. Finn had even himself started to create art of his own; nothing too big just yet, but small baby steps through sketches and palettes.

 

"Grams got me all different types of art supplies as a welcoming present. Said she'd always known I was good at drawing."

 

“And your gunshot wound is gone!” Rey smirked once she noticed Finn’s head, now clear from any trace of death or pain. Completely smooth, perhaps only a tiny little difference in pigment, but if you didn’t know where to look you wouldn’t have noticed it.

 

“Yeah,” Finn scratched the back of his neck. “I had almost forgotten about that one.”

 

For the first time in a while, BB speaks up. “You got shot? .. So you’re in the army then?”

 

Finn, who for a moment seemed to have forgotten about the tiny boy standing next to Rey looked stunned for a moment. Then, after blinking two times, he pulled back again.

 

“Obviously. Yes. I am. I’m in the army, yeah. Yes.” For some reason he looks anywhere but at Rey and BB, adding in a whisper: " _I'm in the army_.”

 

“I’ve never met a army soldier before,” BB frowns. "I only know the air force people."

 

“Well, this is what we look like. Some of us. Others look different.”

 

"Duh. Different uniforms."

 

Finn carefully starts to pull back the conversation back to the subject of avocations, suggesting that maybe Rey and BB could go and check the Aquarium out. It was just on the other side of the street to the museum where he worked at, and they were currently looking for people who could help out. It wasn’t necessarily Rey’s first choice, but when BB’s eyes started sparking with eagerness, she shrugged her shoulders.

 

Why not?

 

Besides, she would be seeing more of Finn.

 

And so, Finn promises lunch at the gelato place at the corner of the street. All three of them finds themselves sitting there on a regular basis; BB usually with a mountain pineapple and raspberry, Rey with a cone of coconut and blueberries, and Finn with a fast-melting lemon and mango sorbet combo. They’re in complete oblivion just sitting there, both boys laughing at Rey as she tries to wipe away some ice cream from the tip of her nose. They all just sit there, completely unaware of how their time was closing in.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **see you soon, baboon**


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another visit to the lighthouse. Making friends and expanding the superhero-team. Han Solo owns a red thermos.

 

 

It takes them about a week to get back to the lighthouse.

 

It’s almost ironic how they bump into the grieving woman on their way up. She’s still wailing loud as ever, and she’s still wearing sunglasses. “Cruel, cruel, cruel,” she sniffs as they pass her. Once they reach the top, Rey can see how Ester in the glass box prepares herself with a deep inhale to tell the grieving lady to go away again, but once she notices the new faces, Ester sighs in relief. Rey can’t imagine how annoying it must be for the lady at the desk to have to deal with the lady  _every single day_.

 

Next to her, BB was acting quite the opposite.

 

Instead of falling behind her or hiding in her shadow like he usually did, he’d been walking with the focus of an Olympic athlete. His steps were long and quick and it almost looked like he was walking in splits.

 

“You’ll have to see him this time,” he’d insisted.

 

No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t let herself steal a peak. Not even just a few seconds just to check her theories of the two brothers; checking if they shared the same habits, or if they were completely opposite. She couldn’t look. The time was valuable, and unlike last time, they only had enough coins to make it to 20 minutes.

 

“Come on, hurry  _up_!”

 

This time Rey equipped herself for the passing time. She'd packed a snack, as well as a book she’d loaned from the library.

 

It wasn’t easy for her to sit still. Never had been. It wasn’t efficient. She was used with tinkering or always staying in motion, a habit she apparently couldn’t escape even now when it didn’t matter anymore. Her fingers were fidgeting, and although plenty of old people at the OD often brought their knitting or crosswords to their seats, Rey had never really gotten to like either forms of passing time. And so she settled for a book and a sloppy made sandwich. 

 

BB sprinted to Binoculars #46, jumping up on the seat, perfecting himself into a comfortable position before his trembling hands reached over to enter the first coin into the machine.

 

Rey waited carefully for the reactions to flood from the little boy. At first there was a content sigh, then a scoff.

 

“He should shave,” BB muttered.

 

The book Rey had bought distracted her for as long as 2 good minutes before she got bored, the language chunky and old. And although she’d taught herself to savour food, the sandwich was gone way too quickly. They’d skipped breakfast, so this was her first meal of the day, unless you considered the chugging of tea and half a bagel getting shoved into her system before running down to the Aquarium.

 

Eyes drift over the room again, watching a mass of people watch their loved ones.

 

Rey, however, didn’t have anyone to watch.

 

It made her wonder… it made her wonder a lot of things. Like if it was always easy who people chose to watch first. She thought back at the last time she and BB had been here, running into Finn. She realizes she’d never asked who Finn had gone to watch.

 

Thoughts started to wander further away from the subject of loved ones, and more over to the systematic function of the binoculars. Slowly, Rey approached the glass box again, where Ester was watching carefully with sceptical eyes.

 

“How do the binoculars even work?” Rey asked upfront. Better to go straight to it.

 

It seemed like Ester wasn’t the kind of person who exactly enjoyed big schematics. Turns out she was wrong. Short versions wasn’t appreciated either, it seemed. Ester was making a face, and Rey thought that maybe this lady didn’t want any contact  _at all_.

 

“You should know that by now,” Ester said with a frustrated tone. “You put in your coin and then it takes you right where you want to.”

 

“No, I meant, how do they  _really_  work? I don’t know a thing about the mechanics of it. I’d like to learn.” _Maybe I could make one_ , Rey thought, but she didn’t add that out loud. That would probably bankrupt Ester.

 

“Like any binoculars, I suppose. A series of convex lenses in two cylindrical tubes combine to form one image,” Ester answered, and it sounded like this wasn’t the first time she have had this conversation. Maybe that’s what the glass box was for. “Earth is not that far away. It’s closer than you think.”

 

BB in mind, Rey bit her lip. It wasn’t close enough for BB to be okay. He needed Poe to be okay, and it wasn’t enough. Even though the OD cheered the little boy up, it wasn’t the same. Never would be.

 

“I wish it was closer.”

 

“Think of it like a tree, because every tree is really two trees. There’s the tree with the branches that everyone sees, and then there’s the upside down root tree growing in the opposite way. So Earth is the branches growing up to the sky, and elsewhere is the roots, growing down in opposing but perfect symmetry. You’re always connected, you just don’t think about it.”

 

“Just tell me how they work.”

 

“I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.”

 

Rey grinned at that, although she felt heartbroken. “Already am.”

 

Ester opened her mouth, just about to object, but everything stopped for Rey when there was a loud cry called out in the room. Noise was something that happened on a regular basis, and Ester didn’t even flinch, but Rey went cold as ice. It was BB. It was BB who was crying out.

 

“NO!”

 

Her feet couldn’t take her there faster. She crashed down on her knees next to BB, who was shaking. Not from the nerves and excitement he’d walked in with, but with fear and pain. His fists were clenching the binoculars, and for a moment she was afraid he was hurt. He looked torn. As if he didn’t know whether to look away or not. Which one would be worse?

 

BB was getting louder.

 

“NO! YOU STUPID  _IDIOT_.”

 

A few rows back, the same man with the suit from last time shushed him before going back to glare at his stockbrokers back on Earth. Not that it made any difference. BB was still losing it. Losing grip on Earth: on Poe. He wasn’t strong enough to hold on to the binoculars any longer, falling back into his chair as if stun with a heavy sedative.

 

“Poe,” he whimpered, and Rey saw how her hand shot out to grab BB’s forearm. It made the boy turn around, eyes lost even when they found her, reminded that she was there with him. “Rey,” he sighed.

 

“What happened?”

 

BB didn’t know how to explain it to Rey. Not once during their weeks together had he said one bad word about Poe. His older brother weren’t perfect, BB for one didn’t find anything charming about the snoring, but he loved his brother. And he wanted Rey to be impressed with his family and where he came from  _before_. So how on Earth could he explain to her how he’d just watched Poe shift, in a matter of seconds, from calm and collected to a raging bull? He’d torn everything in the apartment up, even thrown a chair. One of the paintings BB had made in preschool was ripped from the wall before getting slammed down into the cold floor. Glass scattered. After that his older brother had just stayed on the floor, crying. It was the exact opposite of what Poe stood for. He stood for hope and rebuilding, not this. He never crawled. He never broke. Never.

 

BB felt so betrayed. It hurt.

 

“I want to leave,” he mumbled. “I feel tired.”

 

“Of course. Of course.”

 

Rey put her hand on his shoulder, gently pulling him towards the stairs. Poe would’ve ruffled his hair in these situations. Or Ben would’ve carried him over his shoulder. None of that happened. It was just Rey now.

 

As they passed the woman in the glass box on their way out, BB came to a halt, turning slowly to meet the lady’s gaze.

 

“Hey, Lady - You wouldn’t know how to make Contact with the living, would you?”

 

“Why in the world would you want to know that? Nothing good ever come out of talking to the living. You two needs to stop asking these sort of questions. It just won't do.”

 

“He’s not going to make it without me,” BB whispers.

BB falls into her again and this time he can’t suppress his yawn. It doesn’t take long until she gives in. All those years carrying motors and parts for Unkar did resolve to something. She tells him to jump up on a nearby bench and he jumps onto her back with aimless hands and legs. Although BB is anything but graceful, she holds him steady.

 

It wasn’t as comfortable as when Ben carried him. Not nearly as high up. But in this moment, at this very second, BB didn’t care.

   

  

* * *

 

  

The avocation Finn had gotten for Rey and BB didn’t fit exactly fit.

 

At least not for Rey.

 

She’d never really been good with water. Water short-circuited her machines and to her only meant danger most of the time. BB on the other hand was all for it. So while Rey kept looking for an avocation that didn’t involve water; she stayed with BB.

 

In Elsewhere it was completely normal for a child to have an avocation. Kenobi had explained that as long as it was a found passion, avocations were healthy to the mind in the afterlife. And it had worked out good for BB. He loved watching the tanks of sharks and fish and the neon glow of the plants and corals. There was so much life he couldn’t stop watching it. Almost to the point where he forgot to feed the poor fellas.

 

They had lunch over by the jellyfish windows, bright pink and orange jellyfish moving up and down against a Klein-blue backdrop.

 

“I don't really like it here,” Rey says. "I think I might look somewhere else."

 

"We can go outside if you'd like."

 

Rey tries to gulp down a large chunk of her burrito, stomach desperate to be filled with real food other than pineapple lollipops.

 

"No, no, foh a job, I mean. I don’ really think this Aquarium-and-fish-avocation is my passion, yoh knuw," she gurgles through the food, which is a habit she'd just recently had learned to adopt from her new roommate. They had a mutual understanding of table manners, which was none. Nearly coughing down the last bit of her burrito, she gasps for air before ending her thought. "…surely there are loads of jobs here in Elsewhere."

 

"You don't have to ask me for permission. I mean, I'll probably retire next year," BB shrugged. "Kenobi could probably help you out finding a new thing.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What do you even like to do, Rey?”

 

Rey frowned, because it was the first time he ever asked. So far they’d only gone by his rules, his direction. But for the moment it felt better that way. She didn’t exactly know how to take the lead in this normal, human way of living.

 

“I don’t know yet. Just maybe nothing that keeps me inside all the time.”

 

“I’ll help. We can make a list of suggestions and stick it to our fridge,” BB said. “Just as long as you don’t turn out as a chef or a baker,” he rolled his eyes, hiding a smug smile behind his wrap of food. "Any cooking job, really… You'll probably find a way to poison someone. Actually, I’d probably be the first one."

 

She bumps his shoulder playfully, and he swings back to do the same, all while keeping his eyes locked back on the jellyfish floating in the windows in front of them.

 

“Or I guess an ice-cream parlour would be nice. I could come visit you every lunch break and have endless of ice-cream.”

 

“That doesn’t sound healthy.”

 

“Live a little,” BB said. A reflex. “I uh… I mean… uhm.”

 

He is just about to backtrack, trying to come up with some example of a healthy meal she’d given him lately to maybe complicate her on. Maybe go off chance and steer the conversation somewhere else. But there was no need. Next to him, Rey burst out into a river of laughter, eyes squinting as she tried not to choke on the small piece of burrito she’d yet to swallow.

 

She didn’t let the laughter die out very quickly, slowly but surely sweeping out into small fits of giggles. Her cheeks started to turn red, but in the blue light from the aquariums around them, she just looked ridiculous. It made BB smile. Things weren’t so bad after all.

 

Rey thought back at the last time she’d laughed this hard.

 

It’d been with Finn.

 

Speaking of,

 

“Finn asked if we could come to the museum tonight. The art gallery is having an exhibition and they let him hang one of his paintings.”

 

“Yeah, sure! I like Finn,” BB answered, one hand moving up to his lip, nervous biting on his left thumb. After a pause he made sure to add, “--he’s nice, which is good. Poe always said friends are good to have... I mean, yeah… oh, maybe we could recruit him as Robin!”

 

“Robin?”

 

“Batman’s trusted counterpart Robin!”

 

“Why does he get to be your sidekick and I don’t?”

 

BB rolled his eyes again. “I make the rules, Alfred.”

 

And so, they found themselves camped inside the small gallery later that evening. They hadn’t gotten time to go back home and change, meaning slightly smelling like seagrass and fish - definitely not as fancy as the other guests. The others wore gowns and suits and tuxedos and dresses, and there, right in the middle of it stood the odd pair, eyes wide and cheeks blushed from embarrassment. It must’ve looked like a stain on a beautiful painting, seeing them stand there, Rey figured, but it didn’t matter.

 

They spent a good time on the small buffet and Rey managed to stack an impressive five different canapés and crumpets in one hand all while her free one sneaked around the table to find new goods to taste. There were fruits she’d never seen before; things she didn’t even know existed. They’re about halfway through a tug war of the last chicken brochette when Finn finds them. It looked oddly baroque with their scrunched up faces and their arms outstretched, especially when the soft tune of classical music was playing in the background.

 

“Happy you’re not tearing the place down,” Finn grinned as he kept himself at a safe distance from the food massacre. Once the two partners in crime looked up, his grin grew even wider to see both of them with various types of sauce moustaches covering their face.

 

“FINN!” Rey jumped, quickly loosening her grip on the stick. Her opponent in the tug war swayed back at the sudden change of momentum, but stayed upright. “These are so good, have you tried them?”

 

“Not yet, no,” he shook his head.

 

“You have it,” a small voice mumbled, and slowly a chicken brochette was raised to Finn, almost like a king about to dub a knight into the group. Finn carefully accepted the gift, feeling surprisingly honoured, thanking BB quietly.

 

“You wanna go check out my painting?” he goes on to ask, using the stick to point over in the direction of the exhibit.

 

“Hell yeah,” BB nodded.

 

“Just… uhm… Don’t expect the Mona Lisa or anything. I mean… it doesn’t float and it doesn’t cure cancer or have any gems in it.”

 

The painting is done with stale colours, vibrancy and saturation gone. Which suits it perfectly when it blends into a landscape of tall skinny trees trapped in a thick snowstorm. Finn must’ve been in countless of blizzards because when she looked at the painting, Rey felt it move with her. How it was eating the forest up, bit by bit.

 

“Finn it’s…”

 

“Beautiful,” BB finishes.

 

Rey is not the only one stuck in front of the small painting causing so much disruption. A little girl walks up to it, bursting Rey’s bubble as she gaze up towards the painting.

 

“The sky don’t fall here, not much,” she says. She tilts her head at the painting, maybe a little bit more than necessary. Almost a 90-degree turn, as if she’s trying to watch the painting upside down. For a split second, Rey is tempted to the same thing. Snow ascending and rising up up up felt exciting.

 

“What do you mean?” Rey asks instead.

 

“Like that!" The girl points to the falling snow in the picture. Though it’s not exactly falling. It’s crashing down.

 

“You mean snow?” Rey says. “You mean it doesn’t snow here?”

 

“Not much, not much,” the girl hums. She steals a peak at Rey, not as discreet as she might think she was being. “You’re big.” Rey shrugs at this. “How many are you?”

 

“25.”

 

“I’m four.”

 

BB, who’d absentmindedly kept watching the painting until now, looks at the girl. “Are you a real four year old or a fake?”

 

The girl opens her eyes as wide as they’ll go. “What do you mean?”

 

“Are you really four, or are you just pretend?”

 

“I don’t know, I’m four. You’re mean!”

 

Once the little girl is no where to be seen, Finn kneels down next to BB. “See, buddy, it’s like my grandmother, yeah? She died when she was 97 years old, but she’s 30 right now. You can see her over there, see?” Finn points over to where a beautiful woman with a vibrant coloured dress is standing, admiring paintings of a lion. “Doesn’t look like a 97-year-old, now does she?”

 

“I get it,” BB crossed his arm over his chest. “She’s like Benjamin Button.”

 

“Kiiinda, I mean, yeah, sure.”

 

In the corner of his eye, BB saw how a new attendee to the buffet had brought along more food to the otherwise ransacked table, and he was soon lost to the crowd before Finn or Rey could stop him. Rey turned back to Finn, asking him if he had any younger siblings. He must’ve realized what she was after, because he knew she was having a hard time. He tried to calm her, but then she told the story of what had happened at the Observation Deck, over at the lighthouse.

 

It was all about saving Poe.

 

The sound of BB’s noise makes the two of them turn around again. It hadn’t taken the boy very long to sprint over the woman Finn had pointed out to be his grandmother, eagerly pulling on the side of her dress for attention. Finn and Rey watch in amusement as BB jump at the poking, spilling her glass of bubbles over BB’s shoulder, followed by a terrified shriek and an apology. BB points his finger up at her, and Rey could only imagine he was making poor choices of words, but the woman just smiles, nodding her head.

 

It’s only when Finn’s grandmother and BB joins them that BB explains that Finn’s grandmother just got recruited as the Muscle of the Batman team.

 

“She has good reflexes, throwing that drink all over me. Could be a great distraction tactic too!” he claps his hands together excitedly.

 

“I told you, boy. No fighting.” The woman shakes her head. “Unless they have it coming.”

 

BB looks like he’s just won the lottery. Or at least it feels like it. He should start working on their secret handshake high-five infused fist-bump right away.

 

Grandmother Storm deems Finn’s two friends charming enough to invite them over for dinner that night. They learn more about each other. For example how she had made Finn repaint the whole house yellow the first week he arrived to Elsewhere to keep him occupied. A meditation of sorts. Or, like BB pointed out, more like Karate-Kid secret training. There are pots of clementine trees parked outside the front door and there are a dozen of different flowers in the garden. Master of the house is the cat Logan, who’s eyes keep staring at Rey and BB the whole dinner until the cat eventually falls asleep.

 

It’s the first good, healthy and well-cooked meal Rey and BB have had in weeks and they close to inhales the food like hungry wolves. Finn and Rey works through the dishes together, Rey scrubbing like a maniac and Finn drying. Back at the dining table, BB gives a standing invitation to Grams to visit him at the Aquarium. His hands fly out to imitate the size of the sharks and he must be talking at least 50 miles an hour. Sometimes Grams has to stop him and tell him to talk slower. In turn, Grams tells BB about her own avocation. She works at a television station as an announcer. She reads the names of upcoming arrivals to Elsewhere so that people know when to go to the pier to greet them.

 

Rey floats her focus back to the dishing.

 

Her fingers were sore and torn. They had been that way for as long as she could remember. Unlike Finn’s gunshot wound, which had healed in the first weeks of Elsewhere, her hands had stayed the same. Rough and scarred and hard. She thinks back at the days scrubbing clean her day’s salvage. She thinks back at the time Teedo had made her clean his gear as well, using it as a debt for that one time he gave her food when she didn’t have any.

 

She stares down at her hands. She wonders what they would’ve looked like if they’d grown old. But not everyone reach an age of 97.

 

A tear rush to slip down her cheek, and before Finn gets to question it, the back of her wrist shoots up to push it away. "Stupid. Just got dish soap in my eye," she hopelessly mumbles out. For a solid two solid minutes Rey avoids Finn's obvious stare, rubbing at the bubbles in the sink. When she eventually feels like the tears hollow out and dry out like back at Jakku, she let's herself sigh.

 

She glances at Finn, who's already looking at her when she turns.

 

“Have you heard anything from Han Solo?” she asks in a small voice, just low enough not to disturb whatever animate conversation BB and Grams were having. It almost feels like a secret.

 

“Last time I heard they said he became a fisherman,” Finn says. “You’ll probably find him by the docks.”

 

“A fisherman?” Fishing seems so ordinary. It didn’t make any sense. “Why would Han Solo, the legend who’s travelled all over the world, be a  _fisherman_?"

 

“Beats me.”

 

“But… but Elsewhere is big enough for new things to explore. I bet he could go on new adventures and write stories and-“

 

“He already did that once, Rey. Maybe it made him happy back on Earth, but Elsewhere is a new chance at making choices.” Finn was right, to some extent. But still. There was so much left to do. It seemed entirely wrong for Han Solo to be anything other than going on adventures. She half-expected the man to build a hot air balloon and sail away into the horizon. Maybe she could ask him about it.

 

“ _It’s BB_ ,” she lowers her voice even more than necessary.

 

Finn stops drying the plate he’s hold, soundlessly dropping it onto the counter before reaching out to grab her soapy hand. Judging from the quick glance she steals, Finn doesn’t look that surprised. Almost like he’d been expecting this. Like he’d been waiting for her to say something. It makes Rey’s heart sink, because of course he’d noticed. Who hadn’t?

 

What surprise her even more is that Finn’s voice manages to  _calm_  her with his question. “What’s wrong?” he asks, squeezing her hand. It’s almost like they’re back at the SS  _Nile_.

 

She shakes her head. “Actually, it’s about Poe… Thinks he’s in trouble.”

 

Sensing that there was more, Finn turns around to talk to Grams and BB. Rey can’t concentrate enough to listen to everything he’s saying, just keeps staring down at his hand grasping hers. Rey almost jumps when she hears BB push his chair back from the dinner table, yelling something about how he couldn’t belive they hadn’t given him the tour yet, soon enough pulling Grams away from the kitchen. Once they’re gone, Finn turns back to Rey again, offering a worried smile. He makes her sit down, and although he’s close, it doesn’t feel crowded. And Rey starts to explain. She tells Finn about BB and about his older brother Poe and about the observatory. She doesn’t tell him everything, but just enough.

 

“I’ll help you,” Finn says, and Rey nods slowly. “We’ll figure it out.”

 

They  _had_  to. They had to save Poe.

 

And so it was decided that she would try and visit Han Solo the next morning.

 

“I’ll come with you,” Finn smiled as he jumped into his boots. “I got a bike.”

  

The docks swallow them with the scent of salt, sun and the ocean. They spot Han Solo right away, fishing pole in one hand, cup of coffee in the other. He’s wearing a faded plaid shirt, and his skin has gotten a golden hue. He’s wearing a cap, paled from the sun and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The hair sticking out from his cap looks browner than before. Rey doesn’t know if he will remember her or Finn. Luckily, he smiles as soon as he sees them.

 

Finn waved hello in an awkward half-circle, his lips pressed into a tight line.

 

“Hi, kid.” Han Solo has tired eyes and a soft smile, taking a small sip of his coffee again. “How’s the afterlife treating you?”

 

“Good so far!” Finn nodded. “Fishes treating you nice, Solo?”

 

“Did you just call me Solo?”

 

“ Sorry… Han… Mr. Solo.”

 

“Nah, I’m just messing with you, kid. You don’t have to make a big deal out of me. Coffee?” he offers.

 

Turns out Han will have coffee at any time of day, during any season. He pours them both a cup of coffee from the red thermos and the three of them sit down overlooking the blue ocean stretching out before them.

 

Rey forced down the strong and bitter coffee before speaking. “I wanted to ask you a question.”

 

“Sounds serious.” Han sat up straighter. “I don’t make as many promises as I did before, but I’ll try to help.”

 

“You were honest with me on the boat.”

 

“I’ve learned that women always figure out the truth. Always.”

 

The waves crash softly against the edge of the beach below. The air is moist in their lungs as they all take a moment to breathe, watching as the water rolls over the rocks and pillars of the dock.

 

Rey lowers her voice. “We need to take Contact with someone. Could you help?”

 

“You sure you know what you’re doing, kid?”

 

Finn clenched his jaw, eyes narrow and honest. “It needs to be taken care of.”

 

“I heard that there are two ways to communicate with the living. One, you could try to find a ship back to Earth, although I doubt this would be a very practical solution for you. It takes a long time to get there and, from what I hear, tends to pervert the reverse-ageing process. Plus, you don’t exactly want to be a ghost, now, do you?”

 

Both of them shake their head in unison. “What’s the second way?”

 

“Heard about a place, sharp and dark cliffs, about a mile out to sea and several miles deep. Apparently, it’s the deepest place in the ocean. People call it the Well. Supposedly, if you can reach the bottom of this place, a difficult task, you will find a window where you can penetrate to Earth.”

 

Rey sips her coffee. She’s not a strong swimmer. Never learned how to. She didn’t know about Finn, but judging from how his face had just turned red and pale at the same time in a odd mixture of horror and humiliation, she would guess he was a big no as well.

 

Han’s eyes were still vibrant with kindness, “Be careful.”

 

“We won’t go. I can’t... I can't swim,” Rey mumbled, and Finn echoed the same.

 

“Everything will heal, don’t you worry too much,” Han tried, but at the same time, as he watched out over the vast ocean, he felt something tear at his heart. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the horizon. It felt like someone he knew was staring right back at him.

  

   

* * *

   

  

Ben Solo remembers a barrage of colour, without form, and a deafening roar so loud he could feel it in his chest, only there was no way he could escape or even hide from it. It was like one of those dreams where there’s a monster in the room and you just sit down and shut your eyes and cover your ears, but the dream won’t end, and you wait in fear wondering if the dream ends in time to save you, or if it surrenders you to the moment. 

   
  
That awful, aching silence, filled with anticipation, dread, so many questions, but it drags on for so long and the mind grows weary and just resigns itself to the wait. There’s no time for introspection, bargaining, wishful thinking, only the moment in which you exist.

   
  
And the silence hangs heavy, forever.

 

He arrives at Elsewhere the next day.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **admit it, this may be the first time you're actually happy reading about Ben Solo's death, right?**


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben arrives to Elsewhere and meets people.

 

 

The grey rain-curtain of the old world world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then he see it. White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.

 

Ben can’t remember the last time he’d seen so many people part of his family gathered at one place.

 

His father was just like Ben remembered him. Same smirk, still tousled grey hair. A face scarred with know-how, aged by experience, a world-weary-characteristic of someone who’d travelled the world. He gets the feeling that his dad is just about to tell him about one of his latest adventures, or coups, like mum used to call them. But the hazel eyes are not wide with excitement, but narrowed in something Ben can’t figure out.

 

“ _Ben_.”

 

He felt a pang in his heart upon hearing the voice he’d lost again. He remembers dialing to his father’s old phone, just to listen to the grumpy and very outdated voice recording. He remembers once making the oversight of calling home, only to find his mother pick up the phone. He sometimes wondered how hard it had to be for her – missing and mourning for Han. Surely it couldn’t be the same type of missing as Ben felt. His parents were bound to be hurt whether they were together or apart.

 

“Son,” the voice said again, and Ben felt how his knees started to wobble. With the little focus he had left besides letting itself bask in the voice, the eyes, the smile, the eyes, the voice, _his father_ \--- he manages to make his feet move to the distance. Or at least half of it.

 

His grip was tight as he nearly fell into his fathers chest, arms desperate to hold on and never, fucking never, let go this time. He _wouldn’t. No fucking way_.

 

His father had never been a very patient person, but this time he let's Ben cling onto him without even as much as a sigh. They stood together for what felt like days.

 

Ben felt odd. His father had never been this patient before. At least not from what Ben could remember. Which was strange, because he remembered a lot of things about his father. But after Han had died, it was like the small details had disappeared. He’d tried to grasp them but they’d just turned into dust. Instead, he could only remember the big things, the loudest laughs and the biggest fights and the longest travels and the warmest memories, but just a week after the funeral, Ben found himself lost on whether his father was left handed or not. If he took his coffee black or if he preferred tea if he snored, if—

 

“It’s okay, Ben.”

 

Han’s voice was soft and patient. So patient and still and Ben felt himself burying his face into the man’s shoulder, crouching slightly at the difference. It could’ve been worse, but considering how Ben’s knees were nearly touching the ground the two Solos’ were balanced out.

 

Next time Han spoke, Ben had to lean back just to make sure it was real.

 

“ _We’re okay_ ,” Han repeated, and the words felt heavier than expected. Ben had often wondered what it would take; what Han would have to say to make him feel this light again – he’d always imagined it had to be a long lecture of right and wrong, of forgiveness and selflessness, but in the end it was simple.

 

Although it was difficult to tear his stare away from his father, Ben managed to peak over Han’s shoulder over to the others waiting with patient smiles.

 

“It’s okay,” Han repeated once he’d finally managed to lift Ben’s trembling figure just enough to keep him upright and balanced enough to stay stable on his own. “It’s okay, we’re not going anywhere.” Somehow that was enough for Ben to release the sigh he’d locked in ever since the funeral. Han wasn’t going to disappear again.

 

Ben can’t remember the last time he’d seen so many people part of his family gathered at one place.

 

His grandfather stood like a tower in the group, strangely young and robust with a kind face. Next to him, with her cheek resting lightly against Anakin’s shoulder, was his grandmother. Their hands were entwined. They stood good-naturedly waiting, silent. Bail Organa however wasn’t as calm, rocking from the tip of his toes to the balls of his feet, brown warm eyes scanning from Han to Ben, back to Han, back to Ben, until finally he had enough. Ben immediately saw where his mother got her energy.

 

“It is great to finally meet you,” Bail grabbed Ben’s limp hand with both of his, squeezing tightly. He was younger looking too, and unlike the tired sketch Ben’s mother always had used to describe her father, Bali was much less tattered, his hair thick and dark.

 

Ben wants to answer but his throat feels like a desert and he doesn’t know what to say. The familiar faces he’d only known from old picture frames were suddenly alive in front of him, yet they weren’t. They were strangers and they weren’t alive and he had too many questions. Turns out Ben wasn’t the only one who felt overwhelmed. Bail looked ready to fire out a blast of a million questions that had queued up over time, but just like Ben he was left silent. Not willingly, though. A small but strong hand belonging to his wife Breha appeared on his arm, mercifully sparing Ben from her eager husband as she started to pull Bail away from him.

  

Once he's left in his own bubble again Ben takes a quick look back over at his father again, really checking if he would still be there, just about to reach out… Han is one step ahead of him though, and before he can reach, his father places a comforting hand on his shoulder, the connection raw and stronger than ever.

 

“I’m sorry… It’s just... I didn’t expect anyone to be here… waiting for me…” Ben stumbled with his words.

 

He’s only halfway through his confession when the hand on his shoulder reels him in, arms locking Ben into another tight hug. Ben doesn’t feel so alone anymore, because his father was here. His father had waited for him.

 

“You alright, son?”

 

It’s quiet and Ben can hear his own heartbeat.

 

“No, I’m okay,” Ben answered a little bit too loudly.

 

"Hey. It's you and me. Whole damn world against us but we'll make it through okay." Han takes a moment to stare, then, because Han is Han and teasing is what he does (with little to no analysis of whether it was the right moment or not) a stupid smile starts to twitch on his lips as he adds; "Your hair is getting too long. Signature Chewie."

 

All of his relatives’ warmth fills up the scared thought of loneliness, all doubt of abandonment gone. They tell him with soothing gentle voices over and over again how proud they were. How happy they were to see him grow so tall and setting the record for the entire family. How they’d all laughed that one time they saw him take down Chewie to an open mic. They didn’t seem like strangers to Ben anymore. They felt like love.

 

The sea crashes its waves onto the coast and Ben feels the rip of the wind and the sun grazing his skin. _It’s okay. It’s okay_. He can’t remember where the words came from; if they come from himself or if they were imprinted with the help of his relatives. _It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay_. It didn’t matter where it came from.

 

The sun is still bright, even though it’s closing to dawn, and Ben has to close his eyes to stop the letting the light in. He feels like he’s burning up. Like he’s swallowed the sun. For a second he thinks he would’ve preferred just decomposing; that death was the ultimate end just like what his old high school teacher had told him back in science class. But then, before Ben starts to try and remember whatever his old high school teacher had tried to teach him about the circle of life and ecosystems he hears his fathers voice again. It's not really important what the voice is saying, probably just commenting on something stupid like his ruffled hair - but it's enough to make Ben decide that he will take this before anything else. It felt crazy to think that back on Earth had Ben only seen death as a powerful darkness that only existed to _take_ things from him. Take take friends, family, even his own father - only to now give it all back. He'd gotten his father _back_.

 

Ben opens his eyes and marvels at how the light plays on his fathers face, casting small shadows of creases and smiling dimples.

 

“You haven’t asked a single question yet,” the old Kenobi grins next to him, squeezing his shoulder. “That’s impressive, let me tell you.”

 

Anakin is the first to faceplant into his palm while cringing out a small, " _Did you really have to?_ " Then a collective sigh shoots out through the whole family and the next second Ben explodes with questions

 

  

* * *

 

 

Elsewhere is bigger than Ben expected. Has to be, suppose. After all, a lot of people die every day.

 

Han had asked more than five times over the burnt and slightly messy breakfast if Ben needed a ride back from the Registry once Ben was done with his introduction and meeting with his acclimation counsellor – all to which Ben had answered no every time. He did, however, ask in a very small voice if Han come back home after work, feeling a strange Déjà vu, which Han had promised, _of course, wouldn’t miss it for the world son._

 

“How about dinner?”

 

“Still can’t cook, unfortunately. Not even in the afterlife,” Han scoffed. “But there’s loads of diners and restaurants. How about we go to Maz? They have all kinds of stuff.”

 

He proceeds to point out the small bistro with the white neon sign on the drive to the Registry, making sure to slow down below the speed limit so that Ben can catch the sign. There's potted monstera plants soaking in the morning sun and there's small outside-dining tables outfitted with blankets and from the little details Ben can catch from the moving car there's a jukebox right by the entrance. It's just like one of those diners Ben and his father used to camp out at after hours of road trips.

 

"So I'll see you at Maz tonight then. Good luck today, son."

 

Ben waves a lazy goodbye before Han drives away.

 

The introduction video the Registry offered didn’t live up to his expectations. Not the slightest, so once he got to his counsellor Rose Tico he didn’t give her as much as a second to help him find him a fitting avocation, instead choosing to bombard her with unanswered questions.

 

He was halfway through the logistics of the boats when he paused.

 

“How long have you been around here? At Elsewhere, I mean,” he glanced at the girl sitting on the other side of the desk.

 

She’s short, but her chin is raised from confidence like she might as well be the same heigh as Ben himself. Her dark hair was not quite long enough to stay in the bun she’d tied, loose strands draping against her temples and cheeks and the bangs were lopsided and uneven. It made Ben wonder if she had let a 5-year-old cut it for her, only remembering how Poe had let his little brother do that one time. Either way, form what Ben had so far managed to take note of about Rose Tico was that she was young, and that didn’t exactly feel right. It felt wrong that this teenager supposedly held more knowledge then him. DIdn't seem legit.

 

“I mean… You might not… It's... Just that you _look_ like a teenager and--”

 

And it was _weird_. Weird getting answers from a kid.

 

“I died at 105,” she told him, pushing a palm to her rosy cheek. “I’ve been here for 83 years, so I promise you I know this place pretty well by now. Like the back of my hand.”

 

Ben shrunk back in his seat. “Oh.”

 

Rose doesn’t seem as bothered by the misjudgement of character. She'd probably been through it before. So instead of letting it continue any further she does the mature thing and kindly tries to steer the conversation back to the question of his avocation, suggesting maybe he could join his father on one of the fishing boats.

 

“I remember hearing about Han getting into fishing,” she raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you could go join him? Spending some time with him?”

 

Ben almost smiles when he thinks of how his father had maybe chosen the one job where it would be nearly impossible to wear a leather jacket to work every day.

 

Then he thinks of how he usually felt whenever he was on a boat for more than a few hours, so he shakes eventually his head while trying to think of a new, better option. He knew what he was good at… at least what he had been good at back at Earth. But suppose this was a chance for a new thing. Letting go of the past was tempting for Ben. Really. For once, he could to do something different. Something where he wouldn't have to rip himself half to shreds only to piece himself back together every night. Because even though he knew how to do that and how to be that kind of person he needed something  _different_. Maybe something more at peace, less-paced. Somewhere where he could stay stationed; for once not having to worry about being on the constant move and the constant fight or flight.

 

With his eyes glued to his sneakers, Ben eventually admits that he’d always wanted to be a doctor when he was little, and his counsellor nods solemly.

 

“A cool profession, but unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, we don’t need those here. Time and rest are the only healers."

 

Ben scoffs.

 

"What?"

 

"No just... that quote. Time heals all wounds - it's actually real for once."

 

"Depends on your perspective," Rose nods. "The scar on your face will probably be gone next week… One of the many benefits of living in a reverse-aging culture."

 

"Cool."

 

"You might not be able to become a doctor here, but we  _do_ have nurses for animals and humans both, and of course our share of psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists, and other mental health professionals. Even when the body is well, you still find that the mind … well, the mind has a mind of its own,” she goes on.

 

“I’m not sure if I could do that though.. I’m not good at answers.”

 

“Sometimes people just need someone who’ll listen,” she counters.

 

Ben doesn’t remember a single time where someone had willingly sat down and poured out their problems to him, or even sought him out to talk. He wasn’t really a good listener. Or at least he didn’t think so. He’d never really been put in that role.

 

He doesn’t know what to say and for the first time since he’d entered Rose Tico’s office there was silence.

 

Rose takes the chance to glance up at the clock hanging over her office door. Whatever it reads makes her rise from her seat, stretching her arms over her head.

 

“Time to get you something from the vending machine I think,” she states. “People at the Department of Last Words are usually not that good at hospitality, even if your Last Words turn out to be horrible. I remember one man had the nightmare of getting _Potato, potahto_. Or this other lady who choked out _You can't teach a horse to read braille_. Can you imagine?” she chuckles, eyes squinting. “Anyway, the people working in that department are not so understanding. Very robotic if you ask me.”

 

Although the horrible examples did make his lip pull into a smirk, it soon enough dropped once he compared to his own last words.

 

“I already remember my last words… do I still need to go?”

 

“Suck it up, buddy. It’s protocol. Though I’ve noticed that chocolate usually helps soften the blow. Come on, let’s go.”

 

Wordlessly they make a beeline down the corridor and Rose starts pressing buttons on the machine. When nothing happens, Rose rolls her eyes and slams her hand over a small dent to the side of the machine and surely enough something springs to life. Soon enough she hands him a small bar of chocolate.

 

“Thanks,” he mumbled before pocketing the candy.

 

“No problem,” she shrugged her shoulders. “Good luck with your Last Words, Ben.” She gives him a light pat on his arm, probably because she can’t quite reach his shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure out your avocation next time you visit. I’ll get you an apartment in the meantime.”

 

The Department of Last Words looks very much like a library; rows and rows of archives, dark mahogany cases and grey marble floor and green and golden lamps scattered around on various desks. There's no stupid slogan offered and the lounge doesn't really exist. Instead, the moment he walks inside, someone grabs onto him and pulls him to one of the unoccupied desks. For a moment, Ben feels like he should've picked maybe something more formal, like a tie or something. The stupid t-shirt he's wearing isn't exactly fitted to the surroundings, and compared to the lady sitting across from him, who's more than well-dressed, he looks like a stain on a painting.

 

"Mr Solo," she nods. "Let's get started."

 

The people who greet Ben are not as bad as he’d thought they would be. They are short and precise, incredibly formal and structured. They tell him it will take about two minutes to get him set up and he’s offered a farewell after one and a half. He’s used to these kinds of people. People of logic and no bullshit (for lack of a better word.) No lies or silly smiles to cover up what was really happening. These were his last imprint on Earth.

 

The lady had repeated his last words to him, asking if they were in fact correct, (which they were,) but Ben shook his head anyway. Maybe he could get away with adding a few words.

 

“You’re telling me these are not your Last Words?”

 

“No, I mean… _yes_ , but there was more,” he mumbled, glancing down at the paper the girl was holding. “You have to add that there's…”

 

“No adding, Mr Solo. That’s it.”

 

Ben shuts up after that and signs the stupid paper.

 

Once Ben leaves the Department of Last Words and the Registry’s building he doesn’t look up from his sneakers for a very very long time. He just starts walking; too stuck in his own head, trying to sort through all the things the instruction guides and his councillor told him. He thinks about the absurd fact that he is dead. Stone cold dead, transported to some island to do what exactly?

 

But maybe most of all he thinks about his Last Words.

 

_I’m sorry, I’m so sorry._

 

They could’ve been so much better.

_I’m sorry, I’m so sorry_ , stays on repeat, echoing for every step he takes, carrying him forward word by word. He decides that they weren’t enough. He decides that he could’ve said more. So much more.

 

In all honestly, it all sums up to the need of _more_ _time_. He wanted more time to form more words. More conversations with his mother. More time. More time to make up for all the things he’d done. More time to take care of the people who had taken care of him, more time to joke with Poe and the gang, more time to hold his mother, or maybe it was the other way around. He wanted more time back home.

 

 _Home_.

 

It’s a place he hadn’t visited for a very long time.

 

He feels like he wants to go home, but he’s not sure what that really means anymore.

 

When he was little, home meant the backseat of his dad’s van, or sleeping in one of Leia’s chairs while she talked to boring, important people. Or it was eating in the mess hall with Poe and Jessika. Here at Elsewhere, the only real thing that had gotten close to feeling like home was his father’s tight embrace. But Ben wasn’t that kind of person, sentimental and bright enough to state that home equals family. It couldn’t be that abstract.

 

For the first time since he’s started walking, Ben’s focus dimmers enough to take note of the sounds spiralling around him. He hears birds, cars, someone’s bicycle bell, mumbling conversations, and once he looks up he knows he’s lost.

 

“Fuck.”

 

He’s standing in the middle of some kind of suburb, the place reminding him of the time when he learned to drive. There were rows of houses, the sky is closing to something dark enough for stars, and about five houses down a man is walking with a steady pace around his front lawn with one of those hand held cylinder mowers. Someone has started up a barbeque somewhere, fire and summer hanging in the air. Except for the lawnmower and the low humming of a passing car, there’s the sound of waves from the ocean.

 

Ben tries to source out the ocean, maybe for a second expecting to catch a glimpse of a boat.

 

“You lost, sweetie?”

 

The question makes Ben jump and as he turns around, he’s already prepared himself for a fight with his big hands clenched into fists and eyes wide... Only to realize that his opponent turns out to be an old man with kind, non-threatening eyes. Ben’s arms and fist drop to his sides in shame, mumbling out a quick apology.

 

“New people usually get lost, don’t worry about it,” the man shakes his cane, acting as if Ben was apologizing for being lost, rather than the fact that he had been a second away from throwing a punch. “If you’re headed for the lighthouse you’re not that far away. You just need to go past Earl who's mowing the grass, go left by the house with the yellow roses and then it’s up on the hill by the water.”

 

Ben blinks. A lighthouse.

 

It had been explained in the introduction video back at the Registry how you could visit one of the lighthouses for binoculars. At first he didn't see any reason to. Last time he’d used binoculars back at the boat he’d watched his own funeral, watched people saying goodbye, making promises, unloading him of debts he’d made.

 

“Oh. I uh…”

 

Ben felt how his heart was starting to swell, but not in a good way. In a way that it hurt. Because he could see his mother again. He could watch Chewie again and… Home. He could, in some sense, go _home_ again. He was filled with so much longing that it hurt. He wanted to thank the old man and run, sprint all the way up to the lighthouse, but something was stopping him. Something made it impossible for Ben to move, let alone say anything.

 

How would things be without him, now that he didn’t belong there anymore?

 

Ben felt lonely again.

 

The man, who had clearly _not_ been facing the direction of the lawnmower and the yellow roses and the sea and the lighthouse turns to stand next to Ben. “I was on my way up. We could go there together?” the man offers, and Ben feels himself blushing as he nods at the rescue.

 

When they reach the lighthouse, the old man moves to shake Ben’s hand, pressing a scramble of small silver coins into his palm. “This should do,” the man smiles, and Ben opens his mouth to hurry out promises of paying him back. “No, it’s on me. I just hope you’ll find peace here, friend.”

 

Ben squeezed the coins in his sweaty palm. "You're not coming?"

 

"Those stairs are a nightmare." A wobbly cane is pointed to the lighthouse. "Pretty sure they cancel out half of the population by installing those stupid stairs. Barely anyone can climb them... Go on now, boy."

 

“Thank you,” Ben mumbled.

 

The old man was right about the stairs. The stairs really shouldn't be considered just that, _stairs_ , more reminding of a narrow strip of mountain climbing than anything. Each step were high and uneven, like something built from a three-year-old playing with clay, and surprisingly it actually took some great effort to scale despite Ben's advantage of long legs and hungry anticipation. Nevertheless he makes it to the top floor and his legs carrying him forward before he slumps into one of the chairs. Binoculars #3.

 

The coins gives him an hour, and he spends the entire hour with his mother. Sometimes he closes his eyes just to listen to her voice whenever she spoke, but most of the time he keeps his blinking to a minimum as he watches his mother doing the most mundane things; brushing her hair, changing the sheets, talking on the phone, making coffee... he stays with her and he's so close to her yet he longs. He longs to be there with her and he smiles and he cries and he feels a _weight_.

 

When the hour is up, Ben stays seated for an extra empty 10 minutes, even if the binoculars are black and the world seems so far away. He stays seated because he still feels the weight and his mother – he wants to stay for as long as he can because he don’t want to forget and he's afraid that if he leaves he'll forget about that small tune he'd listened to her hum just a few minutes ago. But he can't stay forever. His feet and his back are aching and his head hurts and he wants to see his father, suddenly missing him even more than this morning after Han had dropped him off at the Registry. His father would know what to do, what to do with the _weight_ , and so, Ben rises.

 

On his way out he asks the lady at the front desk of the directions back to the city. She tells him that it's best to take the bus, but considering he doesn’t have any coins left, he’s opted out. Instead, he just follows the road by using the bus stations as marks until he finally reaches the heart of the city again.

 

Now what?

 

He could go to the docks, but the chances of finding Han there were close to none.

 

Suppose the best option would be to just go and wait for his father at the diner that had been pointed out that morning. He would be about 40 minutes early, but it was a guaranteed meeting point. Only problem now was to find it. He had been given an introduction map on his first day at Elsewhere, but the map had already been long lost somewhere in-between the Registry and the lighthouse. With lack of a better option, Ben finds himself wandering, mindlessly scanning for the bistro Han had pointed out with the white neon sign of a bird and some stupid slogan of finding inner peace.

 

The sun turns red, slowly starting it's decent. It envelops the entire sky, dominates it. It makes the monuments of this city, any city every city, seem small and insignificant. It makes Ben feel small. Makes him forget the past, dismiss the future. Makes his worries and problems disappear, feels like nothing nothing nothing.

 

Through his wandering he manages to backtrack all the way back to the Registry. He gets there just in time to see a girl stumble out of the tall building; her arms moving quickly to wrap themselves over her chest at the cold breeze. Considering she's the first person Ben had met since he first started walking, she makes him stop. There's some form of balance of something tiny and strong - skinny arms but strong muscles. There's a braided crown of hair, much like how his own mother used to wear it, halfway undone, a chestnut waterfall flowing down her neck.

 

Narrowing his eyes, he watches as a stressed expression play on the shadows of her face, mainly her eyebrows. She takes one glance back at the clock hanging over the Registry building, hissing something under her breath before her head tilts back even further, looking high up, up, up. Almost as if to check if it was really as late as the clock had displayed. Curiously, Ben follows her gaze into the dark blue sky, nearly all black now.

 

Stars.

 

Millions of them.

 

“You think they’re the same?” he speaks the question before he could stop himself.

 

The girl is close enough to hear him, and seeing it as there is no one else around, she assumes the question belongs to her.

 

“What?” she asks as she unwraps her folded arms.

 

He should've asked her for the directions to the bistro, or at least something more normal, but now that he's already half-way there he stumbles out the rest. “I… I mean… the stars. If the stars we’re watching are the same as they glance up to back on Earth. Do you think they're the same?”

 

Normally he wouldn't be asking strangers for answers. He considered himself to be fairly educated and well-informed in the general logistics of the world, but he hadn't quite caught up with Elsewhere knowledge yet. So here he was, for once asking for answers from a stranger. She was younger than him by a few years, but Ben has learned today that that doesn’t really have any value here in Elsewhere. Rose Tico nearly looked like a teenager and she was probably the oldest soul he’d ever met. Judging someone based on first impressions was something that was going to be a hard habit to rub out, but at least he was trying.

 

“I’d like to think so,” the girl speaks, only this time the voice isn’t as stiff anymore. Her eyes, however, are still guarded, not quite decided yet on whether he is a threat or not. "It usually helps people's grieving to feel connected," she went on, although it didn't sound like she was talking from personal experiences. Ben had to stop himself from leaning closer in search of the smallest of hints that maybe she was. He couldn't find any traces that she was talking about herself though. Maybe she was just like Rose. Maybe she was one of those wise old souls who'd learn to accept and forgive and let the past go.

 

Her lips move but Ben can't hear the first part, somehow lost.

 

“...then again, barely anything is making any sense around here. I just yesterday learned that there's a postoffice.”

 

“So you're new too?”

 

She doesn’t answer him. “I don't think anyone can spend enough time here to not feel lost anymore.”

 

Ben starts to think of Rose Tico. "My counsellor has been here for nearly a centurary."

 

"You're brand new then?" she nods towards him, although it doesn't sound as accusing as it should have considering her emphasis. She takes a step closer to him and both of them go still. There’s a small pause, and she gives him time to back away, but when he doesn’t, she takes another one. After a stinging pull on her lips and narrowed eyes, she eventually adds a soft; “Are you alone?”

 

“No,” he shakes his head. He was with his father now. He was surrounded by family. He was okay. "I'm with family," he adds.

 

For the first time, she smiles.

 

It's bright.

 

“That's good.” Then, with a quick wave of her hand over her shoulder, she points off towards something. “Well uh, I need to get going. I’m running late.”

 

"Oh, okay, yeah, sure."

 

Ben follows her like a lost puppy, follows her all the way down the street where she’s meeting up with someone. She doesn't wait for him. Even if she must've felt his shadow right next to hers she doesn’t look back, nor does she tell him to fuck off. Which is good. She just keeps her pace fast, which really isn’t a problem because Ben’s tall and awkward legs only has to take one stride to match her quick three. While they walk, Ben paints out different scenarios of who she's meeting. Had to be someone important considering her speed.

 

The world, or Elsewhere rather, works in strange ways. Because somehow, the girl leads him straight to the white neon sign of a bird. She pretty much slams the door open to it's breaking point and she doesn’t wait for him to follow her inside. The door almost crash straight against his nose, but Ben slips in right after her, watching her storm over to an empty table. He takes a quick scan of the room; his father nowhere to be seen so far and although Han didn't consider himself a time optimist, or any kind of optimist for that kind, he'd probably run late anyway. Call it the luck of the Solo's. Knowing this, Ben naturally moves to sit down right across from the the girl, smiling broadly at her like she'd just waved him over. Which she hadn't.

 

"I'm meeting a friend," the girl clarifies, eyesbrows knitted together while her hands clasp together on the table. She’s pulled out a breadbasket already. It is not at all appetizing, but she pulls it toward her anyway just for something to do with her hands. "Not sure if... uh..."

 

Ben grins. "A friend of yours is a friend of mine."

 

"We're not friends," she says flatly. She looked at him like she knew him already, through and through; that he was the kind of guy who got ideas, and that she was not going to give him any. They'd just met. “We don’t know each other.”

 

"Not yet."

 

He wants to. There's a sly grin playing on his lips, almost making it look like he knows something that she doesn't know but probably _should_ know. Which really isn’t the case, of course. It's just a trick he's used many many times before. Because he wants to know her. A name would probably be a good start.

 

"You're strange," she says.

 

There's the formal and most reasonable form of an introduction already hanging in the air, but it never settles into words. Before it can spring to life, Ben gets interrupted by a tumbling thought and a fixated gaze on her hands and the bread and then at how she's biting her lips, though it's not from concern, but rather something hesitant.

 

"I just.." She shrugs her shoulders dismissively, although it's not directed at him. "I thought thought you said you weren't alone. Figured I wasn't... I mean, most people spend time at Elsewhere with their family."

 

Just then a figure arrives in a whirl of black and white, beefy arms and a towering height. Even though he’s tall, he’s not as tall as Ben… (It's only later that she will admit that this small fact somehow actually really really annoys her.) Nevertheless, Ben adjusts in his seat to sit even taller, straightening his posture into something strong. The newcomer doesn't take note of Ben, however, quickly throwing his backpack down onto the table before slumping into the chair next to the girl, heaving a dramatic sigh.

 

“Finn,” the girl quips.

 

"You would not believe the day I've had," he says. "I need, like, a dozen cups of coffee right now."

 

The girl glances at Ben, with eyes that look almost diplomatic. Ben can’t focus too long on the girl, however, staring at the new company with a look of wonder. The guy, Finn, continues to speak as if he hasn't noticed Ben, which both the girl and Ben knows is, of course, all an act. Probably can tell how uncomfortable the girl is with this whole situation just from one glance at her.

 

"I was late to the museum this morning because Grams accidentally almost _almost_ burned down the entire kitchen when she tried to make that banana bread you told her about, and then once I left of course my bike broke down." Finn pauses momentarily, but it's not enough time for her to answer. "You could fix it, couldn’t you? Anyway, then once I got to the gallery and someone had _accidentally_ tipped over one of the sculptures in the main room and get this; it almost landed on top of the piano, which would've been murder.. So I had to spend the entire day cleaning that fiasco up."

 

Ben smiles, and Finn pauses in his story and turns to stare at him.

 

"And who are you?" he demands, as he demands most things. He turns to the girl. “What's going on, Rey?”

 

 _Rey_.

 

Even though Ben feels slightly odd in the spotlight, he can't help but to smile. The girl, _Rey_ , is watching curiously from the other side of the table. She's even stopped playing with the breadbasket.

 

"I'm Ben. Rey's friend."

 

"We're not friends," the girl, Rey, Rey, _Rey_ , says, just so she can say that she did later.

 

Which she will. Loudly and often.

 

_We're not friends._

 

(And, on one occasion, many many months later, she will whisper the words into the skin of his collarbone as she turns into a person made solely of gooseflesh and a beating heart and laments. Just for the briefest of seconds, she'll say the words, astonished that there was once a time where Ben Solo wasn't the most important thing in her world.)

 

“Where’s our tough guy?” Rey asks, because apparently that’s something Finn should know about, even though the sentence itself makes no sense to Ben’s ears. Finn doesn’t seem as confused though, offering Rey a reassuring bump with his shoulder to her arm.

 

“He’s just outside saying hello to some dog,” he calmed her. “He told me to order a milkshake though… speaking of, is this non-friend of yours crashing our dinner?” Finn raised an eyebrow back at Ben, who turned to lean back into his seat, gulping.

 

“I uh…”

 

Ben looked at Rey as he stumbled with his words, but when the brain short-circuited and stopped forming any words at all, not even as much as a uhh, Ben found it that maybe this was the best time to leave. Even if it was just leaving the table. His father would be showing up soon enough… hopefully. He glances towards the door when the doorbell rings. Good thing he did, because he doesn't get very much time to brace himself what's about to come. In fact, all he gets is a short, minimal gasp of air all before---

 

“BEN!”

 

Ben stands just in time to see a small whirlwind of orange crash against his legs.

 

"BB?" he whispers, his voice half filled with wonder, half legitimately worried.

 

“It _is_ you!” the small voice gasps, and Ben sways at the impact. Then his reflex kick in, basic instinct and muscle memory; thousands upon thousands memories crashing back. The second he regain his balance he picks up BB under his arms, swaying him around in circles high high up. Arms stretch out like a T as Ben let's BB fly. Laughter fills the room and things were like they always used to be.

 

(How things were _supposed_ to be.)

 

It's an overwhelming thing being reunited with BB again, and when he feels his grip loosening on BB, Ben realizes it much be even more crushing for the kid than it was for him. Too many feelings for such a tiny kid. The spinning comes to a stop, and once BB's euphoric laughter dies down it's like a switch has been flipped. The little boy's dizzy head is invaded by a tornado of thoughts and emotions and he barely get's a chance to catch his breath.

 

" _Ben_ ," BB cries out, like it's something holy and golden.

 

Kneeling in front of the boy, the messy head of bronze gets tucked into Ben chest just in time as words start to seep out.

 

“...so… m-mad… _Poe_... you… s-stupid… _happy_... felt... s-so l-l-lonely... and Poe...” the small boy grumbled into Ben, though many words get lost, and Ben can just barely make out the words “I missed you so much.”

 

Ben's voice is raw and filled with worry as he breathes out the boys name, not as much as a question like he was planning. Worry swept out into something stronger. Before he can make sense of it all, Ben starts repeating the soothing words his own father had used on him back at the docks.

 

“It’s okay, kid. We’re okay.” But the trembling boy can’t stop shaking, can’t stop muttering out soaked words of upset. "I'm here."

 

That strikes a chord, becuase BB sobers up and leans back slightly, eyes narrowing at the tall tower kneeling in front of him.

 

“What are you _doing_ here?” BB gasps out. "How are you-- how did you--"

 

Feeling his arms start to move, Ben moves to crouch down to actually pick up the small boy, only this time there's no spinning. This time he holds him close, their noses just barely touching. This time, when BB isn’t a flash of excited speed and force pushing into him, Ben can make out the details of his face. Freckles from the sun, same chubby cheeks, same bird nest of hair. The eyes are deep brown, same as Poe's.

 

"I missed you too, buddy," Ben smiles. "Very much."

 

"You always do," BB breathes, only to smile when Ben rolls his eyes dramatically. The smile is the same, too. It’s all the same, maybe younger, but same. "It was only a matter of time before one of you showed up. You guys always freak out when I go on solo-expeditions."

 

Ben doesn't really think of it that way, doesn't he doesn't let the smile fade. Instead he leans his forehead against the boy, taking in the warmth. “Hey you, I found you alright.” Ben grins, and BB throws his arms around Ben’s neck.

 

“ _Ben_.”

 

Ben swallows down something cold building up at the back of his head. Something about injustice, something about how a kid like BB really shouldn’t be in a place like this. If anything Ben had went through today, everything he’d longed for; _more time_ , he’d give it all to BB if he could. Because BB shouldn’t be dead. Kids wasn’t supposed to go so young. Especially kids like BB.

  

Somewhere in the distance, the a bell goes off, but BB takes up all of Ben's world right now. All focus on the little boy. He didn’t know how to put his sadness into words, sorry wasn’t enough, so Ben went the other way, like he usually did with BB. He pulled a stupid grimace, pinching his face together, daring the boy to do the same.

 

“What have you been up to then? You’re still being good, I hope?"

 

"Depends."

 

"Not too many pranks around here?”

 

“Just on the edge of of turning everyone crazy,” BB smirks, and Ben isn’t surprised how the little guy pulls so much charm into silly words. He’s learned from his older brother, and Poe was a master. And if Poe was the master of talking himself _out_ of situation, Ben was a master at getting himself _into_ situations. Which BB did tend do quite often; the little boy just as much as a little brother to Ben as Poe. “Last night I mixed up salt into Rey’s tea.”

 

"You apologized?"

 

"Of course I did," BB nodded. “Now that you're here though we’ll have to team up,” he continues, not even noticing how Rey had just passed him in an escape outside. There's just Ben now.  “Just you and me. The real dream team.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **if anyone is out there reading this, please leave a kudos or comment to show any sign of life i feel so lonely**


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories and a walking disaster.

 

Rey had lived her entire life watching things fall apart. Scraps and parts she'd scavenged, the buildings in Jakku, the cars, engines. And most of the time she'd been able to fix it. But Rey didn't know how to fix people. She didn't know how to fix this.

 

This is how she loses him. Too quickly, too foolishly.

 

Not even as much 12 hours ago everything had been fine.

 

Rey had woken up that morning foolish enough to think that things were okay; that the day was going to be good to. Which it had been - all up until now, standing under the white neon sign outside of the bistro, hazel eyes staring out onto the empty street with her thoughts unfocused and somewhere far away.

 

There’d been a food fight over breakfast. Or, as BB later had recalled during the lunch break to his colleagues: an _epic_ food fight for power and glory filled with battle cries and bagel grenades and with one last standing survivor. Rey doesn’t exactly remember the scene of defeat or surrender the little boy eagerly painted as he retold the story of his ultimate victory… some hero standing over the battle ground (read: kitchen) while the morning sun had casted a cape in his shadow.

 

Rey didn’t remember it like that.

 

She mostly just remembers falling down to the floor in bursts of laughter to the point of tears, too overwhelmed with happiness to continue chugging food over her shoulder. She does remember BB standing above her, peaking down at her with a mischievous grin as he told her to yield. BB hadn’t been able to stop laughing – clutching at his chest before flopping down next to her on the floor. “ _It’s so strong. It’s like a drum!”_ he’d gasped between his light laughter; hand over his heart like he was about to sing a national anthem.

 

It had taken them a while to let the fits of giggles cool down, and once they could breathe again, Rey collected herself enough to make sure BB had the last piece of eatable food not tainted by their messy showering attack of breakfast. She had found at least two bagels that were considered eatable, and she’d managed to fix him some tea as well. Once he’d practically _inhaled_ the breakfast he quickly made them rush out the door, down to street level to jump on the bus, Rey waving him off. He was very stubborn, however, making sure not to jump onto the bus until he made her promise to stop by at the Aquarium for lunch. (With the small note to please, pretty please bring him a sandwich or two.)

 

She promised him she would.

 

Rey had spent the rest of the morning cleaning up the kitchen, filling the air with soap and Lysol.

 

There were fruit loops and lucky charms and milk everywhere. She kept finding tiny crumbles of toast and splotches of orange juice on the most hidden places. Like a Jackson Pollock work of art made from puddles and messy fingerprints. She took a few minutes to admire the crime scene, memorizing it before went to work to start to erase the mess.

 

The boiling smell of sharp detergents started to cling to her t-shirt after the first hour, and would continue to stay with her for the rest of the day. Rey could only assume that the acid smell would stick and sink into the wallpapers just as easily, into the furniture and eventually into her _head_ , almost to the point where she felt like she’d either pass out or burst out laughing again. Still, she had kept scrubbing the white circles on the floor, smiling as the clues of the memory starts to lift under her towel. It had almost been tempting to leave it, but it really wouldn’t do any good letting the kitchen smell like sour milk for the rest of eternity.

 

Humming at the memory thoughts wandered in trying to figure out how on earth BB had managed to somehow break all laws of physics and somehow curve a fist of soggy cereal to hit her straight on top of her head even when she was camping out a great cover behind the fridge. Suppose she could ask him at lunch, of course, but the answer would probably be the same as it always was.

 

_Poe. Oh, it was Poe. Poe knows everything. Poe is the best. Poe taught me._

 

Somewhere in-between the flickering images, Rey’s hands had slowed down the scrubbing - suddenly stuck on how it had all began. She couldn’t remember the reason why the food fight had started in the first place, not the specifics anyway, but BB had been on the verge of sleepy, angry tears commenting he hated her waking up routine. She’d apologized fairly quickly, but that hadn’t been enough and once his stormy feelings spread out to his little hand he accidentally put too much pressure on his spoon and _BAM_! --- suddenly it wasn’t a spoon anymore but rather a cereal catapult.

 

Once Rey was done with the kitchen and it was clean again she’d forced herself out of the flat.

 

She bought three sandwiches on the small café edging on the street corner before jumping on the bus to the Aquarium, just barely making it in time to see BB waiting for her at the entrance.

 

She almost overstays her visit over lunch, but BB taps his feet impatiently, chubby finger pointing up to a clock.

 

“You’ll get late to Mr Kenobi again,” he groaned, ruining the moment. He then went on poking and pestering Rey until she finally left him.

 

Being her forth time visiting the Registry the corridors don’t feel as much as a labyrinth anymore. She easily makes her way down wide corridors lined with Nasmyth and Cole paintings, the Düsseldorf School, mists and trees and small boats and distant humans; pushing all the way through to the door to the Office of Acclimation. She must’ve passed at least a dozen people on her way, but it’s only in the lobby that she’s stopped.

 

Ms. Bailey was standing in front of her, suddenly acting like a brick wall to stop her from passing by. It was almost surprising at how strong the stern lady was.

 

Thin lips spoke through a sour expression, “You have _cereal_ in your hair.”

 

For once, even if it was only for a fleeting second, Rey appreciated the lady’s comment. Mind you, she’d spent the entire bus trip to the Aquarium, the entire lunch, like this, and yet Ms. Bailey was the first one to care enough to say something. Not even little BB had pointed out the cereal hairdo, and he was usually good at pointing things out to Rey. Already blushing, a hand instantly shoot up to brush her hair, which only made Ms. Bailey look even more disgusted glaring down at the cereal that was now decorating the grey marble floor.

 

“I can't even begin to imagine what you did this time-” the lady muttered.

 

Ms. Baily most certainly wouldn’t approve if Rey would explain the food fight, or literally any scenario that put Rey responsible for something, so Rey didn’t say anything. Instead she sneaked around the lady’s crossed arms, just barely reaching Kenobi’s office door when hearing the muttering words behind her.

 

Just this morning everything had been fine.

 

Better then fine – Rey had been happy. And now suddenly none of that mattered anymore because it was probably never going to happen again. It’d been spelled out just seconds ago in an embrace she’d never get to compete with.

 

A tired and already defeated sigh falls from her lips and she pulls her arms around herself. She’d have to get back in there eventually before they noticed anything. But she still had time. Probably at least another 10 minutes. So she didn’t move. Not yet. She wasn’t ready just yet. Her heart is hammering, she's nauseous, dizzy. She puts her head in her hands, close her eyes, take deep breaths. This shouldn't be happening. She was not ready. She wanted to go back in there. She wanted to be with BB. She wanted to be alone. She is safe and alone and she can't hurt alone. Her heart is hammering. The scene inside is hurting her. BB is hurting her because he's close enough to reach.

  

It’s Han who finds her.

 

He finds her crouched up outside of Maz’ bistro, the white neon sign humming somewhere above while casting a cold light onto her cheekbones. Her jaw is set tight, almost as if it’s a safety procedure - locking words from tumbling out. He makes it close enough to see her forcing a smile. It’s not enough.

 

Rey glances up. “Han?”

 

“Come on, get up,” he mutters, arm reached out and an unexpectedly powerful grip helped Rey to her feet. “What happened?”

 

“Just needed some air.”

 

He doesn’t buy it, of course. He’d played enough games to see through the most practiced lies, skilled enough to pick up the slightest of details. A matter of tempo, he’d suppose. The small pause between her words as she tried to think of a reasonable excuse. He had to give it to her though; the kid was a good liar, just not good enough. Not nearly as good as he was anyway.

 

“You can talk to me, kid.”

 

“I felt dizzy that’s all.”

 

“Okay, well, let’s go inside, no use in staying out here feeling dizzy. Besides, I’m a few minutes late already and I’m really trying not to let people down more than I need to.” Han glances around the small space, debating something. “I mean, hopefully he’s already in there, or I might need your help for a search party in case he got lost.”

 

“What? … are you on a date?”

 

“Ha!” Han’s back bends as he scoffs. “No, no! _No_.”

 

Rey gulps down whatever words she’d wished she would be brave enough to say, just about to turn back to the bistro when the door already sways open as if by magic itself, a flood of warm air pushing against her arms though it doesn’t stay very long. Something catches at the back of her throat once she sees who’s standing in the door.

 

“Dad? You’re not gonna believe this!” Ben points at this – _this_ being BB – the small boy poking out from behind his tall frame, and Rey thinks back at this morning, remembering how it had been one of the best moments with BB so far, and how it was nowhere near as bright as now with the smile twice as big. BB was _shining_ from smiling.

 

Then she retracts to the words just spoken.

 

 _Dad?_ Rey blinks at the word. As in…?

 

“You gotta be kidding me -- what are the odds,” Han breathes, more to himself than anyone before his shocked face breaks into joy, eyes on BB. “You crazy little goofball— _hey_! Where do you think you’re going?” he howls before he rushes inside to hug BB who’s already laughing even louder than before. Han makes a great impression of a ghoul, or maybe someone from that classic Thriller music video as he runs after the boy. Once the door closes behind the man the laughter goes mute and Rey hates herself because it feels like a relief.

 

Warm, brown eyes search her face. “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m good,” Rey nods. “Just had to breathe.”

 

“So… uh… you’re the one who’s been taking care of BB…”

 

Maybe it was stupid to smile considering the circumstances, but she did.

 

"I’m Rey."

 

"I’m Ben," he says, trying to gulp down some of his nerves, trying to ignore the forest fire in his chest. He was supposed to ask a casual question, something to smooth it all over, but the end result wasn’t exactly what he had been hoping to go for. It sort of just slipped out.

 

"So.. how did you die?"

 

She scoffs, because that’s a taboo thing to ask in Elsewhere. She’d made the mistake of learning that on her third day since the SS _Nile_ had docked and sent her on her way. Then, after some thought, she shrugs her shoulders like it was no big deal… Some weird form of nonchalance regarding the heavy subject of death.

 

“Got hit in the head by a coconut,” she grins. “How about you?”

 

He blinks, a seconds hesitation if she’s being sincere or not, but it doesn’t take him very long to pull back.

 

“I picked a fight with a grizzly bear and lost,” Ben brushed it off just as easily. “It was close though, I nearly won. You should’ve seen it.”

 

“No, I bet mine was more brutal. Coconuts make better sound effects.”

 

It looks like he’s just about to object, maybe just about to demonstrate a bear roar, but there’s a knock on the glass next to them. It stops them from saying anything else and much like fish in an aquarium both Rey and Ben turn around to see BB tapping the glass from inside the bistro. Once he gets their attention he impatiently waves at them to get inside.

 

There’s a heavy exhale, “Ready?” Ben asks her. “I uh.. If you need another minute I mean.”

 

Rey opens the door for him, guarding it patiently while she waits for him to move.

 

Once they get inside and reach the table, Rey’s quick to notice two things. First things first there are not one but _three_ milkshakes on the table. BB has his hands wrapped around two, one vanilla twist strawberry with a cherry on top and one chocolate with a spiralling whipped cream and sprinkle's, both yellow-striped straws of the mixed flavours pulled into one. Second thing Rey notices is that the moment they reach the table, _despite_ his tiny size and Ben’s bearlike, BB instantly manages to pull the tall bear to sit next to him on their side of the booth. Once he’s trapped him, the small boy leans into Ben’s chest.

 

Once Ben has pulled BB onto his knees to sit in his lap, now easily leaning his head against the bronze mop of hair, he greets his father in a light hello. A perfectly content and lazy smile pulls on Ben’s lip before asking, “You okay or did BB tackle you to the ground as well?”

 

“It’s all fine, nothing I couldn’t handle,” Han assures, eyes quickly scanning over Rey as she slips down into the seat next to Finn again. “How are we doing so far?”

 

“Same as always,” Ben answers while his large hands carefully helps BB to reach his two milkshakes.

 

“That bad, huh?”

 

BB stops slurping for a second, making some kind of protest in form of a grumble, but he doesn’t take time or effort to actually form it into something audible. Then, after some thought and inner debate, BB puts it all into words.

 

“No. It’s perfect,” he smiles. “It’s like home again, like real home.”

 

Like back at Earth.

 

Ben shakes his head. “Nah, this is better.” He nods over towards the two desserts on the table. “I mean, considering that Poe wouldn’t let you have a milkshake before dinner. Definitely not two, buddy.”

 

“I don’t see why.”

 

“Because kids aren’t supposed to just eat sweet stuff. You’re already filled to the brim with it.”

 

"I'm not sweet!" BB boomed.

 

"That's- I meant that you're--"

 

“--You’re telling me it’s because of my age?” BB frowned, gulping down his milkshakes now in a rather anxious rush. Then after loading up with some confidence, he added with a fair, articulated and clear tone; “Age is a bourgeois construct.”

 

Han coughs on air, eyes suddenly wide. “Who taught you that word? Rey?”

 

“No, Poe.”

 

“I was just saying,” Ben went on, wrinkles forming in his forehead, “---you probably don’t need _two_.”

 

BB’s grip around the milkshake gets tighter, as if Ben might steal if from him any second now. “But Finn said I could have his!” he cries out and for the first time ever since they’d arrived there’s movement from the other side of the table. It’s Finn, carefully adjusting his collar as he shrugs, assuring everyone that BB still could have his ice cream.

 

“Really, I don't mind. I told him he could have mine,” Finn testifies, although he does now sound somewhat guilty about it.

 

Ben waves it off. “Ever heard of sharing, BB?”

 

BB retreats back to slurping the ice cream, no further defence or comments to his case.

 

“So-- you had BB right under your nose the whole time, huh?” Ben addresses his dad, glancing from their side of the table over towards Rey and Finn. “I mean… How do you guys know each other?”

 

“Suppose I should have been able to figure out who was riling up Rey all the time, but it’s not my fault these two are busy running around with secrets to tell me this basic stuff,” Han nods over to the blushing duo. Both of them are suddenly very concentrated with playing around with Rey’s melted milkshake, spoons clinking against the glass.

 

"It never came up," Rey mutteres.

 

“We took the same boat here,” Finn adds. ”He taught us to work the buffet.”

 

No one really gets the chance to say anything before a small woman appears at the side of the booth.

 

“Whole family gathered, I see,” Maz smiles as she approaches the table, handing each of them a menu. Ben and BB get to share theirs, heads bumping together as they try to read it. She leaves a carafe and lights a candle. “I’ll be back in a minute,” the short waitress nods before disappearing.

 

Rey seizes the opportunity to shield herself and hide behind the menu she’s been armoured with, although the isolation doesn’t help very much. Because even if she couldn’t see the duo sitting across from her anymore, she could still hear them.

 

“What are you having?''

 

''Shh, I'm thinking.''

 

"That's a first.. _ouch_! Ben!"

 

Rambunctious laughter makes Rey go still. There are giggles coming from across the table as Ben and BB starts pronouncing the whole list of option in a hasty French accent while Han tells the boys to calm down. They’re actually quite funny, and she can feel Finn chuckle next to her at their way of channelling the accent through every single syllable of _tarte flambée_ and _glace au four_ , but still, Rey can’t bring herself to look up.

 

That is until BB suddenly makes a painful noise from the back of his throat.

 

Although instant reflexes makes Rey look up, she's not quick enough to see what had upset the boy. When her eyes finally land on him he’s already pressed his freckled hands to his temples, eyes squeezed tight in pain. It looks like he’s just bit into something sour. Kind of like that time she'd accidentally bought grapefruits instead of oranges and made him eat all of them.

 

“What happened?” Strong arms wrap around the little kid as Ben starts to search for an answer, he too at a loss of what had made him cry out. When he doesn’t find anything, nor when BB stays quiet, he adds a concerned, “BB?”

 

“Brain… freeze…”

 

Rey visually deflates.

 

“It hurts, ouch _ouch_ , stupid ice cream –,” BB grits out from his clenched teeth, his palms pressing harder against his temples. Almost vibrating. “So _cold_ …”

 

The way Ben encircles BB into a hug makes Rey feel like she’s intruding, or at least overstepping in her reaction of nearly losing all breath for one single cry from the boy. It makes her pull up her menu again as she for the third time that evening tries to block them out.

 

It’s not very easy to do so, however. Not when it feels like the world is sinking, like her heart is betraying her and everything is about to end -- all over again. So when it’s time for Rey to order she barely even manages to read anything from the menu she just takes the first thing she can read.

 

“I’ll have the pomodoro panna cotta olives, please.”

 

BB makes a hissing sound. “Ewwwk,” he laughs, and for a moment in oblivion, Rey feels hurt because she doesn’t understand.

 

“I’m sorry, I uh…”

 

Finn coughs before lowering his voice slightly, “I think you just read the thing straight across. It goes in vertical columns, see?” He points at the menu she’s still half using as a shield. “Maybe try not to uh… combine desserts with mains and sides.”

 

She decides to go quiet after that, nodding silently as she lets Finn take over. She carefully leans back into her seat, solely focusing on how Finn easily makes everything flow back into its warming tone again. This time it calms her down and she felt a swell of pride for achieving it. It was a feeling she still wasn't used to. She usually never let it wrap itself around her this softly, a growling voice coming from the back of her head, growing there ever since early childhood telling her to always expect the worst. A worry stirred in at the bottom of her stomach, but her head was already swimming in a content cloud of safety to notice.

 

By the time Maz had left with their orders, BB had now climbed around in his seat to reach up to the two cheeks above, pulling and twisting grimaces while complaining how it wasn’t fair that Ben was so tall compared to him.

 

Han smirked at his son battling against the child. “BB’s right… I can’t wait until I get the chance to be taller than you. You’ll get all tiny again, kid.”

 

“Just barely,” Ben rolls his eyes.

 

The two Solo’s dived into a staring contest. They seemed to have a telepathic conversation; no real sign of conversing other than eyes squinting and lips twisting. Then, finally, the two nodded at each other in a synced up, simultaneous nod before they eventually turned back their focus to BB again. The little boy hadn't noticed the silent conversation, already in the middle of retelling the story of this mornings food fight to Finn. He kept gesticulating with his hands, swinging around in the space above and around him until Ben eventually had gotten enough of misfortunate slaps to his head that he simply just took BB’s hands and held them.

 

They’re just on the other side of the table but it still seems so far away from her. She could reach out and hold BB’s hand, just like she had that morning when she’d waited at the bus stop with him, but she doesn’t. Instead she’d watch Ben do it.

 

The conversation slips out of focus and the voices get muffled, just like they sometimes do in dreams.

 

Food starts to arrive, large platters of food with dishes Rey doesn't know the name of. There's laughter, laughter, laughter.

 

And even though Rey would’ve done _anything_ back at Earth to hear anything from Han Solo’s adventures back on earth she finds it that many of the words move past her without sinking in. There’s a story tied together with something about travelling from Iceland to Greenland and getting stuck during a storm, just Han, Chewie and Ben... something about how it wouldn’t stop raining and how they’d camped out for day and how that’s how Ben had gotten so good at poker that by the end of it he’d beaten all of them. Somewhere in-between all the stories she’s mentioned; her focus sharpening instantly at the mention of her name. It’s BB telling the story this time..

 

“…she has the _worsts_ jokes at the worst possible times… even worse than Poe." BB rolled his eyes, only to let his mouth fall open into a big yawn, sending shivers through his whole body. "Anyway, that's how Rey almost got fired from the Aquarium," he finished the story. The food coma is dawning on him, traces of grease and tomato stains on his shirt. It was fascinating to watch how the little boy went from a blurry figure of excitement and laughter to sleepy eyes and sluggish arms in just a matter of seconds.

 

Soon enough they’re all standing outside the bistro, waiting for Han to get back with his car.

 

BB looks so peaceful hiding into Ben’s chest, already snoring lightly, and Rey feels brave enough now that BB is asleep to take a step closer. She tries to pull out all the tiny details that takes up most of her heart, tries to memorise it before it gets taken away. The thought sparks darkness inside of her. A new idea and possibility she hadn’t even considered before.

 

“He’ll probably want to leave soon,” she mumbles.

 

BB would probably want to move in with Ben and Han soon.

 

“We’ll take care of it,” Ben assures.

 

“Yeah...”

 

“Here,” Ben whispers, even though they both know that BB sleep is heavy and close to indisputable. He starts to crouch down to her level and once his secure hands starts to loosen on the little boy Rey instantly starts to panic. Even though she’d carried BB before this feels wrong. Wrong now that she’d seen Ben do it so effortlessly.

 

“ _Wait_!”

 

She has already taken two steps back and away from the boys, to which Ben quickly brings BB back into his chest.

 

“Finn can take him--” she nods over to Finn, and poor guy yelps as BB soon lands into his arms. It looks ridiculous because on basic instinct Finn’s strong hands shoot out and lifts BB like he’s something that could potentially bite him, lifting the boy as far away as possible without his arms as much as quivering. Finn wasn’t good pampering kids. This was one of those moments when that showed.

 

No longer wrapped in warmth but rather held out like a young Simba, BB started to stir.

 

“Tired… ugh, what... Finn? No, let me _down_ ,” he sighs. Finn happily lets the kid land down on the steady ground. “I wanna go _home_.”

 

The words stick to Rey’s bones, and for a moment too long she starts to wonder what they will mean in a week from now. Maybe even sooner.

 

BB yawns again, and this time when he tilts his head back, he stays like that. Tired and bloodshot eyes blink up at the night sky and one small, lazy hand starts to rise to point to try and connect dots. Naturally, all three bystanders try to look up and trace the map, foggy eyes squinting into the night. There’s an echo in the back of Rey’s head tracking back to the tall boy with a lost but curious expression asking her about the stars outside the Registry. In the corner of her eye, the same tall boy kneels down next BB. He takes a moment, then carefully guides BB’s wrist to trace a constellation.

 

“Canis Major. Right there, see?”

 

“Are you making that one up?” BB mumbles sceptically, his arm going limp to his side the moment Ben lets it go. So tired. “Poe always made them up.”

 

“And I always called him out on it,” Ben insists. “I promise Canis Major is a real thing.”

 

Han’s car slowly pulls over to the side of the road, all windows pulled down. He offers Finn and Rey a ride home, to which Finn instantly hops in, muttering something about his broken bike again. Rey goes in after him, and as she tells Han the address she nearly misses how BB fingers grasp onto her own, stubbornly forcing her fist to open up. It makes her fumble with her words and she mixes up the numbers. BB is quick to correct her though.

 

“No, we live at number _27_ , not 37.”

 

It comforts Rey that BB knows their address even in his hazy state of sleepwalking. It sparked enough hope in her to think that maybe the address was important enough for him. Still, by the way he was now snuggled up into Ben’s neck; she doubted it would take more than a week before he’d forgotten all about it.

 

This is how she loses him. Too quickly. Too foolishly. Too selfishly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Almost there.

 

Ben _storms_ down the stairs at the third ring on the doorbell, patient but consistently making the loud noise fill the entire house. The sleep which is still in most control of his body is cursing and screaming out in protest, but Ben keeps running. It almost makes him trips over the steps.

 

There are a lot of _almosts_ that morning. For example how he’d almost made a fair attempt of making himself presentable, but how he'd gotten lost halfway. He'd been in such a rush that the shirt he’s grabbed to wear is now mistakenly inside out and backwards and there’s one sock missing to the ensemble. His shirt is half-tucked in.

 

Just.. Keep it together.

 

He barely gets the chance to fix any of it though before the forth ring fills the house.

 

Once the front door swings open and it takes Ben a moment to adjust to the light, a hand shielding his eyes for a second. Then, once he’s brave enough to peak through the gaps, he basks himself in her light image. A yellow halo around her. Unlike him, she looks wide-awake and ready, no clothes upside down or inside out. The hand that hadn’t just reached out for the doorbell was clenched into a steady grip on a plastic bag, at least a dozen of oranges weighing her arm down. The sky is stretch out in blue behind her and there’s not a cloud in sight and it makes a contrast to her sun kissed skin and the oranges piled up in her bag.

 

Rey rolls back on the balls of her feet, eyes narrowed into something hesitant.

 

“You look dead,” she finally says, and it’s incredibly rude, taboo and _wrong_ , but Ben smiles.

 

“I kind of am... What’s up?”

 

"Is that new?" she ignores his response, narrowing her eyes as she leans forward and enters his space. "Is that... is that a black eye?"

 

"Uh, yeah."

 

"What happened?" It was new, he hadn't had it last time she saw him. "What did you do?"

 

 "Nothing," Ben suppressed a yawn. "Weird Elsewhere science I guess?"

 

"Perhaps," Rey mumbles, not quite sure if it was worth going further on probing his explanation or excuse. Then she remembered why she was here in the first place. She had more important matters to attend to. She was here for a reason - and that reason was not to look out for Ben Solo and his stupid face.

 

A hand press and scratch against the burning back of her neck while she tries to pick out her words as carefully as possible. She just hoped he would be an easy target; that he would listen to her without asking too much questions she didn’t want to answer. Nerves had been draining her all the way over here, a frustrated blush already pushing on her cheeks as she forced herself to stay still.

 

“BB misses you,” she mumbles, watching closely as the brown eyes starts to gradually wake up.

 

For a second he thinks of making a joke, but her eyes aren't as bright as they usually are. The words he'd prepared, asking if she'd done the same thing - if it was truly only BB who misses him - fall dead to the bottom of his stomach. Not when her eyes are this gloomy and upset. She wasn't joking.

 

“Is he okay?”

 

She nods, forcing herself to keep her voice steady. “Yeah, he will be.”

 

"He's not hurt, is he?"

 

"No, of course not. He's perfect."

 

After hearing that, Ben makes her come inside the small house, waving a hand in the direction of the kitchen before he disappears off to clean himself up.

 

Moving through French doors that lead from a wide terrace into an expansive living room, Rey eventually locates the kitchen. The smell of toast and roasted coffee beans danced it’s way into her lungs. There’s a radio resting on the top of the fridge, some old tune filtering through on a low volume. A small post-it note is stamped to the fridge and she can recognize Han’s sloppy handwriting. The kitchen is abandoned in a half-made breakfast, just one single bite to a cheese sandwich resting on the counter next to a crossword. There’s a cup of tea too, but there’s barely any steam coming from it anymore, weak waves just barely climbing into thin air.

 

She walks back to the front door; oddly fascinated by the four pair of shoes she finds parked, trying to guess which pairs belonged to whom. Somewhere in the distance up above there are heavy steps stumbling around and a faucet running.

 

While waiting, Rey enters a stare contest with herself in the hall mirror, staring at the nervous stranger in front of her. It’s even more nerve-wracking when she gets pulled out from the stare, watching Ben Solo fly down the stairs to meet her. He reaches out for one of Han's jackets hanging on a hook close to the door.

 

“So… What's going on? Where's BB?”

 

“The Aquarium."

 

"And you're not there because..?"

 

"I'm here to see you," she pressed her lips together. "To go get you, I mean. To BB."

 

"You're ditching work just to come get me? What's going on?"

 

"No! I'm not ditching work to see you," she raised her voice maybe a little bit too much, nose scrunching up. "I'm not here to... I'm just here for BB, okay? He needs you."

 

Ben considers stating out the fact that she should've probably stayed with BB, but he leaves that unsaid. She already looks concerned enough.

 

"And I quit the Aquarium." She pushes some curling tendrils away from her cheeks. "So I'm not ditching work."

 

"Oh." Ben frowns at this.

 

"That's why I'm here... BB's been down all morning and he barely ate any breakfast which is a bad sign and I know from experience it's never good for him to be blue, so here I am; to get you over there," she explains her plan to him, and the moment he mentions the rough morning, Ben opens the front door again, waving her to move outside again.

 

He grabs his keys, eyes concerned at the news she'd just told him. "Kid needs to eat his breakfast."

 

"You don't think I know that?" she mumbles. "That's why I'm here, remember? You'll cheer him up, so uh.. You ready to go?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

Ben locks the front door behind them, glancing over his shoulder when switching from the upper lock to the lower one. She patiently waits, watching him struggle with the keys. He doesn’t look as dead anymore, his cheeks rosy and his single sock now matched with a striped one and double knot laces on his sneakers. Once he’s done, she hands him the impromptu breakfast of two oranges she’d dug up from her bag without very much explanation.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“It’s a bribe. Or a peace offering, I suppose… BB warned me about you and early mornings,” Rey admitted. Apparently not everyone was fit to be a morning person. “He told me all about the Incident after Thanksgiving 2010.”

 

In fact, within the next month, BB would continue to list a bunch of survival techniques regarding having Ben Solo.

 

Ben’s hands work to pull the peel off the orange she’d handed him; the citrus smell filling the air and painting the walls of his lungs.

 

“Monster before 9pm,” he confesses before popping a slice of orange into his mouth.

 

She didn’t know what to expect when they start walking. Maybe just not… this... silence. There were no small talk, no light questions about her day or comments about the weather. Just the steady rhythm of his matted sneakers matching her pace against the gravel. And although she appreciated how there were no polite, standardized probing questions, it made her feel uneasy. Because there were no such things as comfortable silences with Rey. Moments like these made it difficult to remember to keep up next to him. It felt like she’d stepped on a landmine and although all she wanted to do was to either run or fill the empty space with words, she couldn’t. No words came. She could barely even breathe.

 

The route from the house back to the city is fairly simple with only two intersections, but it’s a long walk. Past a river, a bridge, abandoned parks and sunny street corners.

 

Her heart was beating terribly fast. It almost felt like it was trying to acrobatics. First she mistakes it for nervousness, but when she feels her cheeks bumping up a smile she realizes its anticipation. Because Ben was on his way to see BB again and BB would be happy again. The thought of it makes her go calm and slow, her fingers mindlessly dancing over petunias blooming in a pot hanging out from a window they pass. Pale pink, yellow and red embedded in green leaves. Dusty violets settled among bergamot trees and peony dreams.

 

She wants him to say something, but whenever she turns to look at him he’s looking the other way.

 

Still, they kept walking together side by side without speaking, just keeping each other company and letting their thoughts unwind into nothingness until the atmosphere is clear.

 

“So.. you’ll probably be carrying boxes soon… not that there’s a lot of things to move out, but you know,” Rey eventually says, because that’s all she can think of whenever she tries to not think about… other things. “BB won't be of much help. He’s almost too tiny to lift a grocery bags.”

 

“No, no, I can do all the heavy lifting,” Ben nods quickly. “BB won’t have to lift a finger… Besides, you’ll help a friend out, right?”

 

It felt like a defeat.

 

But of course she would help out. She couldn’t exactly force BB stay with her.

 

She reminds her self to smile. “Sure.”

 

“So we’re friends?” A savage smirk plays on his raw lips, bitten to many times to be considered soft anymore. It doesn’t look like he expects her to answer and confirm it. It looks like he’s already settled.

 

"We're not friends."

 

"I think it's inevitable."

 

At a loss for words, Rey spends the entire next block of buildings hiding her face into the map BB had given to her. It was now folded out to it’s full scale which of course really wasn’t necessary… unless you were attempting to fold yourself _into_ the map itself to avoid any further eye contact. Which was exactly what she was doing. However, what Rey hadn’t thought of was how the terrain of the street sometimes shifted and how she had pretty much willingly let herself go out blind.

 

Bad idea.

 

She can't see how she's about to walk straight into a lamp post.. Almost does. Except there's suddenly a hand yanking on her wrist, nearly dislocating it as it pulls her away from collision. When she's out from danger, Ben quickly lets her go.

 

"Sorry," she apologizes, rubbing her wrist as she folds the map again. They're about 10 minutes away from the Aquarium, but in BB's books that's usually a long wait. "I'm just stressed BB's waiting for us-you I mean, all alone. He was really sad this morning."

 

Ben looks hurt. “I uh… I never got the chance to ask, but… how has he been doing?”

 

She give him a look much like someone who's just been accused of something.

 

"Believe me, I know he can’t be the most open book about what he’s feeling because most of the time it’s too much for his heart to handle, but from what he told me about you... you must know. You’re close.”

 

“Not as close as you two.”

 

Ben doesn’t deny it. “But he likes you,” he emphasizes. “That means something.”

 

No, it meant something to Rey – but it wasn’t enough. She bites her lips, guilt starting to press on her heart because despite whatever Ben was saying, no matter how close she felt to BB or how much she’d grown to care, she barely knew the kid. It had been proven countless of times the past 12 hours. Didn’t even know something as simple as his favourite band. She was outranked in knowledge.

 

“It’s Poe. He misses Poe. It’s… home, and things aren’t like that here,” she finally answers, her voice calm because she knows this as facts. Like law. “And he’s lonely. Things are not how they’re supposed to be and it’s never enough.”

 

“That’s not--”

 

Rey doesn’t let Ben interrupt her she just keeps going in one rushed sentence, lungs strained and shattered. She goes on to point out small details that added up to the big picture.

 

It was change, and like any reasonable kid, BB didn't like it. Not one bit.

 

“And then, on top of that, I think he’s been taking more care of me than I ever have of him. First day we got here he taught me how to make pancakes and how normal people live.” And when he would leave she would forget everything and go back to that lost square one. She’s not that honest to admit that though.

 

“He told me you taught him Dutch,” Ben counters.

 

She shakes her head no. “He’s just trying to make me look good.” A smile press onto her lips at the memory. “I only taught him curse words and insults.” In return, BB had pulled out some nasty insults in Spanish, but she keeps that small detail to herself.

 

“Oh.”

 

Ben loses whatever words he’d prepared in a dumbfounded stare, his whole posture stunned at her confession. Like she’d just taken off some disguise and that he was meeting an entirely new person. At first she thinks it’s bad and Rey frantically starts to think of ways she could take it back but then something warm bursts from him.

 

“So you’re telling me,” he chuckles, eyebrows knitted together, “---that he spent the majority of the dinner insulting me in Dutch?”

 

She probably should apologize for that. She hadn’t thought the phrases she’d taught the child would actually stick, or that he’d ever get in an opportunity to use them. Maybe if she’d actually listened at anything said last night maybe she would have been able to catch BB in the act and stop him… but then again, she wasn’t so sure she would have.

 

"Don't teach him more of that, please. Try something else."

 

"I don't really have much to offer." It wasn’t like BB was in dire need of knowing these things like insulting someone in Dutch, but she’d given it to him without as much as a plea. She wanted to give the little child the world, and it felt like a letdown when she couldn’t.

 

"We could try to teach him how to walk without falling over all the time," Ben suggests. "It was a huge problem back at Earth, but maybe we could figure something out to keep him from rolling over all the time."

 

Rey doesn't like the idea of how Ben had used the word _we_. It was like he was actively trying to remind her of the fact that BB was going to leave her and go stay with Ben and Han. How it was going to be Ben and Han who would continue to teach BB life lessons and stupid nonsensical skills. And there was the jealousy again; hitting her square in her throat, a lump rising against the back of it. By now she was used to this awful feeling; it happened whenever BB mention his family. Most importantly Poe. And Ben and Han were the closest thing BB could get.

 

It sparks an idea; some idea of how Rey could stay close to BB.

 

“Do you know how to swim?” she asks after some thought.

 

“I do, yeah.”

 

“What about diving?”

 

“Sure. Ever since dad took me to see the coral reefs, yeah.”

 

Rey had never seen the world hiding in the oceans. The closest she’d gotten was watching documentaries. Back before Elsewhere she'd always dreamt of blue worlds. She had always imagined mirages of blue, always longed for pools of water to surround her and lift her up to the surface. She wants to ask him about it; wants him to paint her a picture of the colours swept up into cyan, but she doesn’t.

 

“Could you teach me?” she mumbles carefully. Glancing up at Ben, she expects him to laugh at her lack of ability, but he doesn’t. There’s no judgment. Surprise, maybe, but nothing but it almost feels welcoming.

 

“Of course, yeah, um sure.”

 

"It's a stupid idea," Rey continues.

 

"No, I'll help..."

 

He goes on to ask her why she'd never learnt how to swim and even though Rey keeps her answers short, Ben manages to collect a few clues about her life back on Earth. She tells him about how she'd lived in a desert most of her life and how she'd never actually seen (or at least not remembered) the ocean until she woke up on the SS _Nile_.

 

They almost make it into a light conversation. Almost make it all the way back to the Aquarium.

 

Almost.

 

They’ve just passed the bridge when the voice calls out.

 

“ _You!_ ”

 

Rey turn around to see a boy in his teens, maybe 16, stand at the edge of the bridge. Although he’s young there’s something people that age rarely showed, the air nearly vibrating with hatred. Eyes burning she felt like she could melt. He was not that tall, but he’s wide – bulky arms and ripped muscles, legs carrying him closer and picking up speed to catch up to them. Jaw clenched, teeth gritted.

 

A bull charging straight at them.

 

“You can't be here! You- no! I-“

 

Rey filches, eyes closing and preparing for impact and pain, but when nothing comes and all she can hear is a crack, she jolts awake. Hazel eyes shifts into focus to see an arm swinging back for momentum before it slams a knuckle into Ben’s cheekbone. The second time she hears the crack Rey takes two steps back. It’s only when she gets some distance to the chaos that she can scan the fight, the rapid movements slowing down.

 

It’s hard to breathe.

 

She watches as Ben raise his arms out of pure reflex: ready to pounce back.

 

Only he never does.

 

He just stands there, staring at the boy with wide eyes as the assault begins.

 

“You _coward_ , I hate you,” the teen shouts. The strong punches gets heavier and messier, not as aimed as before. They pull so much force that even if Ben’s towering frame stands tall; he’s starting to shake. “This is… it’s… Your. Fault. Your. Fucking. Fault. _Everything_ – all of it. You- you-“

 

For a second he almost fights back.

 

But there’s something in the words that makes Ben drop his defences. There’s a flash in his eyes: a look of recognition, something small and then as if he’d just decided something his arms fall limp to his sides. The punches never stop pounding into his raw beaten skin, bruises already blooming around his eyes and he just accepts it.

 

Sobs falter out frustrated words. “You r-r-ruined every-t-thing.”

 

Ben’s indifference is frightening.

 

Rey tried to use the little control she had left to close her fists, and felt her soul guttering like a candle.

 

The scene tore up old memories.

 

Memories so clear and real she found herself reliving them. It became a cacophony of noises, of blasts g– feeble grunts and curses - of voices, until it was piercing, until even she wanted to cover her ears. It took a while for Rey to realize that she was sobbing; somewhere in a shadow memory of her parents calling out her name over and over again.

 

It’s when Ben falls to the ground that Rey’s walls break, and she hates herself for staying paralyzed for so long. Too long.

 

“Stop!” she cries out.

 

Then she springs into action; leaping forward to knock the boy off of Ben. Although she gets him off from Ben, she’s not fast enough to escape his iron tight hand grabbing onto her in the tussle. The war on Ben quickly turns it’s fight onto her and although he has now twisted her arm so that her back was locked to his chest Rey still manage to fight back, her arms scrappy and feral as she kicks, bites and hits.

 

Rey knows how to fight. She doesn’t drag out on it. Once the boy stumbles away from her she stops before he can swing back and return to her.

 

“Stop... just go,” she heaves out. “Stay away. Please... Just _leave_.”

 

The bulky boy is staring at her through angry tears. It looks like he is about to say something, but Rey doesn’t let him. She won't listen. Instead she goes to Ben who's still laying on the ground. Trembling hands move over him, grabbing onto his forearms before she pulls. He let’s her, simply following along like a puppet on a string. Once he's standing, Rey allows herself one glance over her shoulder again. The boy has left, his figure disappearing over the bridge. Once she's sure he's really leaving and not just playing some trick she turns back to Ben, eyes wide.

 

“Why didn’t you fight back?” she rasps. She proves this point by pushing on his chest. “Why did you just… _lay there_ and accept it _?_... what happened?”

 

Ben almost tells her the truth. Almost trusts her enough to think she’ll understand.

 

Almost.

 

“He couldn’t actually kill me,” he says quietly. He almost sounds nonchalant but it tastes sour. “I’ve already done that… Can’t exactly die twice, can I?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **I know i know i know i am the WORST™**


	7. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quality time with Ben, BB and Rey.

 

Rey was brave.

 

Braver than he’d hoped or expected. She hadn’t spoken since the bridge. Hadn’t even looked at him. She’d just kept walking - sure he would follow her. Which he did. All the way up to the bench that they were now sitting at, knees bumping together as she finally took a breath and let herself scan his bruised face. Her lips part slightly, shallow gasp of air. And while Rey watches Ben, Ben watches Rey.

 

She’s marked.

 

Tiny freckles on her nose look like pinpricks on a map of places he’d like to stay for a while.

 

This was not what he’d been expecting. Definitely not this.

 

“And I thought you looked dead this morning. Didn’t imagine it could get this bad,” Rey rasps, eyebrows pinched together as her eyes wander down his chest. For a second Ben’s scared she’ll be able to actually see how his heart was about to burst through his ribcage, but she doesn’t linger. Eyes drift back to his jaw, to the bruises blooming there. To his cut lips. Then to his eyes. “All that’s missing is a shoeprint on your forehead.”

 

“BB can’t see me like this,” he says quietly, and she shakes her head in agreement.

 

Knees press together even tighter as she moves closer. “I should be so mad at you,” she mumbles, almost schooling herself. “I _am_ mad at you.” Just maybe not for this.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Let me see,” she reaches a hand up, but he leans away from her, not allowing her to touch. Legs tilt to the side and leaves him completely isolated from her.

 

“You should go. Tell BB I couldn’t come.”

 

“He won’t believe that. He knows you wouldn’t say no.”

 

“Then tell him I wasn’t home.”

 

“So you just want me to go?”

 

Ben doesn’t answer her; just hangs his head low, his chin resting against his chest.

 

“He’s tougher than you think, you know. He saw a nasty cut and he didn’t even flinch.” Eight was a tender age, but BB had seen a lot. She was also pretty sure BB had once told her how his favourite movie had been E.T, and that movie was filled with some scary visual effects. Or at least that’s what she’d heard.“He really wants to see you.”

 

He doesn’t want to argue with her, so he drops her question. She only fills it with a new one.

 

“Does it hurt badly?”

 

Birds chirp in some tree above.

 

“No.”

 

“Then let me,” she insists, hand rising again to meet his cheek. This time he let’s her tend to his wounds, tracing the red beat skin, raw under her soft fingers. The strokes sooth him. And although he can’t see why she would be doing this except for out of pity, he’s not going to complain or retract. It’s sedative enough to make him close his eyes, filling his lungs with a deep breath.

 

“Why didn’t you fight back?” she asks.

 

“I knew him.”

 

The confession makes her hand leave him, and the absence makes him feel cold.

 

“Back at Earth?” he hears her ask, still close enough that he can feel her warm breath fan against his collar. “How did you know him?”

  

“I have lost a lot of people to Elsewhere,” Ben shrugged.

 

Rey considers this for a moment.

 

A question interrupts her, leading her on a new path.

 

“Where did you learn to fight like that?”

 

It wasn't exactly her way of thanking her for interfering or stopping the fight, but was somehow still showing appreciation for how she had acted.

 

“Kind of just had to where I come from,” she says, her voice fairly steady. “Still doesn’t earn me the right to be BB’s sidekick though. I’m stuck with the part of playing his butler.”

 

“Alfred is pretty awesome though.”

 

“You know that’s rubbish.”

 

“Maybe he just wants someone to return home to after action-packed missions discovering new continents and treasures and what not,” Ben smirks. “Someone who makes him soggy burnt pancakes and teaches him Dutch and someone who accidentally fills the whole bathroom with bubbles from adding soap instead of washing power to the washing machine..” he goes on to tease her and Rey shrinks into her seat, furious that BB already had snitched on her even when she’d made him promise not to tell anyone. Suppose Ben was an exception to all rules though.

 

“But I’m not that person,” she argues.

 

She wants to turn away from him, but something catches her eye.

 

Stuck in a stare, she has to blink at least three times to really make sure she’s not imagining things. But it’s really happening; Ben’s cheeks were slowly paling. For a moment she thought he was going to be sick, when in fact his skin was just returning to its original state. She breathes out his name when she realizes what is happening, a hand carefully drawing at his healed cheek.

 

"What are you doing?" he asks, voice drowsy.

 

"You're healing! I... What does it feel like?” she asks, curious eyes staying locked on him not to miss anything.

 

Personally, her recovery from death had been slow and outstretched, just like Finn, so the different stages of healing had been difficult to notice. But this healing was nearly instant. It was like an invisible force was dropping water on Ben’s wounds, diffusing it until it finally washed out completely.

 

“I uh…” Ben stumbled. “I don’t know? It stopped hurting.”

 

“Cool.”

 

“Looks like I’m invincible.”

 

Wrinkles scrunch up her nose. ”Don’t you for a second go out and let yourself get beaten up just because you’ll heal up within the next 20 minutes, Solo.” Her hand drops from his cheek and her index finger points out, pushing into his collarbone. “You can’t do that to BB and I can’t always be there to save you.”

 

Her sudden change of mood makes him snicker, pushing her stabbing finger off. “Aye, aye Captain.”

 

“Good. Let’s go.”

 

They reach the Aquarium about half an hour late to when Rey had originally promised. It was not like it actually made a difference to the little boy’s schedule; he pretty much came and went as he pleased, but it did however matter to what he thought of her. Or at least she thought. She’d almost let him down in delivering her promise, having him wait for an extra 30 minutes and she wants to explain herself, maybe make up some excuse to blame, but she gets nowhere. The moment BB sees them pass the corner to the building his bored and slightly annoyed expression fades out just as easily as Ben’s bruises. The elbows on his knees to support his head gives out and he literally flies up from where he’d been waiting at the marble steps; breaking into a run to go and meet them, the 30 minutes spent alone long forgotten.

 

Just like last time, BB tackles into Ben like a charging bull and it sends him flying up in the air as Ben spins him around.

 

Rey watches from the sidelines, head tilted as she feels something twist at her heart again. She doesn’t let it reel her in like she had done last night at the diner because she doesn’t have it in her to get mad over reunited family. It goes against everything she had ever wished for. Family had always had a tight grip around her ever since she’d gotten removed from her own. And even if she had no part in this reunion and this family, she still cared deeply for it, for them, for BB.

 

Ben hoists the little boy to sit on his shoulders and Rey would’ve been worried if she hadn’t seen Ben’s steady hands securing BB’s sneakers to his chest. BB’s hands quickly goes to settle in Ben’s dark hair, pulling it in all different directions while Ben mutters out complains down below.

 

“Hey, stop that -- you’re making me look like a clown.”

 

“Too late,” BB giggles, and he was right: Ben _did_ look silly. “Right Rey?”

 

Once BB mentions Rey, Ben’s brown eyes snap back to her and he speaks before Rey can think of anything to say. “You’ll stay?” he asks, one very restricted and careful nod gesturing back towards the entrance of the Aquarium. BB sways slightly at the movement but he’s solid on Ben’s shoulders, eyes wide in excitement.

 

“No, it’s just you two.”

 

BB giggles as his fingers stops ruffling the tousled hair only to dip down and cover Ben’s eyes, shrieking as Ben shrieks out in surprise. “You still have me, you tall idiot,” he rolls his eyes. “Besides, Rey has already seen all the tanks. She’s even named a few of them,” BB explains. “She’d just be bored.”

 

“No one could ever get bored with you around, buddy.”

 

“Yeah, you’re right, that’s true.”

 

Rey clears her throat, waving her hand for a second time. “Please don’t do anything too wild. Take care of him,” she adds for good measure, and although she directs it to the oldest and most responsible of the boys, it’s the youngest and most reckless boy who answers her.

 

“Ben will survive, don’t you worry,” he promises, offering her a thumbs up.

 

“Christ,” Ben mutters, finally able to see now that BB’s hand had stopped blinding him.

 

While BB waves frantically and big enough for both of them, Ben simply smiles at her. It’s almost hard to look away, but she does – quickly turning around before walking away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rey spent the rest of her day at the Greenhouse.

 

It’s a large building with large windows and a strong white skeleton holding it all together, vines and trees stretching all the way up to the ceiling. When Mr Kenobi had suggested it to her, Rey had naturally dismissed the idea. She didn’t know anything about gardening; the desert she came from barely had any green and the closest thing she’d ever come to planting something was burying things Unkar Plutt never wanted to see again. There had been a small cacti potted right next to her bed, but she’d barely even taken care of it so it had never grown.

 

But Kenobi had assured her she could keep things alive.

 

The Greenhouse was separated into several different environments, temperatures varying depending on the occupying plants growing in each room. The largest room were built for tropics and in the middle of the glass box was a large pond. When Rey had been guided on the small paths through the leaves and flowers, her colleague had pointed out the aquatic plants, easily naming them from an invisible list of names. Indian lotus and water hyacinth along with a range of water lilies. There was even one victoria cruziana, largest lily on the planet.

 

There were so much life around her; even more than Rey had seen back at the Aquarium. There were birds hiding up in the tree canopy, offering a light tune to the people down below.

 

Rey continued through all the different houses of environments and temperatures; guided along the rows upon rows of plants and flora, the hot, sticky smell of the air wrapping around her contrasting with the cool, strangely calming smell of the fruit. She’d spent the first hour at her new avocation picking tomatoes, tasting one or two every now and then. She got lost more than once but it didn’t matter; ending up finding new hidden places her colleague had forgotten to show her. Hands worked through the dirt and swept against leaves. Watered the flourishing blossoms of yellow and pink and magenta. She gave sunlight to the shiest pots that had been placed somewhere forgotten. She got cold dew under the tips of her fingernails. She studied the bees and the caterpillars and butterflies crowd around a pool of sugar.

 

She loved it there. From the gritty soil to the abundant moisture.  Constrained, but so free.

 

“ _There you are_ , I’ve been looking all over for you in this jungle!” her colleague chuckles after finally finding Rey crouched under a plant with leaves as big as umbrellas. “Time for you to go home, love.”

 

“Already?”

 

Ready or not, her colleague sends Rey on her way home along with a bouquet of the same flowers she had been tending to all day. Rey had never had the luxury of ever visiting a florist or buying a bouquet, so she carries it with tremendous care; carries it like a baby.

 

The Greenhouse just three blocks away from their flat, so she walks home.

 

She calls out BB’s name the second she opens the door, repeating it again when she doesn’t get an answer. Her keys drop to a small bowl close to the door and she kneels down to her shoes, fighting for a moment to get her boots off. It’s not as easy as she’d hoped when she’s already half-occupied with balancing her bouquet. (Over the next few months, Rey would overflow with flowers. Still, she would continue walking home with cradles of flowers, offering all of them to friends and neighbours. She would learn that Finn and his Grams prefers lilies and lavender, while BB just prefers anything periwinkle, like Hydrangeas. She would also eventually manage to convince Han to take one, although Ben would have to help his father to keep it alive.)

 

Rey's almost free from her tight boots when a shadow fills the hallway. When she looks up she nearly topples over.

 

“Ben?”

_What was he doing here_? “What… um, where’s…?”

 

“BB is over checking with your neighbours if anyone could burrow us a cup of flour and some eggs,” Ben smiles at her while leaning against the doorframe, and it takes a moment for Rey to decipher the situation and his words. And that’s when she notices that he’s wearing her apron. It fits right in.

 

“We’re baking,” he explains his attire.

 

“Oh,” is all she can say, still staring at the intruder in her home.

 

It’s a weird sight. He was looking so crowded with his tall frame it was almost comical. It makes her think of those sketches clowns sometimes made: ten of them fitting into and sharing the smallest possible space.

 

“I think the two of us need to team up and figure out dinner though,” Ben continues. “Either that or he’ll just eat end up eating the entire batch of cupcakes.”

 

She internally groans, pressing a hand to her forehead. “How did Poe ever manage to BB to eat healthy stuff in the first place? Is that even possible?” Rey frowns, because clearly Ben wasn’t immune to the little boy’s charm like she’d hoped.

 

Ben shrugged. "Kid listened to Poe's words like they were law."

 

“Maybe you could add some spinach to the recipe when he isn’t looking.”

 

“Sounds horrible,” he says, clearing his throat form making an _ewuk_ sound. Happily erasing whatever taste or image of spinach cupcakes to never be remembered ever again, Ben quickly moves on to Rey's first question. From what the little he'd seen back at Maz' diner, BB was living a sugar-high lifestyle in Elsewhere with triple the milkshakes and desserts. With that in mind, he could understand Rey's frustration. Then again, Poe didn't really had had to deal with this back at Earth. BB was never really in the position to access all these sweet things now laid out in front of him. It was different than back on Earth.

 

“Poe was a legend at compromise,” he eventually settles. “We’ll need some kind of leverage.”

 

“Oh. Well, that’s easy,” Rey rolls her eyes as she push off her jacket from her shoulders.

 

“It is?”

 

Both of them walk into the kitchen and Rey hums as she starts to rack through the different cupboard in a hunt for a vase. Even standing on her tiptoes she couldn’t find any and she’s tempted at scaling the counter, but she stays grounded. She settles for a carafe that they usually use for juice in the mornings, just barely reaching it. Ben is hovering behind her and she’s grateful he doesn’t move into her space to help her. She’s doing just fine.

 

“Simple. We could just tell him you’ll leave unless he eats his vegetables,” she explains. “Think of it as a reverse-hostage situation.”

 

“Right…” he mumbles. “ _Or_ we could _trick him_ into eating the greens.” Rey huffs when he says this, because BB’s smart and he wasn’t tricked into things very easily, so Ben quickly adds a reference to support his hypothesis. “Poe used to make games over dinner. Eating contests and stupid challenges.”

 

No matter how much time she’d spent with BB, she’d never actually asked anything about Poe. She’d learnt not to, considering it mostly ended up in tears. But now she had Ben who was happily sharing small stuff about the older brother; about how things were supposed to be. It felt extremely valuable to her. She could maybe ask him the things that were otherwise forbidden and hurtful. Like how the little boy ended up here in the first place.

 

“So…” Ben shifts awkwardly. “How was your day?” he asks as she crowds the sink to fill the glass flask with water.

 

“It was good.”

 

There’s more to say, but she intentionally kept it short. He doesn’t look that happy with her response, but he doesn’t push it. Instead he helps her with the flowers and goes to stand next to her. He opens the small bag that had come with the bouquet, releasing the white powder of preservatives into the water before giving it a stir. Rey starts cutting away the stumps of the flowers and when Ben’s hand suddenly makes an appearance dangerously close to her knife it makes her shriek, body stiff and paralyzed to stone.

 

“They’ll survive longer if you cut them diagonally.”

 

"Oh."

 

When Rey hears the front door slam open it feels very much like a blessing from the universe, mercifully pulling her away from any further conversation with Ben Solo. BB would do that. He fills the space within seconds, stomping inside the kitchen with a whole bag of flour and two eggs tightly gripped to his chest.

 

“Struck gold in the apartment straight across!” he cheers, happily displaying his trophies. Once he sees Rey standing next to Ben, his grin grows twice as big. “Rey! You're home! We’re making you cupcakes!”

 

“Oh, so they’re just for me then?”

 

She grins when she watched the little boy falter, his whole posture sinking in disappointment as he let’s out a hurt groan.

 

" _Rey!_ "

 

“I might share.”

 

“Surely hope so!”

 

Rey chuckles at his very offended reaction, because BB is used to Rey sharing her everything with him. Her hand reaches out to ruffle his hair, but it stops in mid-air as she notices there’s something stopping her. It’s orange and there’s a white embroidered logo Rey can’t recognize stitched onto the front. It suits him.

 

“Did you get a new cap today?” she asks, and BB hums as he orbits around her. “Looks cool.”

 

“Ben got it for me.”

 

Ben holds out a whisk. “You wanna help out with the cupcakes, Rey?”

 

That makes BB bark out a laugh, clutching his heart as his head snaps back. “Rey can’t bake.”

 

Rey takes this as her queue to leave the kitchen to go and change out of her clothes. So far she’d noticed at least three grass stains on her trousers from the Greenhouse and staying around in the kitchen while they were baking would surely add even more, so she gladly took the excuse to leave the two boys alone.

 

Once she returns, the kitchen is already in a mess. The apron has been untied and Ben is now wearing it like a cape and Rey thinks Ben Solo is the only person who has ever managed to look good in inside out and upside down clothes. It almost doesn't make her notice the havoc they've caused. It reminds her of Finn’s painting of a snow blizzard, only now it’s flour and sugar and vanilla powder and it’s _everywhere_. She comes in just in time to watch as Ben carefully opens the oven, eyes in deep focus as he balances the trey of cupcakes with one hand.

 

“Back off, buddy,” he mumbles when he feels BB press against his back, eager to see the cupcakes get shipped off. Both boys crouch down in deep concentration and Ben’s oven mitten disappears into the gaping temperature. Like a magnet, BB goes in closer. “Hey, careful … you could get burnt.”

 

“How long howlonghow long Ben how long until they’re done?” the little boy rambles as he starts to pull on the apron and once Ben points to the timer he’s already set for the cupcakes, BB let’s out a frustrated cry. He lands down right in front of the oven, legs crossed as he basks in the radiating warmth. His nose is almost too close to the window for Rey’s taste, but she knows he’s not stupid enough to lean any further. He sits there for about a minute, impatiently waiting for the batter to rise. When it doesn’t, he sighs. And sighs. And sighs. And because BB isn’t good with just sitting around waiting he soon enough decides to leave.

 

Ben has already started clearing out the bowls and the flour and the eggshells and the sugar, effortlessly moving around in the kitchen while Rey just stares. She tells him he doesn’t have to clean up, but he shrugs his shoulders like it’s nothing. They clean the kitchen together in silence and Rey starts to pull together a basic dinner.

 

Once the timer goes off and the cupcakes rest in the afterglow to cool down, BB makes as much as two attempts to run into the kitchen to snatch the goods. Thankfully Ben has good enough reflexes and arms long enough to stop him both times, telling him “nice try but no way before dinner.”

 

When the dinner is finally done Rey and Ben work like a machine to get the plates and the pots to the table. The stew was placed in the middle of the table on top of one oven mitten sharing the space with the impromptu vase of tulips and a lit candle. Ben sits down but once BB enters the kitchen again he immediately shakes his head because “— _no, that’s Rey’s chair_ ,” to make him move. Rey hadn’t even thought about it. One time in-between BB’s interrogation of Rey’s new avocation and telling her all about his and Ben’s day, Rey plays a card and bets the little kid couldn’t eat his entire broccoli in 30 seconds, to which he gladly accepts the challenge. Ben smirks over the table.

 

The clock chirms 8 times when Ben gets up to leave. He almost walks off with the apron which had been long forgotten resting on his back, but Rey pulls on it to make him stop. She calls him a thief and BB says that it's in Solo's blood to steal things. Ben doesn't exactly object, but reluctantly gives the cape apron back, folding it carefully in a perfect square.

 

"Night buddy," he mumbles, pulling BB into a tight hug for goodbye. And Rey thinks that’s it; but then he leans over to kiss her cheek, voice low and concealed into her hair as he tells her they make a great team.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A week pass.

 

BB has written writes seven letters and postcards with seven different attachments of pictures and stories of his time so far in Elsewhere. Some of them are completely random, then there’s one addressed to his neighbour, one to auntie Leia, one to Poe and one to his public library apologizing for not returning his books in on time. Rey helped him roll them up into scrolls, carefully popping them into glass bottles before sealing them in. He’d never himself actually received or found a message in a bottle before, but back at school he’d heard stories of how the underwater streams of the ocean had been strong enough to carry love letters and secret treasure maps from one continent to the other. The chances were slim, but BB had hope at least one of the letters would wash up somewhere on a beach not too far away from home.

 

Rey and Finn had helped him write out all seven letters and postcards that they’d bought in the gift shop of the museum. The last one he writes is to his kindergarten teacher, who had skipped his funeral. Finn’s grandmother puts postage on all postcards. The postcards go into the mail, and BB knows fully well that they will never arrive at their intended destination. Lacking a return address, at least the postcards won’t come back to him.

 

He has a little more hope about the letters wrapped and concealed in the bottles though. BB had never underestimated how strong the ocean could be. Maybe it would be strong enough to make it all the way back home.

 

“I’m going to the ocean today,” Rey tells him as she adjusts the strap clinging to her shoulder. Her bag is packed with a towel and a bathing suit she’d borrowed from Finn’s grandmother. It’s navy blue with white lines stretching over it. “I could drop your bottles off?”

 

And so Rey adds some bottles to her already stuffed duffle bag, zip just barely closing.

 

Ben was teaching her how to swim today.

 

He’s teaching and prepping her for something he can’t know about. She hasn’t told him about the Well, wasn’t planning to either.

 

After waving BB goodbye, Rey rides her bike all the way down to the beach, finding her tall swim instructor waiting for her with a timid smile. He’s already wearing his swim shorts, a big hoodie pulled over his chest to protect him from the wind. Bare feet dips prints into the sand.

 

“You nervous?”

 

“Of course not,” she lies. “So, how do we do this? How will you teach me? Do we start on land or--”

 

“Maybe we should re-think this?” he interrupts her, eyebrows knitted together. “Honestly I think the lake would be better. Safer, I mean. I didn’t really think this through and… uh… swimming in the ocean is actually a bit hardcore.”

 

She wants to remind him that he had called himself invincible and that the ocean would be a piece of cake for him, but stops herself when she realizes he’s talking about _her_ safety. She wasn’t used to that.

 

Ben helps her throw out BB’s bottles into the blue ocean and they make a satisfying plop before they disappear into the waves. If Ben hadn’t ducked she would’ve probably smashed a bottle against his shoulder, but thankfully she misses him with an inch. After that, Rey makes an active choice to stay out of Ben’s personal bubble – giving herself a 10 feet limit. She doesn’t linger on the thought of what had made her get so close to him in the first place. Instead she smiles at the plopping sound the bottles makes. Littering shouldn’t feel this good, but Rey couldn’t really care.

 

They take their bikes to the nearest lake, not very far away from the beach they’d just met on. They park at the shore of the lake and Ben pulls out a towel and starts untying his shoes. Rey goes to do the same, all concentration going to her shoes. Blood rush to her head as she crouches and she she blames herself for the dizzy and overwhelming reaction thoughts when she finally looks up. She finds it all very difficult to concentrate, wide eyes going to the hoodie now laying abandoned on the ground. Couldn't he had kept that on?

 

“Hurry up,” he chuckles.

 

Once she’s manoeuvred her way into the bathing suit while staying in her towel tent, Ben is already knee deep in the water. He waves at her to come over, but she stops at the edge of the shore.

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Why? You’re afraid?”

 

“ _No!"_  she shoots back. “But I can’t go in there,” she nods to the dark water, pointing not an option considering both of her arms are wrapped like a cage around her abdomen. “I’ll sink.”

 

“It won’t exactly kill you, Rey.”

 

“Ha-Ha, laugh it up.”

 

Ben Solo was the bane of her existence. Irritating, teasing, completely insufferable. It makes her want to do everything out of spite. Just to make him stop with the smug looks and the teasing words and the stupid _stupid_ overstepping of boundaries and—

 

Once she’s a few steps into the water and more importantly now just within reach, Ben makes a splash.

 

“BEN!”

 

In her rush to fling the water back at him Ben retreats to an even deeper part of the lake, but Rey doesn’t give up that easily and it’s only when she’s followed him all the way to the dark water that she realize her mistake.

 

“You tricked me,” she breathes.

 

Then she notes how dark the water has become. Thick and deep, legs fading out in the depth. Panic start to rise as she feels the water against her neck. Her limbs flounder but it’s not helping. She’s not moving any closer to Ben but the water is still rising. Or is she sinking?

 

Then all of it stops when hands find her wrists and gently keep her levitated in the water, words calming her, “You’re okay.”

 

Although he's trying to calm her down, it only feels like he's trying to trick her again.

 

"You're the worst."

 

Ben and the water carry her back to where she can touch the bottom of the lake. It’s feels like gravel and slime and it’s cold but Rey doesn’t really care. She tries to think of other things. And then other things other than how the contrasting height difference between her and Ben made her current position very awkward, face to face with his heaving chest.

 

"You're the w-worst friend ever," she stutters.

 

"So we're friends?"

 

"Not anymore, you monster."

 

He tries to get her to relax, tries to make her aware of how the water makes her body lighter and how easy it is to float. He tells her that the water will keep her upright as long as she moves her feet. He explain buoyancy and breathing, but Rey misses half of the lecture because her eyes are ears are full of water and I am focused on the feel of his hand that had somehow moved to her back, one between her shoulder blades the other still tight on her arm.

 

Once she’s calmed down enough to actually look him in the eye again he decides that it’s a good time to pull her out into the deep waters again. “Ready?”

 

“Mmhm?”

 

He snorts at her puffed cheeks and strained fixture. “You don’t have to hold your breath like a chipmunk, Rey. I got you.”

 

Rey’s eyes are locked to her arm where Ben is holding her - the only thing keeping her afloat. “Okay.”

 

He lets it stay quiet for a while; just listening to the water and her breathing and the way there’s droplets of water still falling from her soaked hair. It’s curing into the tiniest waves, sticking to her skin in patterns. Maybe he lets it be quiet for a little bit too long as he holds her, the rings on the water almost completely calmed down.

 

“Okay try to let go of me and try to stay afloat on your own,” he suggests.

 

“It’s too deep,” she shakes her head. This is dangerous territory and she should get out.

 

“Doesn’t matter how deep it is as long as you stay on the surface,” Ben argues, and although it’s completely logical to someone like him who’s like a fish in the water, it’s also very much impossible for someone like Rey to wrap her head around. “Come on, try it.”

 

She starts to kick gently, just barely brushing against his legs as she does so. It’s a struggle to find a good tempo but after a few strokes her confidence grows. Ben slides his hands down further along her arms until it’s only their fingertips connecting them, then, after a small smile, he lets her go.

 

“Wait-“

 

“Here, I’m right here. Trust me.”

 

But she doesn’t yet. She doesn't trust him and she doesn't reach out for him and so she sinks _._

 

Deeper and deeper.

 

It's weird sinking without drowning. She didn't fall into hyper vigilance. She keeps her eyes open for as long as she can, even though it stings and she could barely see anything. And even as it got darker and colder and the light water went turbid and green and eventually completely black, Rey didn't move. She just drifted. Arms floating like spaghetti above her. Ben hadn’t taught her how to climb through the water yet.

 

Then all of a sudden her decent is reversed; like a movie playback only now it goes a lot quicker and the water turns bright and she can feel Ben pulling her up. Once they both reach the surface in an agonised gasp, Rey naturally lock around his neck in a death grip.

 

She's coughing, eyes still squeezed shut.

 

"Rey? Rey!"

 

There's water everywhere.

 

“What the _hell_ , Rey?"

 

She tries to say something - but she's still coughing.

 

"You honestly _rather sink_ than let me help you?” he close to shouts, though he's not fully recovered from the submersion either. He sounds pissed and she can feel his muscles tighten and for a moment she thinks she should let go of him, but he does the exact opposite and reels her in even closer. The water continue to leave her lungs, invisible punches pressing on her chest to get rid of every last drop that she’d swallowed. “... am I really that bad?”

 

"No, no, of course not," her lips quivering as she clings onto his neck. It feels like maybe she should apologize, but she doesn't.

 

They stay like that for a while, both gasping and heaving for air while cheeks press together.

 

“Is this how you died?” he asks quietly, arms tight around her. “Drowning?”

 

Rey shakes her head.

 

Maybe she wished she’d gone out that way. Drowning would’ve been better than what had actually happened. Because even if the swimming she’d done so far hadn’t exactly been soft on her nerves, she did like the feeling of floating; how everything she had locked inside of her suddenly felt light.

 

She still won’t lean back to look at him, her chin still pressed against her shoulder.

 

“... is it why you wanted to learn how to swim?”

 

And that’s when she remembers the Well and BB and Poe and why she’s doing this in the first place. She couldn’t waste time doing this – couldn’t waste time being this scared. Arms disentangle themselves and her hands leave the back of Ben’s head, careful to pull back.

 

Rey starts to tread water again.

 

“Didn’t die from drowning,” she tells him, half-a-smile already tugging at her lips. “I died from hugging a cactus too tightly…”

 

She'd hoped that the joke would lighten the mood but he was still glaring at her; still upset she’d chosen sinking and technically drowning over grabbing onto him.

 

“... let me guess, you died from getting riled up over the tiniest things,” she goes on, really not seeing the point in his reaction.

 

“ _Tiny,_ for sure,” he scoffs, making a point to scan over her face. "You scared me."

 

"I'm not scary." Or tiny, she wanted to add, but she couldn't exactly prove that point while being this close to him. She'd need a chair or something to stand on to fight him on that subject. "You're so dramatic, you'll die from it."

 

Then, much to her relief, he takes her bait to the joke. “Actually, I died by a banana."

 

"What?" she smiles. "Are you allergic or something?"

 

"I was in a shopping cart race. We were going through the fruit and vegetables section and ironically someone had dropped a banana, whIch I very gracefully flatted - so my cart slipped and crashed. I took my last dying breath face smushed into lettuce.”

 

"How noble," Rey says, moving some hair away from where it had stuck to her cheek. “Good to know I should never let you drive,” she adds with a chuckle, deciding that Ben won that round of whatever taboo joke they had between them. "You'll make us crash."

 

“I’ll have you know that I’m an excellent driver.”

 

“If you say so,” she mumbles. She lets go of him completely, pride boosting through her as she stays on the surface. “Just hurry up and teach me how to swim without drowning.”

 

"Next time you'll bring a life vest."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Soooooooooo happy to see people liking my story. How you guys even found your way here is beyond me. I am really going to miss this lol.**  
>   
>  If you have any good examples of dumb ways to die like Rey and Ben does, feel free to share!


	8. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BB is surprisingly honest and it confuses Rey, a swimming lesson, a warning and a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **  
> **  
> *rocks back on old wheelchair* listen kid *smokes cigarette* I've seen and read a lot of things *blows smoke* and I know it's hard but there's still hope in this world ok? *looks into the distance* also you might wanna read the tags because the chances of angst being in my fic have gone from 0 to 75 and it wont stop unless someone helps me with some fic recs because I can’t find anything to read  
> 

 

Rey and BB are both sitting on their sofa, both with their legs crossed as they twist around two bowls they’d prepared. They’d just started watching a movie Finn had loaned to them over lunch; a lunch they’d spent contesting who could balance the most potato chips on their nose (which Finn had won.) They’d been so wrapped up in the contest that they hadn’t really gotten the chance to ask what kind of movie it was, which only lead to this:

 

Clammy hands and tightly pressed lips because for some awful stupid reason Finn had given them a bloody damn thriller to watch.

 

Sometimes, during the scary parts of the movie, one of the roommates’ hands will shoot out to squeeze the others, and even though they’re already cursing Finn for picking this nerve-racking movie no one dares to look away. Their eyes stay hypnotized in a long stretched stare at the glowing TV.

 

Every now and then trembling hands seek comfort to the filled up bowls they’ve equipped themselves with. The image reminds of something like two dragons protecting its treasure, only now instead of golden coins and jewels the treasure is replaced by two bowls filled with freshly popped popcorn. Another detail that derails the dragon-image is the fact that both of them are wearing their pyjamas (matching sets from the SS  _Nile)_  along with two damp towel turbans wrapping around their damp hair. Cheeks still red.

 

 _“It’s not raining outside, is it?”_ BB had asked her once she’d finally walked through the front door that night. He smiles as she picks him up into a hug. His cap falls off but he doesn’t seem to care. “ _You’re soaking.”_

 

But of course it wasn’t raining. Both of them knew that. She’d been out swimming with Ben again – but this time they barely got through any of Ben’s teaching, spending most of the hour just floating next to each other while talking.

 

Rey didn’t really talk to Ben that much – no, correction, she did– but _if_ and _when_ she did talk to him, it was never about anything personal. There was never any probing probe into their privacy… at least not from Rey’s part, so certain that she wanted no part of it or Ben in the first place. So their talks were kept minimal under Rey’s supervision; any chance of a question or topic _strictly_ isolated to either swimming, BB or Poe.

 

Only today, when they’d been floating, questions not surrounding her three themes had popped up, and at the end of it, she knew just a little bit more about Ben than she used to.

 

After that, the day had gone in a frame-by-frame tempo.

 

Once Rey had gotten home that evening, BB had (after pulling himself into her swim-soaked clothes for a shivering hug, never minding her small warning.) He’d asked if her new job was taking care of the rain considering she’d been sporting this dripping look all week, but it just makes her laugh.

 

After that, the boy had eagerly pulled her over to his doorframe to get measured, reminding her that it was time to check their leaderboard. Poe had used to do the same thing back at Earth, back home, only now the scale was reversed.

 

BB hadn’t realized it yet, but he sort of thought of the scale as a countdown to get back home again. If he could only shrink down fast enough he could get back to Poe again.

 

And so he’d tried to stretch with all of his might while Rey’s guarding tone had told him to stop standing on his tiptoes before finally pulling out a red marker to pin a line to the wall behind him. Along with the red mark she scribbled down his name, age and date, hazel eyes lingering at the date and stirring up a small hesitation as if asking if she’d really written it correctly. Had they really been together like this for three whole months?

 

BB tells her to “ _Do the voice again,_ ” which makes Rey put on her best sports-announcer Olympics-style voice, commenting on the marks on the doorframe. No one could really remember how it had all started, but by now it was tradition as she announced how BB was still taking the lead in the de-growing championship.

 

After dinner they’d wrapped themselves up in blankets and with bowls of popcorn and now there were stuck in front of that awful thriller movie. About 20 minutes in, BB lets out the loudest cry yet – only this time it isn’t a reaction to the movie, but something closer.

  
“No, not this song again!”

 

Rey frowns. “Huh?”

 

“Seriously?!” the little boy groans, dunking his forehead down into his palm.

 

He’d guessed that the towel wrapped around his head would’ve been enough to block the sound out, but he’d now been proved wrong.  _Summertime_  starts to slip through the walls. It drills through the wallpaper and although it’s dimmed and simple, it’s not exactly weak. It was easy to imagine each breath taken for each tone. Each drawn-out note to each set of bars.

 

“She’s been playing this song the whole  _week!_ ”

 

The soundtrack of a trumpet often followed the two roommates in the small flat, starting its overture over their breakfast and growing all the way up until dinner. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Sometimes, even when Rey was far away from their homey flat, she could swear she could hear the phantom echo of the instrument.

 

On this particular night it seemed a lot louder than usual though.

 

It was simple and stripped: no violins or piano or raspy voice from Armstrong or clear soprano from Fitzgerald to complete the tune. There’s just the orphaned trumpet.

 

The two roommates had by now learnt that their neighbour, the kind one who’d offered BB the flour and eggs, was a big fan of old jazz. This, according to BB, instantly took away all the points the old lady had earned from the flour and eggs. First week they’d listened to the neighbour playing the trombone and the trumpet, but over the past few weeks they’d explored the whole range of instruments. Nevertheless, tonight it was back to something familiar. So far, Rey liked the trumpet the best.

 

Except for the music filtering through the room, there’s a second presence hanging in the room.

 

Turns out that once the Rembrandt tulip fully blooms into its full scale it releases the softest smell to spread around the flat. It doesn’t just stay in the kitchen anymore. It’s almost reached its way all over to the hallway by now; and it’s amazing because all of it is coming from the small vase of flowers Rey and Ben had arranged together. Whenever BB and Rey eat, it’s almost like there’s a third guest at the table.

 

(BB will accidentally smash the vase the next morning during the breakfast while making wild hand gestures. And while it won’t upset Rey, he will make Rey promise to ransack the Greenhouse for new flowers to replace the smashed flowers.)

 

Rey adjusts her towel turban, slowly detangling it and releasing her hair into the cold air.

 

“It’s not that bad,” she argues, starting to hum along to the song. She’d learnt it by now. “… it can’t have been a whole  _week_  of this. Surely you’re exaggerating.”

 

BB scoffs, filling his mouth with popcorn, so when he answers her there’s a small pause every now and then from all the chewing. “As if you… would know..! You’re gone… most of… the time.”

 

“Am not!” Rey yelps.

 

He made a loud gulp before booming out, “Yeah, you  _are_!”

 

“No, it only feels that way because I’m not working at the Aquarium anymore.”

 

That itself made BB pull on yet another string he didn’t want to bring up and yet there he was, asking; “Did you leave because of me?”

 

“What? No! No, of course not – it wasn’t anything about you, I just didn’t like working there. And Kenobi told us to pick things we’re passionate about, right?” The Aquarium was too crowded, too damp and too cold. And although it was a place filled with so much life and open space even as much as thinking about it made Rey feel like drowning. “I’m just trying to find things that make me happy.”

 

She wanted to add that BB made her happy. That he was essentially the main source of her happiness; but once he left there wouldn’t be much to fall back on. And Rey needed to prepare herself. Build some kind of passion to shelter herself in – and the Greenhouse gave her that.

 

“But then why are you gone all the time?” BB repeated.

 

“I’m right here.”

 

“No, you’re with Ben! Like today after lunch! You left.”

 

Rey staggers slightly, because that was not how she saw it. Not at all. Ben, who hadn’t fit to an avocation yet, spent most of his days convoying BB. Only today he hadn’t – using his lunchtime to catching up with Rose. And then there was the swimming. As of lately, both Rey and Ben had this new detail to them; hair always damp and dripping with traces from the lake.

 

Even though it had been her idea - even if it was Rey who had asked him - it was Ben who persisted with keeping a tight schedule of training. Swimming didn’t come easy, but when Ben was as stubborn with seeing her at least every other day, it started to flow into her body. She was learning, which she really hadn’t expected would be this easy considering Ben was the worst teacher ever… still… Ben hadn’t mocked her for asking him to teach her how to swim. Ever since the lake, she’d gotten to see a side of him she didn’t even know existed; filled with angry spluttered “ _Focus_!” and  _“Are you crazy?!”_  and “ _Hold on, right here, I’m right here_ ,” and “ _You’re turning purple_ ,” and “ _You can’t just stop_ b r e a t h i n g    _, you idiot_!”

 

She shakes her head slowly in disbelief. The memories kept stacking up.

 

Maybe BB was right.

 

“I won’t steal him from you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

BB rolls his eyes, lips pressed into a tight line. He doesn’t tell her it felt like the opposite.

 

Rey turns around in the couch, directly facing him. She breathes out his name, “ _BB_ …” reaching out for his hand but he snatches it away before she can touch. She tries not to look hurt.

 

Sometimes it’s so hard for her to understand BB’s warmth, yet distance. It’s confusing when his soft edges suddenly turns into biting teeth. How he could be anything and everything, wrapped into one; a myriad of emotion and feeling and fire that never ever seems to extinguish.

 

Tired of his towel turban, BB’s angry fists push it off his head. He didn’t care to see where it landed. His eyebrows pulled together and it was as if a magnet were pulling all of his features down; down into something angry and upset. And to add to that, the towel had swirled up his hair into a mad, crazy scientist hair, which only added to the look.

 

“It feels like I am missing out on so much stuff,” he grumbles furiously, and true to himself BB eats away some of the feelings with shoving yet another handful of honey yellow popcorn into his mouth. “’s stuhwpid and it sucks.”

 

“What stuff?” she asks.

 

“Everything!” he barks, though for someone as tiny as BB, it’s more of a cry, voice quickly fading before there’s a small echo of “ _Everyone_ …”

 

Rey nods her head. “I understand that you miss your brother,” she says, not aware that she was derailing the whole discussion from the people BB was actually talking about at that moment. Not that she wasn’t right; just not relevant for this discussion.

 

“I saw Poe planning a road trip last time we went to the Lighthouse,” BB mumbles after a while. “It was always supposed to be the two of us. Once everything was alright he promised me we would drive out and… and I’m not there anymore.”

 

“But you and I could go on a road trip,” Rey suggests.

 

BB shakes his head. “I was supposed to go with  _Poe_.” Even though Poe is nowhere close to Elsewhere or his little brother, it still builds up some kind of strange guilt in the little boys chest. It’s not betrayal exactly, but… ”I mean… I don’t have to decide today, do I?” he asks.

 

Besides, was Elsewhere even big enough to be passable for a road trip? He knew the island was big, but the map he’d ben given only stretched so far.

 

“No,” she says. “No, you don’t have to decide today. But it’s always good to have things to look forward to, I think.”

 

“I call dibs then.”

 

“On what?”

 

“You.” He gulps, scratching his arm. “And on road trips.”

 

“You can’t do that, silly.”

 

BB shrugs his shoulders, but the cold feeling doesn’t leave the pit of his stomach. “I can,” he mumbles. “I mean I should.”

 

The silence stretches, and stretches... Finally...

 

She does exactly what BB needs. (Exactly what Poe would’ve done.) She ruffles his head, and for a second it’s Poe’s fingers, not Rey’s, ghosting through his curls. And BB realizes that if he can’t have his brother, if he can’t have Poe, Rey is pretty much the best thing he can have. She’s the next best thing. She’s there and she’s his and now when he’d called out dibs it was pretty much a locked up treasure.

 

Rey likes ruffling BB’s hair. She doesn’t get to do that as often as she used to now that he’s got himself a cap again, but in moments like these she takes hold of every opportunity given to her.

 

Rey sighs, happily letting BB’s warmth overwhelm her for a minute. She breathes him in and she’s so close and  _oh, she’s really going to miss this_ , but she can’t start thinking like that yet. That would only mean twice the pain. So instead of missing him, Rey moves to make the most of it.

 

She promises herself that she would capture all of it. This feeling, this life; this  _home_.

 

“You get to pick the music for our road trip,” she settles after a while. She didn’t really have many tunes to pick from on her own. Back at Earth she’d only gotten her radio to work at one station; a rustling sequence of polka music and classical, and that wasn’t really her cup of tea. “I don’t really know very much about that sort of things, I mean.”

 

“We’ll listen to disco,” BB states and she can tell that this isn’t a debatable question; his decision final.

 

Still, not really what she was expecting.

 

“Disco?” Rey smirks. “I know all about dancing to disco... Know all about the water sprinkler and the disco fishing and the peekaboo-a-choo moves, you just wait.”

 

“You can’t dance in the car while driving, you goof,” BB argues. “gOD you’re so weird!”

 

“You’re the one who’s shrinking,” she reminds him, and she smiles as his small hand reach out to grab the one that’s not smoothing out the curls on the top of his head; fingers clasping and tightening around hers. “This will go down in the history books,” she added a strange accented voice, maybe some kind of impression of an old school American accent, but it just sounds weird.

 

“It’s funny… Ben has started talking in a weird voice too lately,” BB commented after leaning his head into her touch. “Haven’t you noticed? Honestly I think it’s your fault. You’re contagious, Rey. It’s like it’s spreading.”

 

“Shut up,” Rey snickered.

 

“It’s true! He keeps adding – _eyo_  at the end of words. Like last time you came over to eat lunch with us? Remember? Ben kept saying heyo and indeedeyo and besteyo and acting all goofy. The last time I’ve ever seen him act like that was back when he was going to go see his favourite band.”

 

“That’s not my fault,” Rey argued.

 

Ben was just being Ben. Surely he’d acted the same back on Earth, just maybe not to the extent that BB had noticed until now. Either way, she’d started finding Ben funny. At least most of the time when she hadn’t been reminded of what a mess he’d brought into her life.

 

“Ben invited you over to their house tomorrow,” Rey remembers. “Mentioned how Han had something he wanted to talk to you about.”

 

Although the mention of Han spiked BB’s interest (it always did), he didn’t exactly jump at the news. There was something else that caught him off guard. “You’re not coming?” Surely they would’ve invited Rey. She was part of the package deal. Unless she’d done anything to upset Han or Ben – but he doubted that. Both the Solo’s loved it whenever Rey came over with leftovers and company.

 

“It’s fine. I’ll drop by after a short swim. They live close to the lake and Ben said we could try out flippers and start looking at diving gear and--”

 

BB cut her off.

 

“--I really don’t get it, Rey.” BB’s fists turned pale under the pressure. “Why do you need to do that?” he questioned while suspiciously glancing at her over his shoulder. “…I miss you.”

 

Rey bit her lip. “What do you mean? I’m right here.”

 

She found his words confusing and badly chosen, mistaking them.

 

He didn’t really know anything about missing someone, did he? At least not the waiting that came with it. There was no denying that the boy had the full experience of longing for someone, aching for someone – and that someone was Poe. But surely he couldn’t know the extent of how long that longing could stretch. How many years… and so much waiting. Lines upon lines scratched into her old bedroom wall. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Hoping that someone would come back.

 

And knowing where BB was headed, there was no way he would come back for her. Not when he would have Han and Ben.

 

BB voice pulls her away from her spiralling thoughts. ”I still miss you.”

 

“You don’t have to,” Rey argued, because BB hadn’t even moved out yet. He was still right there next to her as was she next to him and so far they hadn’t been separated so she didn’t understand what he meant. And then it hit her that this was maybe her only chance to actually say it to him before it happened. Before he moved out and stopped seeing her, that is.

 

She were starting to feel nostalgic over things that weren't over yet. 

 

“…not fair.”

 

“I miss you too.”

 

He shook his head because it wasn’t the same. There was more to it. A hint of jealousy maybe, only he didn’t know it yet.

 

“I just don’t see why you keep going to the lake. I mean… Why do you need to swim all of the time? Ben is not even a good teacher for that sort of thing.”

 

Rey frowns. “What do you mean?”

 

Sure, Ben wasn’t the perfect swimming instructor, and she openly told him this multiple times during their lessons, but neither had she expected that much of him. He wasn’t very good in letting go of her and letting her swim out on her own; most lessons just spent holding her, brushing hair away from her face whenever they’d returned up from a dive. In return, Rey would mimic him, fingers dangerously close and therefore quickly brushing away Ben’s dark curls to stop them from blinding him because surely they would need to see whatever they were doing next. Yet despite all of this she still learned things. She’d even gotten so far as to holding her breath for over a minute, though each time she tried to beat this personal record by staying down under the surface for a longer period of time, Ben would always pull her up.

 

“He doesn’t have the lungs for it.” BB explains, and Rey can add witness to this because Ben  _did_  always seem to be out of breath whenever she saw him.

 

Rey crossed her arms. “I’m still learning.”

 

“Did you know he used to smoke back at Earth?” BB goes on, still not giving up in roasting Ben, maybe still hoping he could convince her to quit. “Tried to hide it but I caught him out on the fire escape one night and one time I found his secret hideout stash of cigarettes… To be honest he was the worst at hiding it. I mean, Poe always smelt like fire whenever he borrowed Ben’s stuff.”

 

BB doesn’t go into detail how it’s never a good idea to borrow Ben’s clothes. Last time BB himself had tried one of Ben’s shirts he’d nearly disappeared into it, sleeves almost stretching all the way down to his feet. Similar to his own experience, however, only as late as last night had Rey returned from the lake in Ben’s hoodie, sleeves scrunched up to her elbows as it took the form of a dress more than a hoodie.

 

She’d looked like some kind of monk.

 

BB had told her so, and much to his relief had his brief comment made Rey shove the hoodie of as quickly as possible. It was probably still crushed up into the small ball she’d made of it, laying forgotten in the corner of the room.

 

The little boy pursed his lips at the memory, tiny fists forming in the bowl of popcorn.

 

“He’s not  _that_  terrible as an instructor,” Rey purses her lips, trying to think of examples to support her claim. It catches her off guard for a moment; because who would’ve thought? A week ago she would’ve laughed if someone had told her she would be taking the defending side in a case against Ben Solo, her supposedly enemy and absolutely not friend?  _Odd_. “When he’s not freaking out over me drifting away into the water he actually kind of knows what he’s talking about… though swimming in deep waters is still terrifying to me. He can’t seem to teach me how to calm down over that.”

 

Ben didn’t seem to have that problem with deep water. He was too tall and she was too small.

 

“You shouldn’t be scared of swimming,” BB reasoned, eyes serious. “Ben won’t let anything bad happen.”

 

Rey snorted. “You seem so sure?”

 

“Well yeah, I’m sure, I made him promise.” BB says this with a  _duh_  tone, because Ben never breaks his promises. And this was an important one. “So it’s 100 % guaranteed.”

 

“Why did you make him promise something like that?”

 

“Can’t let anything happen to you,” BB shrugs like it’s nothing, but his voice drops. “Batman is nothing without Alfred, right?”

 

“Right.”

  

“We’re out of popcorn,” he mumbles absentmindedly, rising from his nest of warmth in the couch. He grabs Rey’s empty bowl in the process.

 

Rey’s quick with the remote to pause the movie, stretching in her stiff position. Last time BB had tried to pop the popcorn he’d slightly (severely) burnt them, so Rey quickly rise to follow him.

 

“You could come with us, if you want,” Rey says as she helps him with the timer on the microwave. “To swim.”

 

“I’ve never been good with water,” BB declines. He usually panicked in water, thoughts short-circuiting the moment he let himself drop into it. He had tried it once and he would most likely never try it again. Not even in Elsewhere. “Why can’t you just stay at home instead?”

 

“I can’t stay home all of the time,” she defends as she goes on to explain what swimming made her feel like, really trying to make him understand without giving it all away why she was doing this in the first place.

 

She began talking excitedly about what Ben had showed her about pressure equalization and how to clear out your mask underwater, but with every word, BB was drawing further and further into himself.

 

“I need to learn, BB.”

 

“Why though? For what?”

 

“It’s top-secret.”

 

The microwave buzzes next to her and the second ticks down in a sluggish tempo. “I don’t like it.”

 

He really didn’t. He didn’t like top-secret stuff he wasn’t part of, but most importantly he didn’t like the feeling of Ben stealing Rey away all the time.

 

It was only his right to be angry. (Or maybe jealous was the right word, but he would never actually admit to that.) She was  _his_  roommate, after all. Rey was his friend and… And in case she’d forgotten, he’d made her swear an oath in the first week. But it wasn’t exactly suspicion that fuelled the tiny boy’s fists. It nerves; an anxiety lighting up every single atom in his body - especially now when she was spending so much time with stupid Ben. Because Ben had it in his DNA to mess things up.

 

And BB didn’t want him to mess it up.

 

After seeing the oversized hoodie, BB had naturally drew enough connections between Rey and Ben to take the matter into his own hands. Seeing it that he was youngest (and according to him, more mature) he took it upon himself to give Ben a fair warning the next time Ben came over to visit, pulling them away from earshot.

 

_“Hurt her and I’ll kick your ass.”_

 

Little did BB know it was going to be the other way around.

 

 

* * *

  

 

The day had been going so well.

 

She’d spent the entire walk over to the lake asking Ben about Poe; a mystery he was more than happy to help her solve, answering her every question with a story and a memory. He told her about the two Dameron brothers, how they’d spent their summers growing up and he teaches her about fragile subjects and cut off ends. She learns about the parents; Shara Bey and Kes Dameron. She learns a familiar story of how Poe as an infant had been left by his parents, barely seeing anything of them as they were shipped out on various of operations. Both of them had been war heroes and both of them had died young, Shara just barely making it back for BB’s forth birthday.

 

Ben tells her of when the two Dameron brothers had moved in next door to his house to live under the care of their grandfather, and how they’d spent the first year running around the two houses exploring and playing characters of legends and myths. All while Ben tells her this, Rey syncs up to his long stretched legs pacing over the gravel, every now and then humming to make sure he knew she was still listening. That she was still there and that he still had her. And although most of the things she asks Ben about BB and Poe are heavy with sadness, Ben doesn’t look as scared of the pained information he so carefully shares with her.

 

Sometimes she wonders if it’s truly right to do this; if there’s any moral left in her asking for such private information about the Dameron family. But Ben doesn’t seem to have any problem with it. Still, she makes sure to tell him every now and then.

 

“You don’t have to tell me all of this if you feel uncomfortable,” Rey mumbles, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear again. Even though she’d clearly capped the red marker yesterday after hiding it behind her she’d still somehow ended up with red lines of involuntary tattoos crossing over her ear, very much matching the leaderboard on BB’s doorframe. She only knew this because Ben had traced it with his fingers once they’d met up yesterday, asking her why she got red marks all over her ear and neck.

 

“You should know about them,” Ben shrugged his broad shoulders. “I mean, I like talking to you about them. I know BB doesn’t exactly… I… I know that he gets upset easily whenever they’re brought up but… it’s family, and I think I need to be fair with you. Don’t want to shut you out.”

 

“Thanks,” she glances up at him. “It really means a lot to me, you know.”

 

“I know.”

 

“… though technically I really shouldn’t know about these things,” Rey reminds him. They’re private family things – and she wasn’t family like that. She wasn’t part of it. Distancing herself was a reflex.

 

Ben pulls some joke about how he wouldn’t be the one to snitch, and while Rey laughs, it takes Ben at least three jokes and two stuttered anecdotes all filled with a fair amount of  _eyo_ -words to get Rey to genuinely smile again.

 

“All nervous again?” he bumps at her shoulder.

 

“You wish,” she huffed.

 

And for the first time ever since they’d started going to the lake, Rey’s the first one to jump into the water. That being said, she cuts out the first 10 minutes of their usual routine. There’s no taunting words from Ben telling her to get in the water, nor any splashes, or any shrieks and dive. Ben doesn’t have to lure her out into the deep water because she’s already there. And while Ben doesn’t question her sudden change, it makes him stumble slightly. Because usually they don’t start off this quiet.

 

When there are no words there to distract them, it’s suddenly made very clear to both of them how close they stay together in the water. Much so how often they reach out to hold onto one another. Or how easy it is to hear their breathing and it doesn’t take long for them to start to wonder when or when they’d even started acting like this.

 

“You’re looking like a purple chipmunk again,” Ben’s low chuckles makes the water move against her chest, and for the first time that day, Rey gives him a well-deserved splash. It tricks its way into his eyes, and almost instantly they turn red. 

 

He looked high, or, as Rey so effortlessly put it;

 

“And you look like a tomato-red elf.”

 

Ben must’ve misjudged her comment for addressing a blush, because he jumps to conclusions and his hand leaves Rey’s wrist to ghost over his left cheek. To be fair, there was a blush already there, but that was a common piece of Ben, so she hadn’t even thought of it. "It's the ears," she smirks.

 

After that, Ben makes them spend most of their time underwater. Maybe an attempt to make his cheeks cool down, or at least stay hidden in the dark water. Nevertheless, it’s a bad decision.

 

They’re about 30 minutes in when Rey hits a breaking point.

 

The rings on the surface of the water are crashing into each other, vibrating and expanding for each passing wave or rage Rey boosts through her chest. She tries to keep it bottled up, she really does, but after a while she can’t take it anymore.

 

“I hate this.”

 

“…huh?”

 

They’ve made it as far as out to the middle of the lake, heads bobbing up and down as they thread the water. Rey’s lungs are used to running, so usually she’s used to the strain. She hadn’t hyperventilated like she had during their first lesson. All up until today; lungs heaving, but from panic, but from anger.

 

“I'm not learning anything. Screw it,” she growls, her arms forcefully pushing through the water.

 

Ben’s brown eyes stare at her bewilderedly. “What?”

 

“We're not getting anywhere, it's impossible and I don’t want to do this anymore,” she rasps out in small short breaths, and although it’s a struggle to stay afloat while yelling at Ben, she thinks it’s worth it considering how ridiculous he was acting. Then, to add even more to his hurt expression, she adds yet another two punching words.

 

“You’re fired.”

 

There’s the ridiculous red and white imprints of the water goggles on his forehead, over the bridge of his nose and circling around his eyes and she’s almost tempted to feel the indents. She wants to laugh at him and tell him that he looks ridiculous, but she’s angry with him, so she stays away.

 

His eyes are still lost and he looks as confused as Rey does whenever BB tries to explain DC and Marvel to her, but somehow his body strictly moves after her as she starts to swim back towards land.

 

“What?”

 

Compared to his first one, this one sounds more objecting.

 

“Rey...”

 

“No, I’m  _done_ ,” she stubborn. “I don’t care anymore.”

 

She’s  _done_  feeling frustrated of not diving down to the bottom of the lake without Ben’s help. She’d _done_ feeling like her head was about to explode whenever she forgot to equalize the pressure building up in her ears and when all of her autonomy suddenly locked when she got too deep and too dark. She’d expected more of herself. She needed more of herself. And then there was Ben, making it all so much harder as his calm but unyielding voice tried to coach her through all of it. He didn’t understand how frustrating it felt to fail at something she’d been working at for days, almost weeks now.

 

“Fired? …I’m fired?” Ben echoes behind her and she feels his hand wrap around her waist to stop her from swimming away. Much to her pride, Rey had learnt that she was a fast swimmer. Fast enough to make it a challenge for Ben to catch her most of the time.

 

“Yes, Ben,  _fired_. Finito.”

 

“What about my two weeks notice?”

 

The fact that he’s trying to make her smile makes her even more furious.

 

“This is not a _joke_ , Ben!”

 

“So you’re just done? You’re gonna quit?”

 

“No, I’m making _you_ quit, okay? I know enough. I don’t need your help anymore.”

 

Didn’t want it, either.

 

“Swimming… it’s… Diving isn’t something you just figure out from guessing you way, Rey.”

 

She swims away from him, but without him acting as her lifeboat, she wobbles in the water.

 

“It’s not that hard. I don’t need a teacher, shitwit.”

 

He’d taught her all the basics anyway. She’d already gone through all of the difficult stuff. Yesterday had been one of her most demanding lessons yet, learning to stay still on top of the surface, but she’d gotten the hang of it fairly quickly and he’d stayed right next to her the entire time, syncing up their breathing pattern and in soon time, heartbeats.

 

“I can do this on my own.”

 

“How’s that going for you?” he asks, amused.

 

And just because she wants to piss him off she turns her face away from view, quietly filling her lungs with a deep supply of air before she disappears under the surface and dive. She doesn’t bother to pull on her goggles, not so bothered going down into the dive blind. She just keeps on pressing herself down, but just like Ben had mentioned, gravity doesn’t exactly help you as much underwater.

 

Despite that, it goes fairly well and she’s actually pretty confident she’ll make it all the way to the bottom of the lake, just like they’d practiced together, hand in hand just 10 minutes earlier. But she only gets about 2 meters down before she can feel him, his hand pulling her up again.

 

“Please don’t do that,” he silently begs her as he keeps her lifted, eyes sincere and his hold on her waist fairly tight. “I know you can dive, I know that you’re more than capable, but don’t scare me like that.”

 

“I scare you?” she huffs.

 

He wasn’t wearing his goggles either; instead hanging like a necklace around his neck. They’re so close that the sharp edges of the goggles cut into Rey’s chest but she doesn’t care. He doesn’t answer her taunt, never admitting to anything. Instead he fills his lungs, head hanging low and his voice mumbles out an apology.

 

“I’m sorry if I’m a bad teacher.”

 

And although she feels how he’s winning, she can’t let him have it just yet.

 

“Well you need to stop freaking out, Ben!” She keeps her voice raised, three times louder than Ben’s soft voice. “I need to learn to be on my own.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes again, gulping as he presses his forehead against hers. She doesn’t like how hard it makes the task of actually breathing, so she leans away from the warmth. “I really am sorry. I’m just… freaking… I’m like this because I care,” Ben continues, and that makes Rey let go of him completely.

 

“No, you’re like this because BB made you promise,” she says, voice acid.

 

“That’s not it,” he mumbles, and he locks onto her and she once again lets him because this is a fairly common thing they did nowadays, latching onto each other. And this time she lets him because frankly its getting tiring to paddle all the water and she wants to stay above the surface this time because she wants to hear what he has to say. If he can make any sense for once. “Although that surely adds to it…”

 

Rey doesn’t linger on wondering or asking what the other _it_  Ben had mentioned meant, but for a moment it sounded like he actually did care. Without BB even being part of the equation. Just Ben caring.

 

She almost buys it.

 

 _Almost_.

 

But he won’t fool her. And she won’t fall for that again…

 

But she likes pretending sometimes. Likes to deny the truth.

 

“Fine,” she sighs, clutching his shoulders tight and close. “You’re rehired.”

 

“Thank you.” His breath fans against her face and she stays completely still as he kisses her cheek, leaving a faint flush of pink and red there once he slowly pulls back. It makes her wonder when she’d started blushing in the first place.

 

Was it a leftover from her angry outburst?

 

Or from the lack of oxygen?

 

Or from Ben?

 

Rey blinks tiredly at Ben, and it’s as if someone is slowly tweaking at the volume because slowly but surely she can hear him say her name. Repeating it slowly and carefully, eyes narrowed as he watches her come back to him. “Rey…”

 

“Huh?” Rey fumbles, her arms carefully grabbing onto his forearms for support.

 

“You aren’t listening to a word I’m saying, are you?” he chuckles, and while Rey bites her lip, Ben shakes his head with a sigh. “…where did I lose you?” he asks, and he mentions something about the theory of hyperventilating before going down for a dive, but then again, he really is… confusing.

 

“You do that a lot.”

 

Rey frowns. “Do what?”

 

“You zone out,” he explains. “Where do you go?” He asks it almost as if he wants to follow her there, but he knows she probably won’t ever let him.

 

It’s not as easy as it usually is for Rey to lie. “I don’t know.”

 

The rings on the water were barely there anymore; barely any disturbance in the air or in the water anymore. And although Rey rarely felt this calm, she didn’t like letting herself go like that completely. So she pushes back.

 

“I’m tired,” she attempts for an excuse. It’s weak, but it works.

 

“Hold on, I really need to talk to you.”

 

But she doesn’t want to meet his eyes anymore because they’re starting to make her feel strange. So she starts to swim to shore. She was done for today and besides; BB and Han had probably finished making dinner by now and Rey felt empty of something she desperately wanted to fill up. It wasn’t the starved feeling she was used to, but it was close enough, so she figured food would fill the gap.

 

“Rey, wait. It’s important.”

 

Once both Rey and Ben are standing on solid ground again, things turn reasonably worse.

 

She moves as quickly as she can to wrap herself into the fluffy towel she’d brought and while Ben looks caught in something deep inside; thoughts or wonders she didn’t know about, Rey’s shaking hand reaches down to grab his towel, throwing it at him to make him snap out of it. She turns her back at him again, still not used to those eyes - and start to move for her jumper and her shoes.

 

“Rey, wait.”

 

Her jaw clenches. “I really want to get moving,” she grits out. “I’m tired. And cold.”

 

“It’s important,” he repeats.

 

“We told BB and Han we would only be here an hour max. Can’t you wait?” she asks, arms tight as yet another shiver runs through her body. For some reason it makes him act, noticing how her fluffy towel isn’t enough. And before they could even debate it or think of something better, he unfolds it to cape it around her shoulders, adding a second layer of warmth to her frail shoulders.

 

“Please? Just stay for a minute,” he says, and it sounds like he’s taking a vow or making a promise, although instead of resting his hand over his heart, his hand strokes her upper arms, scaling down over her biceps and forearms for warmth. “It’s Poe.”

 

“What about him?”

 

His lips press into a tight line, and while he looks worried, he doesn’t exactly rush to continue. It makes Rey tap her foot slightly, but she waits for Ben to choose his words.

 

“I mean, I have to warn you about his birthday. It’s coming up next week and I should’ve told you sooner because there’s a lot to prepare, but I only just remembered myself.”

 

Rey frowned, because that didn’t exactly sound like a fair “warning”. It wasn’t like she was obliged to send him a present, not like it was possible to either – but from the way Ben said it, there surely had to be more. She had no real connection to Poe, her only tie to the man going through other people.

 

“What’s so dangerous about Poe’s birthday you have to warn me about?” Rey asks.

 

“It’s BB.”

 

“That doesn’t…” Rey falters slightly. “I don’t understand.”

 

“What I mean is that BB will need to be with family that day. Someone close to him.”

 

Although she’d felt like she was burning up just seconds earlier, Rey goes cold.

 

“Oh,” she whispers.

 

“You know that BB makes a big deal of birthdays and… well… He’ll be upset all day so I would say it’s fair enough to title it Doomsday… so uh… So he needs someone close to him… It’s next Thursday. Do you understand?” he asks, and Rey nods numbly.

 

She got the message loud and clear;  _stay away and let me handle it._  Just like that and all her light was sucked out of her.

  

“Thank you,” he kisses her cheek, and it makes her clench her jaw.

 

What was he thanking her for? Staying away?

 

Shrinking away from him, Rey turns her head towards the small path leading away from the lake. “I just remembered,” she rasps out. “I promised to go visit Finn today I uh… I need to see him.”

 

“He’s welcome to could come over for dinner,” Ben adds behind her, but she shakes her head firmly. Things break quickly around her. Hearts and bones both. And she needs to get out of there, away from Ben and away from BB.

 

“No, I need to leave. But you go home to BB and Han. Tell them I forgot.”

 

“What about BB?”

 

“He’s got you guys,” Rey calmed, pulling Ben’s towel away from her shoulders, blindly holding it out for him to take it. Once he relieves her of it, her palms start to move over her arms to keep the warmth. There are constellations etched between the calluses of her palms. Flames in her veins and burning in her heart but she doesn’t let it show. “He’ll be fine with family.”

 

“Hey, what happened? …are you okay?”

 

“Yeah I’m fine,” she assured, and she hated him for asking. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Finn’s house is surrounded with green leaves and clatters of colour framing it all in. There lawn is slightly unkempt, wilderness flowing into a fresh, broad, band of green. Rey loves the wilderness of it, but Grams likes having her around, so she usually makes Rey work in the garden, paid with company and more cheesecake and lemonade than she could handle. Last time she’d visited Rey had been put to work trimming the hedges, Finn working alongside her by adding a new layer of white paint to the window frames while telling her stories from work.

 

This time when Rey arrives she doesn’t wait for Grams to tell her what to do. She just barges inside, ready to work her frustration and hurt off. They only notice her presence once she’s pulled out nearly half of their front flowerbed, and Finn instantly pulls the switch for the lights.

 

“Hi, Rey.”

 

“Hey,” she mumbles, still not fully free from the ache of Ben’s words telling her to stay away. Stay away from BB. “Sorry for crashing in here, I just needed to… I just needed to work on something. _Fix_ something.”

 

Work away this hopelessness. Feel useful. Whatever.

 

Crickets chirp from the hedges and the flowers surrounding them.

 

“You’re not crashing in here. It’s your garden too, you know,” Finn smiles as he sits down on the grass next to her. He stays seated next to her, watching curiously as she works. Ironically, she’s replanting sunflowers. “You’re always welcome here.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

She glances over at him carefully, wondering how she could explain it all to him, but it’s hard to find a starting point. How do you tell someone the world is about to end? How everything, the most important person, is about to go into ruin and turn into dust of a grey memory? She wanted to ask him how to survive all of this; how to prepare herself for the storm brewing, the avalanche of dust of happiness, the tornado tearing everything away, leaving nothing but darkness?

 

It had to be Finn.

 

Because Finn was with her to the end of the line.

 

“Wanna go inside had have some ice-cream and talk about it?”

 

She nearly sobbed once his warm hand came to rest on her shoulder. ”Ice-cream sounds good.”

 

Finn doesn’t let go of her hand even once they’d reached the kitchen. He asks if she’d like a jumper or something warm, considering she’s still cold from the lake, but she shrugs it off. While Finn accepts her answer, Grams doesn’t. She doesn’t leave them alone until she’s forced Rey into one the thick turtlenecks she’d knitted over the years.

 

Once they’re alone, Rey tries to form an explanation to the feeling, but it all just spills over into tears and indecipherable, scrawled words. The way Finn wraps his arm around her reminds Rey of their first day at Elsewhere. It feels very much the same. Back on square one.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
> **  
> thank you so much for taking time to read my story and for supporting it !!!! all of you, every single one - you're lovely.  
> 


End file.
